Q: P'taah, could you clarify the part that the other person plays in a relationship. If there are several possibilities going on at once and there's a probability that it's already perfect in another moment, do we just focus on the fact that it is perfect or does it matter what the other person thinks?
P'taah: In a way, it does not. Of course, there are always other possibilities than the one you find yourself in at this moment. However, whatever you find yourself in at this moment is perfect for that moment.
That does not mean to say you cannot change it. You certainly can. When you really come to this idea that everything outside of yourself is a subjective creation, then you can see that when you meet somebody, often this somebody initially seems so wondrous, so perfect, so without fault, in a way, and you fall in love.
And as the relationship progresses through time, it is likened unto the scales falling away from the eyes and suddenly this paragon of virtue becomes quite reprehensible and that which are the day-to-day trivialities become like mountains where you cannot bear this habit or that habit. And you say, "How can this person has changed so much?"
Well, of course they have not. What has changed is your idea of who they are and perhaps seeing this one without the imprint of your idea of 'perfect.' And so you are left with the person who always was there and then is up to you to either look at this new idea of this person and say this works or this does not work for me.
Q: But, in a way, there is never an objective person because it is all subjective realities.
P'taah: That is true, not ever, and it's only according to how you react to what you perceive. You see?
Q: Yes.
P'taah: And where the relationship continues, and continues to be fulfilling, where it is caring and kind, with honor, with respect--in other words, showing you this wondrous part of yourself as well--then this larger picture will most often, may often, be more than this small picture that has unfolded through coming to know somebody. You understand? But it is always subjective.
Q: Can I change the relationship by focusing on what I really want?
P'taah: Well, it may change the dynamics of the relationship to look at the interaction in the relationship with new eyes. That is instead of focusing on that which is lacking in the partner, to focus upon that which is the wondrousness of the relationship or indeed the wondrous facets of the partner, you see?
For as long as you focus on the negative, that is all that will be in the relationship. As you can focus on that which is the positive, and be in the feeling of the positive and being reactive in the positive, then of course the relationship has a much better chance of being fulfilling and happy.
Q: So when you're saying 'being in the positive' though, you are not necessarily talking about how you want the person to change. It's like the Morning Song, to look at what's good.
P'taah: Beloved, the whole point is that you cannot expect anybody to change. That is not your business. Who they are and how they are is their business. Your business is only how you are with that person. How you are, not how they are.
It is in the same way that many people who are on this spiritual journey have wanted to destroy a very fine relationship of many years because the partner is not into the spiritual quest. And we say, it is not your business. Your business is to be who you are and indeed to be, we would say, proactive within the relationship but to be aware at all times that everybody has the sovereign right to be who they are.
Q: Nevertheless, you can feel as if somebody is limiting your ability to be fully who you are even though it's yourself.
P'taah: Yes, you can. Where you cannot discuss this and say, "It feels to me that your expectations of me are very confining and this does not make me happy." And so you may talk, indeed, about how this is for you, as indeed you may do with any other aspect of a relationship. To be honest and to have open communication is the secret here, always.
Q: But do you think that it would be better to, in fact, stay within it and look at what it is within oneself that is making one feel limited as opposed to trying to change or push the other person away and find somebody else who would be more expanding.
P'taah: Beloved, always, always, this is the most valuable. And where you will not, then indeed you go from relationship to relationship.
Q: Yes.
P'taah: Of course, there are some situations where it is more beneficial to part. Where you cannot, indeed, came to a harmonious resolution. You know, if you were all, we would say, masters at life, then indeed it would not matter who you were with--you would find joy and happiness and harmony. You see? But you are not masters yet.
The ideas that you have limit your capacity to be who you are. It is fear that keeps you from having a sexually fulfilling relationship. But you see, it is fear that keeps you from having any kind of fulfilling relationship.
Q: I was just going to say that it seems to me that that's what probably stands in our way in most areas of our life.
P'taah: Absolutely. As we have said, that which is the facet of you called 'sexual' is not separate from any other facet or expression of you. And where you have issues around who you believe you are, then it shows up in every activity, in every expression.
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