 For the past year or so Jerry and I have been seeing a marriage counselor. Initially, I called for myself, to find new strategies for dealing with my sadness as well as my irritation, annoyance, outrage, etc. etc. at life, at Jerry's health, etc. I wanted to find ways to communicate differently. I over-reacted to simple things Jerry said; sighed more often than I wanted. Sometimes spit things out to my dear husband I wish I hadn't and where simple things like how I boiled the eggs escalated into kitchen combat so intense the dogs would shake with the rising of our voices. I figured I was the problem. But the therapist (she calls herself a coach) wisely asked if Jerry might be willing to come with me. He was, and did. As a therapist myself, it was humbling to ask for help. But it's also my profession and I knew the merit in admitting I needed to see this relationship journey that means so much to me with new eyes. So every few weeks we settled in her office for an hour and a half and explored how we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. It's been a wondrous adventure. Painful at times, lessons of grief, letting go of past wounds, re-establishing that we are whole people by ourselves and when we bring fulfilled, yet vulnerable people to the journey, the relationship can weather the trials and even flourish. We are responsible for ourselves, our own confidence. Others cannot take away that self-esteem nor give it to us. Most often, people who love us, don't intend to take anything away. We learned simple things like looking into each other's eyes when we spoke rather than multi-tasking while sashaying through the house shouting messages as we moved away. Given our hearing losses, that one was a no brainer but sometimes we humans need to be reminded of the simplest solutions. We explored thoughts and whether some of the thoughts we held were really true. Among many kernels of wisdom, I discovered that I'm not too old to learn new things. Jerry says one of his insights is that he does not need to fix everything, and that if I do things differently than he might, it's of little consequence in the scheme of things and may not even need to be mentioned. We both learned that whatever the disagreement is about - that's not really what it's about. It's more likely about validation and respect; acceptance. More than anything, we did not want to "win" an argument giving up the love of the relationship to do it. Our faith, too, has been deepened as we practiced forgiveness to ourselves and to each other. I'd like to think that the characters in my books might have had struggles like ours. Hulda Klager and Frank in that lilac garden. Did he sometimes want to say to her, "I'm tired of building rafts to protect your lilacs!" Or Emma Giesy. What harsh words might she have swallowed rather than say them to her sister? Or Letitia and Davey Carson. Who out there who has taken the risk to love hasn't at one time or another wanted to say, "After all I've done for you, you treat me thus?" Our coach shared this ancient Hafez poem with us, one I treasure. "Even After All this time The Sun never says to the Earth,
"You owe me."
Look What happens With a love like that, It lights the whole sky." To let go of "after all I've done" or "you owe me" thinking; to see my husband once again as a strong man who makes me laugh rather than someone only needing care or worse, someone who no longer cared, has been a satisfying and joy-infusing gift. This seeing anew is a gratitude of magnitude. We've graduated for a time making our way without our earthly coach but been encouraged by taking the risk of being vulnerable to each other. Once again my best friend walks beside me and we're holding hands. On this Thanksgiving Day, our refurbished relationship is something I'm grateful for. I hope you're grateful for the relationships in your life and continue to nurture them fully.
The Ten Best Things I'm thankful for This Month 10. I filled up my gas tank yesterday for under $40! 9. A meeting about a conference I'm co-chairing next October put me face to face with women writers I admire. 8. Telephones allow me to stay in contact with good friends and family. 7. Tech Support for my Wi-fi is sending someone out to the house tomorrow! 6. While we won't be going to Baja in January this year because our hotel was destroyed in the hurricane, we can go to Tucson and bunk down with a friend for a few days. Something to look forward to as the snow accumulates outside my window. 5. There are labels on food! Jerry has to bring his sodium level up so for the first time I'm seeking salt. Canned ham has over 1000 mg and Jerry loves ham! 4. I'm traveling to Burundi, East Africa, in February to walk beside the Batwa people. More later. 3. I sent my latest manuscript with edits off a few days ahead of my deadline. Hurrah! 2. If all goes well I'll keep my commitments for events next week and Jerry and I will leave two days after Thanksgiving for a week-long cruise in the warm waters off of Mexico with his daughter and husband and our son-in-law's brother and his wife. New people to meet; family to care about. 1. While fishing on our old homestead October 10th, Jerry fell, broke two ribs one of which severed an artery causing internal bleeding of almost 2 liters of blood into the lining of his lung. He didn't want to go to the doctor. "Can't do anything for a broken rib," he told me. But 48 hours later with his breathing labored he let me take him to ER. Emergency surgery with 9 days in the hospital followed. He's been home three weeks now, making slow gains. "What you had, years ago, people just died from." This from his thoracic surgeon. I'm so grateful we are living now rather than in "the good old days" and that the prayers of many sent our way reached their destination! I'm grateful that my readers understood my need to cancel and reschedule. Best of all, Jerry survived yet another assault to his 84 year old body. He fell doing what he loved in a place he loved. He had friends to support him; me to insist after two days that he go the emergency room; terrific doctors, great nurses and great neighbors supporting us at home. We are blessed. I bet you can come up with more than ten. | 
