Is it hard to say "no" when it doesn't meet someone else's  expectations? Is conflict something you dread and avoid like the plague? Would you rather please than deal with uncomfortable feelings and unmet needs? Do you abhor feeling needy and asking for help? Do you hold back what you want and need until it erupts like a volcano or oozes out in whines and complaints?

In all honesty, I've operated from a lot of "yeses" to the questions above, that have made life as a school owner and parent less than joyful for myself, staff and family. How I've related to my needs, my "yeses" and "nos", has been learned early on in childhood from my parents and immediate family.

The good news is that it is never too late to change these ways of being and that choosing to connect with ones needs can be a catalyst for shift and change. Maybe our needs aren't such  albatrosses around our necks. Maybe our needs are gifts to be opened, explored and embraced. When I shift my focus to what I am needing in any one moment, it can serve as a compass when choosing between my "yes" and my "no" to the underlying needs of peace and ease, respect, acceptance, connection... 

Every "no" has an underlying "yes". When I say "no" I am always saying "yes" to something else like peace and ease. For example when I am connecting with a client and they say they are wanting me to help them feel better with a certain strategy. If I don't agree with their sense of what they need or find it in conflict with my own expertise or the limits of my body.  Rather than saying "no", I can't help you with that, or "yes" and go against my own sense of what is best for both of us. I might explore what need are they trying to meet? Examples might be pain relief, increased mobility, muscle release, tissue repair, enhanced blood flow, ease and comfort in their body...  Chances are if I can connect with the need, I can also offer a strategy that meets both of our needs, mine for competence in my work or ease with my body and theirs for relief from whatever ails them. 

Deeper still may be a mental /emotional component to whatever is manifesting in their body. Often this layer can be heard in their tone of voice, how they hold their body, or comments made. Reflecting the feelings and needs expressed in their body can give the client space to let in their needs and let their body breathe a sign of relief,  shake or unwind with the emotions that are stored there. 

Acquiring a coach in learning new ways of responding to needs can make all the difference in creating more heartfelt connected moments at work and at home. Rick Goodfriend, compassionate communication facilitator has recently brought these skills into our bodywork classroom, for students and staff to apply to their sessions and personal lives. I for one have benefited greatly from his facilitation. When conflict is present, connecting with needs allows me to keep my heart open and choose to explore what lies underneath the words, demands and defenses. Rick demonstrates connecting with needs in a way that is lighthearted, fun, and deeply satisfying.

To get a sense of how these skills can be applied in daily life and customer relations. I invite you to check out Rick's video at: 

To your holiday season filled with joy and delight.

Katie Mickey,

SBBTI Director