I mean to ask, are you unaware of any incompetence in your conversation skills?
You may be unaware, and I'll tell you why.
You may be experiencing the sense of "illusory superiority," also known as "The Lake Wobegon Effect." (In the fictional town of Lake Wobegon, Minnesota created by "Prairie Home Companion" radio show host Garrison Keillor, "all the children are above average.") The Effect describes a real and pervasive human tendency to overestimate one's achievements and capabilities in relation to others.
For example, nearly all members of these groups claim to be above average and better than most others: college students, parents, drivers, coaches, and stock market analysts.
For years I have heard people say they were "pretty good" or "better than most," at conversation, but I think they were simply unaware of their weaknesses. (Biggest weakness I observed: Listening skills.)
Without awareness, you can't make changes and get better.
How can you become aware of any incompetent conversation skills?
1. You can ask a trusted friend, "I want to learn how I come across to others when we're talking. My strengths and weaknesses. You've observed me a lot. What do you think?"
There is an adage that "Even your best friends won't tell you." But that is true only when you don't ask them for feedback. When you ask sincerely, they'll probably tell you.
Note: Don't ask family members or intimate friends. They can't be objective.
2. If others seem to avoid you or abruptly excuse themselves during conversation, you may be conversing incompetently, such as talking only about yourself, or constantly interrupting them, or being unresponsive when they talk. These behaviors are the verbal equivalent of having bad breath.
Although you'll be able to conclude that you're probably doing something wrong, you may not be able to determine exactly what that is. So a "trusted friend" can help.
3. You could hire a coach who specializes in interpersonal communication. Although that can be pricey, it may well be worth the time and expense if your work and personal relationships depend on effective conversation skills. (I have coached CEOs, managers, and investment bankers to help them be more effective. Also, I've worked with scores of spouses in troubled marriage relationships in which communication had broken down.) An additional value of getting professional assistance is that
the process is totally private and confidential.
4. You can take a self-scoring assessment like those on my website, www.conversationmatters.com. (Click on "self-test" link for "Small Talk Scorecard" and "Conversation Mastery" assessment.) These can be a good start for checking your level of skill.)
Athletes learn what they're doing wrong not only from their performance, but also from coaches who are objectively observing their moves. Writers have editors who point out any writing flaws and make suggestions. Actors, musicians, and dancers get coaching from directors and take master classes.
Mastering the art of conversation is not a "quick fix," but a longer process that combines full awareness with skills practice. Fortunately, it's worth the effort.
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