FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
RaIse Books LLC
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Press Release .....
BIG BANG THEORY SOLVES IRAQI PROBLEM
-JD

Shoreview, Mn- Dec 09, 2006

How do you solve the Iraqi problem using the cosmologist’s Big Bang Theory of the Universe?

We do it by answering this question: How do you solve the Iraqi “problem” in general and the Middle East Crisis in particular once and for all -- and do it fairly?

The short answer is: by relying on the Cosmology theorizing of the Stephen Hawking’s type Big Bang theorists.

The long answer follows.

Since this solution is being generated in the West by a “westerner”, Joshua Deer (aspiring columnist) who is 24% ex-christian and 76% a-theist, we temporarily accept his use of Christians and Islamists as the two mutually exclusive classes representing all the world’s religions.

As to all the world’s other actual religions, since they probably allow some room for reason in the individual life of their practitioners they are closer to christianity than “islanity”. Voila! Islamist versus “Christianist” seems to be a good place to draw the battle line between the world’s religions.

Next.

We get the www (w hole w ide w orld) to sign on to a prayer contest between the two religious groups.

And since fairness is one of our goals and since this contest is being generated in the West we let the Islamists go first.

I know there are going to be lots of protests out there from sports fans the world over who think the only fair thing to do is flip a coin, but since this is Joshua’s viewpoint I think we should do it his way.

The Islamists get to go first.

Next year in 2007 on any day of their choosing all the Islamists in the www pray to God/Allah to bring death and destruction upon all the Christians in the www.

Then we wait for the proper length of time for Allah to hear the prayers and respond.

I know you are thinking, what’s the proper length of time and to answer this we ultimately have to turn to the cosmologists, which we’ll do in a moment.

But first, lets finish the contest by giving the Christians their chance.

Since our wait time is going to be more than a year, we finish the first phase of the contest the following year—that is, in 2008 on any day of their choosing all the Christians in the www pray to God/Jehovah to bring death and destruction upon all the Islamists in the www.

Then we declare a truce and a time out while we wait the 19 years to get the first response and then another year to get the second response.

That is, we wait to see what natural disaster Allah rains down and/or heaves up on the Christians during the 2026-27 biennium.

And then, in like fashion we see what natural disaster Jehovah rains down and/or heaves up on the Islamists in the 2027-28 biennium.

And then we compare the “body” counts and the Religious Group with the largest number wins. (Of course we will have to come up with some counting rules beforehand. For example, 1. collateral damage can or can’t be counted (or subtracted from the count as the case may be), 2. all dead bodies will be worth one point but it will take two or maybe even three maimed bodies to equal one point and/or 3. depending on the degree of maiming maybe 2 severe maims will equal one point but maybe 10 mildly bruised bodies will only be worth a half point ... and so on ... or some such fair system to be determined between now and 2025 say).

Now I suppose ...

Wait ... halt, you say?

How do we know the proper wait time is 19 years?

In spite of what you may be thinking, the answer to this is easy (and knowable). It is knowable by one validating principle: because the cosmologists tell me so.

Here’s how (and where).

A famous cosmologist/physicist and premise- accepting-scientist of the Big Bang theory of the Universe, George Gamow, working in the first half of the last century made an observation of this mass praying phenomenon and used it to demonstrate that 19 years is the “proper” time interval for us to use in our prayer contest.

As for our source on this, we will use (The Holy Bible? ... no ... The Qur'an? ... no ... rather, we will use) the New York Times best seller book, Big Bang, The Origin of the Universe, by Simon Singh (Harper Collins Publisher, 2004) as stated on page 334:

On one occasion, ... [Gamow] ... argued that God lived 9.5 light years from the Earth. This estimate relied on the fact that in 1904, at the outbreak of the Russo-Japanese War, churches across Russia had offered prayers requesting the destruction of Japan, but it was not until 1923 that Japan was struck by the Kanto earthquake. Presumably prayers and God’s wrath were limited by the speed of light, and the time delay indicated the distance to the Lord’s abode.

So, given that it is an immutable law of the Universe that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light in free space (including message transmissions) the 19 years is the proper time interval to wait. Then the only two questions remaining for us to answer are:

1. Who wins? and
2. What do they win?

Since the first question is going to take another couple decades or so to answer, we’ll wait awhile to answer the second one (maybe we can think about it and include the answer in with our counting rules to be finished by 2025 AD).

So, Joshua Deer says, peace on earth and goodwill towards all men for the next nineteen or twenty years at least, until that is, we find out who the gods like best.

After all, not Amen but rather, A is A man.

Gary Deering, aka Joshua Deer, is author and writer of the new book, Yes. (Is BiO Spiritualism the answer?) , RaIse Books, LLC Publisher, 2006. A book about a new spiritualism that is based on reason and science and not on faith and praying.

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