Introduction 

When we are in a relationship an interesting question arises: which parts of us are involved with which parts of our partner? Perhaps we have some parts that want to be in the relationship whilst others are trying to sabotage it. As a result it can sometimes be very difficult to maintain the connection between us. This article will explore why opposites often attract and why we tend to repeat the same patterns of interaction with different partners. It will also address judgement and the roots of conflict and set out a blueprint for healthy partnering.

A many splendid thing

Life would be so easy if we were always of one mind. The reality is that we are all made up of many minds or selves. We can recognise this in such statements as: "A part of me really feels very attracted to him/her. Another part of me thinks I should be careful not to get too involved." These selves develop as we grow up in our particular family and society. They have us behave in ways that keep us safe and get our needs met. For example we might develop a part of us that has us be nice to other people, always putting their needs first (a Pleaser self); or one that has us work hard and be successful (a Pusher self). These protecting selves become our default ways of behaving in life - who we think "we are".

In order to be identified with these protector selves we have to hide away or disown their opposites. To be nice to other people all the time we have to bury the part of us that would put our needs first (an Entitled self); or to be a hard working, successful person we have to bury the part of us that would kick back and do nothing (an Easy Going self). Although these selves are buried they have not gone away. When we fall in love we see some of them on display in the other person and find them very attractive. Our partner complements us and together we feel whole and complete.

Relationship is in fact a dance of these different selves between two people. This dance can be exciting, mesmerising and exhilarating when everything is going well. We are swept off our feet, high as a kite, on cloud nine. The Child selves in us feel nourished and nurtured by our partner as if by a caring parent. We can be silly, cuddly, sweet and adoring. Our partner is there for us and we can rest trustingly into each other's arms.

This idyllic state can last for some time, but sooner or later the stresses and strains of life will intervene. Sickness, financial problems, the arrival of a baby, work issues, tiredness and other every day events can cause us to feel vulnerable. The Child selves in us don't feel so safe. If we are unaware of this or don't feel comfortable sharing our vulnerabilities with our partner, things can turn sour.

In this situation, the selves that protect us come strongly back into play. Through the eyes of these selves we look at our partner and find them lacking. Those aspects of their personality that so attracted us don't seem so cute and endearing after all. Instead of admiring their sense of entitlement we judge them as "selfish!" Instead of marvelling at their ability to chill and relax they now appear "lazy!" Whether spoken or silent, these judgements and counter judgements from our partner's protecting selves - "You just let people walk all over you!", "You are a workaholic!" - are very painful and can leave the Child selves feeling bruised, battered and wanting out. The caring, loving parent our partner represented has turned into a withdrawn or judgemental one and the promise of someone who will love, care and honour us seems broken.

Maybe we make up or maybe we walk out and end the relationship. One thing is sure: if we don't learn the lessons inherent in such conflicts we are doomed to repeat them again and again - either with the same partner or with a new one.

So what are the lessons?

First is to acknowledge that the selves that we end up judging in our partner are in fact our own buried selves. An old Chinese proverb says that when we point the finger of judgement, blame or condemnation at another person there are three fingers pointing back to us. We have to learn how to embrace these buried aspects of our personality and find the gift they can bring us.

The questions to ask are, "What is it that I am judging in my partner that is actually a buried part of myself? What benefit would it be to me if I could bring a little bit of this buried self into my life?" For example, if we can embrace our buried Entitled self we will be able to set boundaries clearly and say no to the demands of others when appropriate. If we can embrace our own buried Easy Going self, then we will find time to relax and not be so driven.

Second is to acknowledge when we are feeling vulnerable and take more conscious care of our vulnerable Child selves instead of expecting our partner to do it for us. No one can take care of us all the time. Such an unrealistic expectation, abdicating our own responsibility for ourselves, will inevitably end in tears.

The questions here are, "Where and why am I feeling vulnerable? What can I do to take care of my vulnerability?" This might mean sharing with our partner how we are really feeling, or maybe taking time out to be quiet and on our own. Getting conscious about this is a big part of creating a successful relationship.

Having become clear about which parts of us are reacting to our partner, the next step is to communicate this clearly. For example: "A part of me is happy to take care of everything around the house. Another part of me is angry and thinks it's unfair and that you should pull your weight." Or, "A young, vulnerable part of me feels unnoticed when I get home tired from work and you are on the phone to your friends for so long." When we can talk with awareness of the different selves like this we avoid the trap of making each other all good or all bad.

It is important to set time aside in our busy schedules to have these conversations, a time where we can step back from the demands of daily life, sit down and really connect with each other. This is the time to share what the different parts of us think and feel about such things as finances, who does what around the house, home projects, major purchases, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, the laundry, etc. If they are not addressed, these mundane things can easily become the ammunition we fire at our partner when we get into conflicts: "And another thing! You always leave your clothes lying around and never put the top back on the toothpaste!!"

Relationships are the context in which we can learn about our selves, grow and develop as individuals. Conflicts in relationships will never go away. There will always be lessons to be learned about our buried selves and about our vulnerabilities.

Awareness of the many selves involved in the dance of relationship is the bedrock of healthy partnering. The more we are able to acknowledge and embrace the different selves that emerge within relationships, the richer and more fulfilling life becomes.

 - Alice & John in Tuscany

The retreat centre, Le Pianore, is located deep in the Southern Tuscan countryside in a largely undiscovered part of this magical region. Situated beneath the breathtaking Monte Giovi (Mount of Jupiter), and surrounded by cypress trees, fields and big skies, it offers a charming and comfortable retreat experience.

• Change old patterns of interaction
• Resolve disagreements and conflicts quickly
• Express yourself more freely in intimate relationships
• Experience relationship as teacher, healer and guide

You can live with someone for many years and have very little experience of conscious linkage. You can have long-term friendships that never get to it. Without it in a relationship you can feel lonely and stuck, like something essential is missing. And, it is!

On our retreat you will learn tools that will help you develop conscious linkage in your relationships.

We are often aware that we are more than one sided. For example, you might have two points of view on a variety of subjects. If you can allow both to be welcome, you begin to step out of being 'right' and 'sure', and into the far more fascinating world of 'not knowing anything, for sure'!

Using the theory and practice of Voice Dialogue, we will introduce you to the idea that awareness and acceptance of the many sides of who you are enhances and enriches all your relationships - whether personal or professional.

Conscious linkage makes you feel real and open - self-contained and at the same time present to your partner without effort. It helps you communicate your needs without falling into either fear and avoidance, or angry attempts to control. It gives you choice and clarity in relationships. It helps you stay in balance as you relate to others.

Developing conscious linkage can turn a difficult or lifeless relationship on its head!