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It can be hard for resource parents to manage a youth's behaviors when they haven't been able to build a relationship with the youth and the youth has not formed a connection to the resource parent. It is critical to support the relationship building process between youth and their resource families. The positive interaction cycle supports this relationship building process.
It is of the utmost importance to use persistence in building a relationship with the youth. When the parent initiates an interaction with the child ("Hey, tonight let's watch that movie we borrowed from the library!), the child may respond
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Figure based on description of concept by Vera Fahlberg, A child's journey through placement. Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives Press, 1991.
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positively ("Sounds great!"), or the child may reject the parent ("I don't want to watch that stupid movie!"). If the child rejects the parent, the parent must continue to initiate a positive interaction ("Okay, if you decide later that you want to watch the movie with us, feel free to join us!") Often when a child responds negatively, the parent may react out of their own hurt ("Don't expect me to ask you again if you want to watch the movie!") instead of out of the desire to build the relationship.
When resource parents or others begin to feel as though they cannot initiate the positive interaction cycle, it is time to seek support. While it can difficult not to take it personally when a youth expresses anger-it is critical to continue to do the work toward building the relationship-even if this is initially a one-sided endeavor. It is unreasonable to expect that our youth will be in readiness to engage equally in the relationship building process. Instead of saying to ourselves, "He needs to meet me halfway", we must understand that the first step is for us to walk all the way to those who are hesitant to take a step.
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