I love working with couples, both because of the challenge as well as the rewards.

When couples first call me, there is often frustration, confusion, and resentment between them, which keeps them from feeling fully connected and in sync. They want their money lives to work more easily and are looking for something or someone to blame.

So why do I say that one plus one equals four? Because when two people get together, they are actually working things out as two adults - and also as two grown children who came from different (and sometimes opposite) childhood money paradigms.

We learn most of our sub-conscious reactions to money in those childhood paradigms, and may not actually be aware of how they're running our behavior today. So when another person is added to the formula, suddenly it doesn't feel right, but we don't know exactly why. Arguments can spring up without much conscious interaction.

So here are some steps to help improve your money conversations:

• Set aside regular time to discuss money, preferably the same day and time each week or each time per month. The routine will give you a sense of normalcy and expectedness to the conversations.
• No blame, no shame. This is a good time to consider whether you want to be right or happy. You can fix the future but not the past.
• Work toward transparency. If each of you knows the whole picture, you can help each other find solutions, have understanding about what the pressures are on each other, and can avoid some less-constructive patterns such as revenge spending.
• Discuss ways to make additional money if that's what you decide will work best.
• Divide financial tasks, and trade off tasks regularly so that both of you know what the responsibilities are and how it all works.
• Have agreements about 'extra' money: bonuses, commissions, side jobs or money gifts. If you can have an agreed-to plan ahead of time you can avoid conflicting ideas when the money arrives.
• Involve your children in the money plan. For instance, if you're changing how often you're going out to dinner, you can share with them that the family goal is to have one (or however many) dinners out per week so they know what to expect.  If you as a family want to be spending less, have a family meeting and ask them for their ideas regarding saving money. They will feel involved and invested in the solutions.
• Write down your short and long-term goals. This formalizes them and gives your subconscious the road map for success.
• Respect your differences and help each other by acknowledging how the other thinks about money. "I know you'd rather save this money, and I think this is the best time for us to take care of..." 
• Work until you reach agreement. If you're stalemating, then draw a line on a piece of paper. Write your two solutions on either end. Put your pencil on the middle of the line, and ask, "What would this solution be?"   Let there be silence if that's what happens, and if no answer comes up then put that on your Action Plan until the next meeting. If there is a response, you can ask,   "Can we agree on that solution?" If yes, great. If not, then put your pencil a little further along the line and ask again.

This commitment has some assumptions:

• You both want to build the relationship into a better and more effective partnership around money.
• You each get to have a little money of your own that is predictable but doesn't have to be reported. The couples that I work with each get X dollars each month (if at all possible) that is theirs to spend without reporting to the other what it was spent on. Sometimes these are equal amounts, and sometimes are based on the income ratio that each adds to the joint income.

Couples do have different money styles, and sometimes very different styles. This doesn't mean that you can't have a strong money partnership. Together you have all the skills and understanding that you need, and separately you have your polar differences.

If you can keep to talking about the numbers and how they are going to work, your differences will be minimized. If you get into conceptual conversations, your differences will rear up and it will be harder to work as a partnership. So stick with the numbers.

Your differences provide richness and depth to your financial partnership. If they are providing obstacles, however, that's when working with someone like myself can help get you to that truer partnership.

It doesn't have to be hard or hopeless. Call or email me. I'd love to help you get to a more stress-free and effortless pattern with your money that will build and grow your partnership infrastructure and support a thriving financial future.