It's raining.  Winter finally checked its calendar and put in an appearance.  I was wondering for a while if the seasons had changed their order, because we had snow in fall but nothing in winter.    Perhaps they got bored doing the same-old-same-old?

I recently visited the San Francisco Bay Area. I was thinking I'd take advantage of the 70 degree weather I was hearing about...but instead I was caught in a monsoon!  When I returned, I came home to snow, having to dig myself into my driveway, and it's been winter ever since.

That's a good thing.  I like it when winter is winter and fall is fall.  It's relaxing.  It means everything is working the way it's supposed to.

When I listen to the news, however, I get concerned that things aren't working the way they're supposed to at all.  That's why it's particularly important to me that I keep a serene zone around me.  When there's a sense of normalcy in the aspects of my world that I can control , I can operate from that calm core - even while the world around me dances to a strange tune.  It is the way that I maintain a sense of well-being within our ever-changing reality.

This is harder to maintain, though, when a key part of your daily life isn't working well.  I'm speaking of the conversations that couples have (or don't have) around money. 

Money is an everyday element of our lives, like food or time, and when you can't have a constructive conversation about how it's going to work, it's hard to feel like it's working at all.

That's what this issue's article is about - how not to talk about money (with the positive how-to's included, of course).  I hope it will help you fine-tune that aspect of your daily life so that you can have your own calm core.

Until next time,

Susan

sb  

"We can't talk about money without getting into a fight." "We don't talk about money anymore." "I wish I could know what's going on because no matter what I do I get yelled at."

Does this sound familiar at all? Most of my clients tell me how difficult it is to talk with their spouse or partner about money because it doesn't end constructively. Here are five key things NOT to do.

Talk on the Fly

You're running out the door, have a zillion things on your mind and as you pass, your spouse says that there isn't enough money to cover the kids' camp deposits that are due. You might have heard it or not, but you say, "We'll have to talk later." The talk doesn't happen.

To have a good discussion about money, you need a focused forum. This is a meeting that is called for the purpose of talking about money, so that everyone is aware of the direction it will go and the end result desired.

Start with the Problem

If you start the meeting with a problem, your spouse is already high-tailing it for the fort and on the defensive. Start your meeting with a compliment about something that you've seen them doing better, preferably about money. Maybe they kept a receipt or checked on the bank balance. It doesn't have to be about them balancing the family budget. In the long run, you want to start all financial meetings with a compliment on both sides so that from the beginning it is at a higher level.

Talk Off the Cuff

I can't remember half the things I want to say when the time comes to say them. Do yourself and your partner the favor of having an agenda. That way both of you know the path and can be more relaxed about having a road map. You can be gathering agenda items all week, and then you'll be sure to cover everything you want because you'll have it in front of you.

Leave Problems Unresolved

If you're talking about an issue, at least talk to the point of having an action item for the next meeting. This goes on someone's action plan, with the understanding that the result will be discussed or accounted for at the next meeting (or at another designated deadline). Confirm these action items with each other with an email after the meeting. Unresolved items are usually caused by a lack of options or information, so this can move an item toward resolution.

Rehearse the Old Fights

Musicians don't rehearse how they don't want the music to sound, so don't rehearse the old arguments or bring up the past. If you get to a heated point, stop the meeting and re-schedule. You aren't going to get a better result by continuing the old actions. Talk about the numbers, not about each other. Our money style differences live in the concepts. The numbers of money are very black and white.

I highly recommend that your financial meetings become a regular routine aspect of your relationship. At first, particularly if there are a lot of unresolved issues, you might want to do them weekly, for no more than an hour (and shorter is better). Later, you would want to meeting at the beginning of the month to review how the previous month went and to plan the next month, and then mid-month to see how things are going.

The couple's financial meetings are the focused forums  that will allow you to have constructive and dispassionate discussions about money. And why is that important?    

Because money is the business side of your relationship, and you need to have staff meetings to get the business running smoothly.  

You want your "business" to make a profit, and that doesn't happen by accident.

You spend so much of your time and energy in creating this resource called money that you want to respect it with solution-focused attention. If you're having trouble doing the about-face on your money conversations, then call or email me. We'll explore what can be adjusted so that your money conversations can be a positive and prosperous aspect in your relationship.