If you've been reading my newsletters for a while, you've probably caught onto the fact that I'm not a technological wizard. Far from it. I'm still have the mindset that there are gremlins living in my machines, and they decide randomly if they choose to work that day or not.

Sometimes, despite iCloud and all the other interactive possibilities, my machines choose not to talk with each other. Sometimes my email is received without a glitch and sometimes not. Short of having a teenager live in, I'm clueless at figuring out these seemingly idiosyncratic occurrences.

My wizardry is in helping people have a more stress-free money life. I leave technology to those better suited to it and use outside help. Computer consultants and repair people. Website designers and repairers. Marketing wizards and newsletter experts.

I leave the technological headaches to them so I can limit my exposure. It's much cheaper than replacing the computer and the window (having tossed the computer through same window...).

But then I hit problem number two...how do I talk with them? Besides not having the knowledge, I don't have the language for these things I want to accomplish. The last time my website wizard was revising my website, I had problems getting my email through the new website. She kept telling me what to do, and I didn't even understand what she was saying.   She finally emailed me, taking me through the baby steps in small words (which I need), and I finally got through it.

It is so frustrating. In another example, when I'm looking for new technology I run into sales people who are much younger than I am and much more in touch with technology. They use so many terms and jargon, that I have to stop them and have them explain each one. Then they often start treating me as though I'm mentally challenged which doesn't help my mood.

The point to all this is that we often don't have the language we need to communicate what we're not familiar with. We struggle with finding the way to say something that can be understood and effective.

Recently I've had several clients call me about one particular issue: financially bailing out someone that they love past the point that feels appropriate. What is often stopping them is what to say. How do you tell someone in a loving manner that you're not willing to bail them out anymore?

The article below is about this very topic. My goal is to give you the language to get through these types of situations that don't come easily.  

I may not know technology, but I know how to navigate in the realm of money. If you're having problems in my realm, I'd love to hear from you.

Susan

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You get a phone call out of the blue.  Someone you care about tells you that he or she is struggling.  The story seems so desperate and painful. You want to help, so you end up sending money, whether they've actually asked for it or not. 

A week, a month, a year later, the same thing happens.  Same person, different circumstances, same painful struggling.  You send money.

This time you're not feeling as good about it.  You've noticed that between the first time and the second time you sent money, this person is making decisions about spending money that you don't agree with, given their struggling.  For instance, clients have told me that while this recipient has gone on vacation, they themselves haven't been able to afford it.

FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE

The third time you get the call, you may not want to give more money but don't know how to talk about it.  They really are struggling, the situation is very dicey, but now you're aware that they make decisions about money in ways that aren't working for them.

You start to wonder if giving them money is the answer.  Are you accidentally colluding in the problem? If money had been the answer, wouldn't it have worked the first time you sent it?  Mightn't there be something else going on that's causing this constant state of financial struggle?

These are all good questions.  Whether it's a family member or other loved one that is telling you these stories of woe, there comes a time when you want to talk with them about it.  You're not longer feeling good about giving them money, but don't know what to do next.  What is the loving thing to do?

It isn't wrong for you to take care of yourself.  You matter.  Not being true to yourself for someone else doesn't necessarily help them if you're feeling uncomfortable about the relationship or perhaps causing yourself financial trouble later on.

SAYING NO

So how do you talk about it?  Here are some ideas:

1.      "I love you and really want to help.  I noticed, though, that there seems to be a pattern here.  I sense there may be a glitch in how you're setting up your finances that gets you to this place repeatedly and I'd like to help you fix that problem.  What can I do to help you fix the glitch rather than throw more money at it?"  (Perhaps you could buy some classes for them or sessions with an expert that can help them get their finances on track.  It's the "teaching them to fish rather than giving them a fish" mindset.)

2.      "I really hear how difficult this is for you.  What solutions are you considering for helping yourself through this?"  This way you're helping them open up to other solutions than your giving them money.

3.      "I'm not comfortable with sending you money again, but I'm very concerned and will be a listening resource as you go through this."

4.      "I'm willing to send you $X, but that's the end of this particular option for you.  I won't be available for additional money in the future but I'll always be a loving ear for you."

5.      "No." (As I've been told, "No," is a complete sentence.)  Sometimes a loving repetition of the word "No" with no wiggle room on your end is the only way you'll be heard.

DECIDE AHEAD OF TIME

In some situations, I've told clients to decide long before they get a phone call how much money they want to give each year.  When that amount is gone, it's gone.  This method helps you feel like you're contributing, but causes you to meet your own limit in the giving.  Funding a separate account just for this purpose is a good way to keep clarity in these situations.

These aren't easy interactions, but if you're feeling uncomfortable about how you're handling them, then give me a call or shoot me an email.  We can talk over what's right for them and for you.  That way you can have the peace of mind that what you're giving with the best of intent is truly helping and not continuing to fund a failing financial system.