When was the last time you were having a disagreement with someone and you just wanted to leave? Resolution of the disagreement sounded so much more difficult than walking away from the problem.

 

That happened to me this weekend. I was at a friend's house and a point of disagreement came up. I was packed with my dog and things in the car in record time. It just seemed exhausting to work through a disagreement that seemed so obvious to me and so opaque to him.

 

The base of the problem was our style differences. I do love to do projects, but I take them in smaller bites and have fun and relaxation in between. When he starts a project, it absorbs him until it is completed, regardless of meals, physical exertion levels or any fun factor.

 

He doesn't see this at all. He sees it as mandatory that when you start a project you finish it. So how do you resolve something like this?

 

Simple comments weren't doing it. I'd raise an objection and he'd counter with, "I just want to finish with..." and another hour would pass by. It was hot, we'd been at it for hours (for the second day), and I was done.

 

I'm very lucky that this friend is one who is willing to take a moment to clear the air. When I told him I was packed and going, he sat me down and we talked. We went to a local garden and walked around. And we talked some more.

 

He said that this was probably a good example of Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray. I had also read this book, and found it seminal and required reading in understanding the gulf of differences between men and women.

 

Just knowing that, though, didn't take the differences away. We talked about ways for us to work on projects without the exclusion of everything else. I can't say that we completely resolved the problem but we're exploring what agreements could be put in place in those situations.

 

My experience this weekend reminded me about the couples who come to me with similar difficulties in their financial lives. The article below is about how you can work toward resolution on even long-term money-style disagreements. In the 20 years I've been doing this work, I've had many opportunities to help couples around the ins and outs of money differences.

 

When I'm working with these couples, I find that the disagreements that spring up from these money style differences have been left unresolved. Sometimes the same issue has been percolating for years, and no compromise or resolution has been reached. If this goes on long enough, there can be resentment, or financial solitude, or a communication wall that stands between them.

 

A bridge of couple's agreements is the goal for the couples that I work with. Having these agreements up front gives you less material for the differences to grate on. You still have the various differences between you but also have the template in place to have your financial life work smoothly

 

I know that a template for compromise can be developed. For instance, my friend and I will never have the same perspectives but we can build a bridge between them. With a combination of communication and couples agreements, the couples I work with will also build this bridge that takes the difficulty out of differences. 

 

 

sb  

HOW TO MAKE DIFFERENCES LESS DIFFICULT  

by Susan Bross, Financial Counselor and Money Coach 

  

You know that old saying, "Opposites attract"? That can be annoying true when it comes to couples and money styles. I've come to expect that when a couple comes to see me that they have different if not diametrically opposed money styles.

 

This makes for interesting conversation but can be challenging in the long-term unless there is a method in place to resolve the differences.

 

Some of the various solutions that I've seen include:

1. One person handles the money and the other either gets an "allowance" or spends without consciousness of the impact until a comment is made.
2. The couple splits up the bills and each doesn't really know what the other is spending.
3. There is an amount of money that each puts into the joint account and any additional amounts are put in as needed.
4. The bills are split 50/50.
5. Each pays their own bills, and then there is reconciliation at some point in the month or quarter.
6. There is a template of agreements in place based on an overview of the joint expenses and each contributes a pro rata share of the joint expenses on a monthly or per paycheck basis.

 

The first solution that I mentioned above can work well if there are agreements in place about the expectations for the non-bill-paying spouse/partner as to spending limits and the limits are based on realistic numbers for all the spending items that this money is to cover. It can misfire when the expectations are unrealistic and inflexible.

 

The second option can work if the bills are really equitable and the couple has a habit of meeting to check on the reasonableness of the arrangement. It can stop working when there isn't transparency and each starts to build a resentment that the other has more discretionary money to spend.

 

The third option can work quite well if it is based on a thorough overview of all the joint expenses, monthly and irregular, and agreement on which expenses are considered joint.

 

The fourth option can be quite fair for couples when they make approximately the same money. It becomes less tenable when there are differences in the income: one partner is paying more of the take-home pay to joint expenses than the other.

 

The fifth option can work well if the reconciliations are regular and there's an agreement in place about not only which expenses are joint, but also how much either couple can spend on an unplanned expense without getting the agreement of the other. Otherwise, the reconciliations can feel like impending doom and a partner can feel blindsided.

 

The sixth option is my favorite, and one that I work out with my clients. When there are agreements in place about how the money is to work and be spent, and each partner behaves with the agreements in mind, then their money styles don't cause road bumps because an agreed-to template is set.

 

The kind of agreements that I'm talking about can be small and large. For instance, when there is a style difference about gift-giving, there may need to be an agreement in place about the dollar amounts that both agree to spend on relatives. That may seem like a small agreement but can save disagreements all year if that particular style difference is in place.

 

The more common agreements that I suggest are:

• Who pays the bills
• When are bills to be paid (how close to the due date)
• When are the couple's financial meetings (a routine day and time) where the purpose is to review the spending and plan for the next month in a no blame, shame, judgmental zone
• How much can either spend on an unplanned item before getting the agreement of the other
• What amount of money does each have to spend monthly that they don't have to account for
• How much should be set aside annual for vacations, for home improvements, and things like hobbies or other significant discretionary spending

 

These are the more common agreements, but there can be any number of them. A guideline is that if you're tripping over the same thing in your money lives, it is time to find an agreement that deals with that issue.

 

But what if you can't agree on something? Do you leave it and come back to it? Do you leave it unresolved? Do you do what you want to do and ignore the repercussions?

 

Many of the couples that I work with have unresolved issues that have arisen from money style differences that have surfaced over and over again. Here are some ideas:

• I've found it's better to be happy than right, so just assume you're both coming from places you believe to be "right."
• To make sure that you're both coming from the same place, have your partner tell you what position they hear you're taking, and you tell them what you heard their position is. It isn't uncommon for two people to be accidentally in disagreement because of a communications glitch.
• Take a piece of paper and draw a line. On one end write down your position, and on the other end write down their position. Take your pen or pencil and put it in the center of the line and ask, "If we were to describe the position in the middle, what would it be?"
• Once you have one answer, see if you can't keep thinking of other positions that would be between your two positions.
• When you have at least three, see if there isn't one of them that the two of you could agree on.
• The process of making the positions visible and talking about middle positions takes the energy out of the style differences and enrolls both of you in the solution.

 

I believe that every couple has the opportunity to have a strong money partnership. If that isn't your reality, then give me a call or send me an email so we can discuss how you can make that money partnership happen. You will always have the differences but they don't need to be difficulties.