I have a younger brother, and when we were growing up I was often more of a parent than a sister because he was 7 years younger than I was. My mother wasn't available because of her own difficulties and my father often took long trips related to his work. So I would look after him, get meals, and make sure he was in bed at night.

 

As an adult, my brother has turned to me to help him out of difficult situations. Sometimes his difficult situation involved money, and I would get a phone call about his need for money instantly. The stories behind the request were about desperation and despair, filled with fear and anxiety. There never seemed to be a moment to think through the request because it was always so urgent. When I could, I sent the money.

 

It took me a surprisingly long time to figure out that there was a pattern going on: His calls were always at the very last minute before something dire would happen. The rent wouldn't be paid and he'd be homeless; he didn't have any money for gas and needed to get to work; he needed to make his car payment or he'd lose his car.

 

At one point between requests, I took some time to consider his situation. As dire as his circumstances seemed, it wasn't that he never had money at all. Instead he was choosing to spend money on something other than these necessary expenses. I found myself judging his choices and becoming more upset with the way he spent his money.

 

This wasn't about him as much as it was about me. People are allowed to spend their money any way that they want. The trouble comes when someone else gets pulled into the situation. I had allowed myself to be drawn into his drama and I was beginning to resent it.

 

The truth was that giving him money wasn't teaching him anything about making better choices. I was unintentionally helping him stay stuck in a losing formula. By giving him money in response to his last minute "emergency requests," I wasn't helping him learn to make different decisions, but rather giving him the darker message that he needed to be helped and he didn't have the ability to get out of his own problems.

 

The next time he called, I said "No," to the money request. Instead we took some time to explore what options he had. He wasn't happy. He was used to being bailed out at the last minute. The result was that he stopped calling me about money. In fact, he stopped calling me entirely for a while, but that didn't last forever. I continued to act in a loving manner, and was responsive to him, I just wasn't giving him money.

 

I know I am not the only person who has ever had to deal with a situation like this. I've worked with many clients who have struggled to find a path through this situation that is fraught with emotional landmines. This month's article was written to assist parents, spouses, partners, and friends who have faced this situation with the ones they love.

 

If you're having problems in this area, give me a call. Together we can explore how you can build a different outcome with your loved one that doesn't require bail outs. You want to help them, not accidentally hurt them, and I can show you how to make this happen.

Until next time,


Susan
p.s. Don't forget my brand new mini-program! I am offering a free trial. email if you's line to join us.

 

p.p.s. A special welcome to my new subscribers!  I sincerely hope you will appreciate my articles and insights!

sb  

When to Financially Bail Out a Loved One

 

I don't need to tell you about how hard the economy has been. We've all experienced it, when our 401Ks became 200.5Ks, jobs became dicier (and perhaps went away), and well-educated college grads became coffee baristas.

 

But it hasn't just been during this downturn that my clients have had to deal with requests for money from loved ones. Although the recession has fueled the requests, I have worked with clients around over-generosity for decades.

 

The calls I get aren't about the first time they've received a request, but the multiple requests that are alarming them. Or the adult child that is living at home and not looking very hard for a job. Or the grandchildren who are going without activities or healthy food.

 

How do you put a limit on generosity? When have you crossed over the line where you're becoming part of the problem rather than the solution?

 

The answer is different for each situation. Certainly at the beginning of a job loss or an income-reduction, a loved one might need some financial help to get through the change. Your choices as the giver are to determine how much you want to give and discuss the limits with your loved one.

 

For instance, you might consider limiting your financial help to a specific purpose. I've had clients who've agreed to pay for their grandchildren's pre-school or after-school activity, and then they pay the school directly. You might consider giving financial help for a specific period of time, with the limit clearly discussed and agreed to by all parties.

 

Perhaps your loved one has tried to find a job, but can't see past their specific field. In their minds they are a carpenter or a real estate agent and can't see where their skills can be utilized in other areas. They need help to see that they aren't only a carpenter or agent, but rather a conglomeration of many skills and experiences that can be generalized towards other jobs.

 

You could be of service by offering to pay for the skill development or guidance they need in order to change the situation long-term. This would perhaps be career counseling, financial counseling, therapy, or whatever might help your loved one learn how to have different outcomes.

 

With the situation of multiple requests when there hasn't been an income reduction, however, you definitely want to look at finding a different way to be of service. The financial system that your loved one is living under isn't working in some way. You might want to consider helping them fix the system rather than continuing to fuel the revving engine. Again, this might involve helping them find outside experts that can help them learn a new way or change their thinking.

 

I know this sounds so straight forward, but I'm well aware of the emotional components that are involved. In many families, money gets intertwined with love, so that if you aren't monetarily present then you aren't showing love. Is that true? If you don't bail someone out or spend money on them, does it mean you don't love them?

 

When money equals love, you might feel that you'll chase your loved one away if you say no. Or you might appear heartless or cruel for not helping when you clearly have the resources to say yes.

 

What about that reaction from the loved one that you're dreading? The tears, the anger, or the potential scene that you do not want to go through.

 

The question becomes: are you really helping or are you allowing a non-working pattern to continue? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Are the requests urgent? When you get the request for money from your loved one, is it always an emergency? If so, you should give yourself some time in responding because your immediate reaction is often going to be about taking care of them rather than taking note of what you really want to do.
• Have you bailed this person out before? If the first monies that you gave them didn't fix the problem, then the problem isn't about money but rather the financial system they've built.
• Can you afford it? Clients have often talked about helping out loved ones while actually endangering themselves. You have the right to check out your own needs first.
• Are you really helping? Will the money that you give change the outcomes that your loved one is experiencing or just put a bandage on a symptom?
• What limits are you setting? If you set a limit of time, specific expense, or conditions for the financial aid, then make sure that you're willing to keep that limit. Try on the conversation you'd have about stopping the support or cutting them off.

 

Love isn't about money but rather caring enough about someone to be present and offer service that is in their best interest. These, however, can be difficult decisions to make and tricky conversation to have. 

 

Speaking of being present...here's one for you!

 

 

 I am beginning a group counseling teleseminar series in April. It is open to you if you've ever been curious about working with me. A free "trial" group call on the attitudes and beliefs that can be obstacles to financial freedom will be held on March 14th at Noon. Sign up today by emailing me or you can call me at 415-479-1290 

 

The call will be about an hour with a 20-25 minute teaching segment followed by time for group discussion and interaction.  This is a free no obligation call. When you register, you will receive the recording in case you want to listen again or are unable to attend live on March 14th. 

 

I'd love to have you there, so please register at your earliest opportunity.