My dog has squirrel psychosis. The symptoms are the inability to think or obey once a squirrel is sighted. Our walks are more like squirrel patrols. We visit the sites of previous intrusion while he searches the trees for invaders.

 

I've only been his owner for about three months, and it is clear that squirrels were not in his previous backyard. The first few times he saw them, he stared at me as though saying, "Are you aware there are rats on the ground and in the trees, and you allow this? What is wrong with you." He couldn't understand why I wasn't more upset.

 

His type of terrier was bred to be ratters. In his specific case, to clear out the rodents from the hillocks of stones in Scotland called cairns. To his mind, a squirrel is just a cute rat.

 

I mention this story because we all have our personal "item psychoses." There is something in your life that you have no problem spending money on. It could be electronics, shoes, bicycles, antique cars, personal care treatments...whatever. Let's just call them all squirrels.

 

It is as though our normal monitoring system is put on pause and we can justify spending any amount. We are hyper-alert to their presence and react strongly when the "squirrel" is in sight.

 

The problem comes in trying to justify all this to a life partner, one who doesn't have the same "squirrel." That's what the article below is about, coming to grips with the differences between couples.

 

Sometimes navigating couple's finances can be tricky, and I love being able to help my clients take that journey and create a satisfying financial partnership in their relationship. It usually isn't about caging the "squirrel," but having that experience in a more measured fashion.

 

 

Susan

 

A special welcome to my new subscribers! I sincerely hope you will appreciate my articles and insights!

sb  

 

 

This I the fourth and final article in my series on couples and money, and the subject is couple's agreements. Because it's so normal for couples to have different money styles, the way to bridge the differences is to have a series of couple's agreements about how your money life is to work.

 

There are two major problems that I see in this regard: the agreements that were in place at first no longer work and weren't re-vamped, or that there hasn't been a framework for the finances at all.

 

One couple that I met with had a recurring issue of both  partners spending unexpectedly, which led to mounting overdraft debt. The expenditures weren't ridiculous but hadn't been discussed and so the discomfort came from the unpredictability of it.

 

We human beings need predictability in order to relax. Our fight-flight-freeze response stems from the days of the caveman who needed to be alert to something out of the ordinary. Noticing the movement in the bush to the right allowed the caveman make choices and avoid the tiger.

 

Fast forward several thousand years, and modern man is alert for the idiot driver who pulls a bonehead move, or warning signals like alarms and sirens. In your financial life, these warning signs are overdrawn accounts, increasing debt, decreasing savings, and late fees.

 

Predictability is therefore a valuable aspect of couples and money. This predictability is possible when you plan your spending, as we discussed in the previous article, and when you have a framework of couple's agreements in place.

 

Common couple's agreements are:

• How much money can you spend before you need your partner's agreement?
• What is the upper limit you'll spend on gifts: For each other? For the kids? For extended family? For friends? Very often one of the partners is the gift buyer and can end up taking a lot of flak for the purchases even though they've gone through the work of finding the gift.
• Who is going to pay the bills? When? How are you going to keep each other informed? How close to the due date will they be paid?
• How much do you agree to save each pay period?
• How are your kids to receive the money they need (allowances? Mommy/Daddy ATM?)
• How much is your vacation budget this year, and what are you planning as trips to stay within that amount?
• How much are you planning as home project money for the year? What projects are you planning that stay within that amount?

Couples come to agreement all the time about who is going to pick up the kids, be at their games, attend Parents' Night, dinnertime, bedtime. You're using those same skills and applying it to your money.

 

Money needs tending just like the kids do. I think we can agree that there's nothing worse than bratty children and nothing more frightening than feral money. When money goes feral and no one's tending it, it has a tendency to run away and be out on the streets (and not in your accounts).

 

Next Steps:

• Prior to your next couple's financial meeting, each of you should write out your answers to the above questions. Some of them you'll be surprisingly in agreement on, and some you won't. Take one of those that you're not in agreement on and talk about it. How far apart are you? What is a middle ground that you're both willing to live with? Confirm the agreements in an email after the meeting.
• As you move forward in your daily finances, make a note of those areas in your money life over which you have continuing conflict. This signals an area that needs a couple's agreement. What can you put in place so that these conflicts can go away?
• Communication and collaboration are the key tools here. Each of you needs to be heard without judgment (both in face and words). Each of you needs to collaborate until you find a middle ground that is acceptable. Be careful not to allow this to degenerate into a power struggle.

 

The framework of your finances is built with couple's agreements which are reviewed when they are no longer working or if your life changes (new home, new child, new job, etc.). They bring the predictability that is the key to relaxing into your life.

 

If couple's agreements aren't easy for you, give me a call or  email me and we can discuss how to build that framework specifically for you. I offer a free Strategy Session to allow you the chance to firm up your objectives, identify potential obstacles, and find out how I can get you to your goals easier and faster than doing it yourself.