I've been civilizing my formerly abused shelter-rescue dog, and watching how he reacts to anything new or scary. He barks hysterically and will strike out if he feels threatened.

 

What has struck me is how initiating any change in my life can elicit the same thing. I don't bark (often) but I can push back if I feel threatened by the newness. The gift of watching Pepper is that he has no compunctions about showing exactly how he feels in the moment.

 

Have you ever wanted to change something, but when it started to feel different and perhaps scary, you pushed it away( in your own way)?  

 

Even if the change you're reaching for is a great thing that would improve your outcomes, you can accidentally say no to it because it is unfamiliar and therefore scary.

 

If this sounds familiar, then you might want to reach out for someone to help you through your transition. We don't have to do change alone. If it's about your finances, then you could call me for a free Improving Your Outcomes Strategy Session and explore without obligation what could be possible.

 

By the way, it's been two months that I've had Pepper, and he's barking much less and hasn't bitten anyone in weeks. After five years of being abused, it's pretty remarkable that he has that resiliency left. It's something to remember for all of us.

Until next time,

 

Susan

 

A special welcome to my new subscribers! I sincerely hope you will appreciate my articles and insights!

sb  

 

Often partners are blamed and held responsible for spending decisions when they don't have all the information. It often begins when the couple starts living together. They keep their finances basically separate, as though they were two single people living together. Seems natural, right?

 

But then things changed. Perhaps they got married, bought a house together, had a child together or changed jobs or income levels. It's funny how often one or even all of these situations get added to a couples life and yet the financial set up of long ago doesn't get revisited.

 

Soon resentment starts to build. "We make so much money I don't know why he's after me about every little expense." He's thinking, "Doesn't she understand how close we run every month and there she is buying another outfit for the baby."

 

What so often surfaces in the work I do with couples, is that neither of them is fully informed about the true costs of their lifestyle choices. Usually one or the other is the bill-payer, and is fully informed of the fixed expenses for the month and jostled by the irregular expenses. The bill-payer is carrying a load, juggling the finances monthly, and not sure how it's all going to come out.

 

The non-bill-paying partner often is the one who is doing the daily spending on maintaining the children, the home, the supplies, the groceries, etc. This partner is frustrated because it seems like they make enough money so where is it all going?

 

I have found that commonly, the partner who manages the fixed expenses but not the daily spending is unaware of the costs of daily lifestyle choices. When this person sees how the money is actually being spent, then there is less tension about the situation.

 

Without full disclosure, each partner is put in the position of defending their actions with no sense of the overview. It is important for couples to have equal knowledge of the lifestyle costs even if the actual financial tasks aren't shared.

 

When both partners are aware of the full spending overview, together they can start to make mutual decisions about which lifestyle choices they would like to change. It's not unusual, when working together as fully informed equals, for a couple to come to a solution and agreement on issues that used to plague them. In fact, I've seen it happen over and over again.

 

Although the scenario I've used is only one of many, the feelings are common: resentment, suspicion, confusion, frustration, and often anger. Conversations about money are usually not pleasant and often happen only when there's a problem.

 

Here are some steps you might consider if this article resonates with you:

1. In a simple format, write out with your partner three columns of expenses: Monthly fixed expenses/bills, irregular expenses broken into a monthly average, and the monthly flexible expenses. When you add up the impact of all three per month, you can see if there is any work that you need to do to have a better outcome. Additionally, I've had clients that were finally able to save money because they could see that without the random spending they had several hundred dollars they could save if it was removed before the spending started.
2. Re-visit the agreements that you have in place now. For instance, if you started at a 50/50 split of joint expenses, is it still a fair split up of the expenses if the income picture has changed? If there is a salary or income disparity, you might want to consider a pro rata share rather than 50/50 (i.e., if one makes 60% of the family income, and the other 40%, then the joint expenses might be more reasonably split 60/40).
3. Are you in need of other couple's agreements? Do you have a shared understanding of how much should be spent on gifts, when bills are to be paid, when credit cards are to be used, how much each could spend on an unplanned item without getting agreement from the other, what goals you're achieving and how you're going to get there? Although mind-reading is often assumed as a sign of love, I haven't found that it actually works.

  

Full money partnership doesn't have to be a mysterious process.  If you need expert advice and guidance about how to re-frame your couple's agreements, have trouble getting to that financial overview, or have long-term patterns in place that keep tripping you up, then let's schedule an Improving Your Outcomes Strategy Session. I offer these sessions at no cost. In it, we'll explore what your objectives are, your obstacles to those objectives, and how my services could help you. Together, let's structure a money partnership that can work for both of you.