The summer months keep us all hopping, trying to relax and enjoy the beautiful weather while having as much fun as possible. Families are together more, which is great (usually). Sometimes, though, that much togetherness can point out some speed bumps in a relationship.

 

In the next few issues of my newsletter, I'm going to be writing about unconstructive money issues that are prevalent in couples and how they can be improved. This first article is on why communication about money can be difficult with your partner, and six steps you can take to ease that difficulty.

                  

Enjoy the possibilities...in the summer days, in the time with your family, and in improving your money relationship with each other.

Until next time,

 

Susan

 

A special welcome to my new subscribers! I sincerely hope you will appreciate my articles and insights!

sb  

 

When couples come into my office, the most common complaint is that they can't talk about money without a disagreement or perhaps a fight. When I ask how they resolve these conflicts, I often hear that they never do get resolved. The issues linger, the feelings get exacerbated, and the situation worsens.

 

Why is talking about money difficult for so many couples? Why is money one of the top three reasons mentioned for breakup or divorce (the other two being parenting and sex)?

That old saying "opposites attract" is the culprit - opposite money styles, in this case.

 

The same qualities that originally attract a person to his or her mate become a basis for later disagreements. The person who values saving is attracted to a mate who is a joyous spender. A spouse who is fearful and conservative with financial decisions is drawn to a partner who feels that everything will always work out no matter what. The money detail person has a money vagueness spouse.

 

The disagreements start when the saver begins to resent the spender's habits and the spender rues the saver's frugality. The fearful spouse is more fearful than ever and the partner rejects this bleakness. The money detail person is more detailed than ever and frustrated by the spouse's vagueness.

 

So where do these trouble-causing money styles come from? The answer lies in childhood, specifically between the ages of 3 and 6. That is the time in a child's development when he/she is making sense of the world, taking in what is seen, heard, and experienced and then applying a particular meaning to it.

 

What is intriguing about this process is that a child isn't able to  

put intellectual understanding behind what they are observing. This can cause a child to imitate behavior patterns that don't bring good results.

 

For instance, if one parent is holding the family together by keeping track of every dime and does so with joylessness and fear, the child might be attracted to the joyful spending behavior of the other, less financially responsible, parent. If the emotional climate of the situation was different, and the frugal parent was proud and excited about money, the child might be attracted to the financially responsible parent instead, despite the detail and frugality.

 

One of my clients shared with me memories of her father teaching her early about money in a way that made her enjoy the benefits of saving and investing. He would spend time with her on financial education and buy her stock in her favorite companies as birthday gifts. Her habits around saving and investing are reflected in her adult life in terms of financial security. She views frugality as a gift rather than a detriment.

 

So how do couples get past these ingrained styles and develop a true financial partnership? Here are some steps to practice:

1. Schedule financial meetings: It's best if the meetings are scheduled on the same day/same time so that they become routine, and financial conversations are not held in between.
2. Be prepared: These couple's meetings are to discuss your personal finances, which are the business part of your relationship. Bring in an agenda, and leave with an action plan.
3. Start with a compliment: Before beginning on the money tasks, give each other a compliment about something that you've seen them improve on in regard to money, or a benefit you've seen. This will start the meeting on a higher level.
4. Numbers, not concepts: Your style differences live in concepts. The numbers are indisputable, so stick with the numbers. The conversations would be more like: "a trip to Paris will cost $XXX...how can we fit that into our vacation fund and when would we be able to go"? Rather than: "What do you think about going to Paris this summer."
5. Follow up previous action plans: Before starting with the current tasks, check in on the completion of the previous action plan so that you have the continuity from meeting to meeting and accountability for the action plans.
6. Keep it short: Epic meetings only send people to overwhelm. Set a timer for a ½ hour, and if that's not enough then reschedule. You want to be productive but not burdened.

You don't have to have separate money lives in order to survive your money differences.  

 

If "opposite money styles attract" describes your situation and you would like support, give me a call and schedule your free strategy session. Together we will shine the light on the possibilities and find your path to true financial partnership.