When I sent out my invitation to receive  "7 Keys to Take Charge, Take Action and Live a Struggle Free Money Life," I had no idea how many people would decide to download it. I am so pleased that you were one of them - Thank you! I hope you enjoyed reading it and I would love to hear your thoughts.

While the weather in Eugene is trying to decide if it's summer or not, I'm taking time to civilize a terrier mixed breed dog that I've recently adopted. I've named him Pepper because his coat is brindle, and I'm finding that no matter what the weather, he loves to walk a lot. It's a great reminder for me that the precious things in life don't need to involve money.

The topic for this newsletter is related to that thought. A frequent client issue lately has been the choices about money and those we care about. When does it cross the line? The article below should help to answer that question.

Enjoy!

Susan

A special welcome to my new subscribers! I sincerely hope you will appreciate my articles and insights!

sb  

Giving freely is part of healthy money management. You deserve to feel good about what you're giving and the positive results that your giving creates.

It may be hard for you to imagine that generosity could become a problem, yet it's an issue that clients bring to me often. Generosity can take many forms - a parent helping out at adult child financially, someone helping a family member who is less well-off, or even a spouse who wants to use money to buy their partner's happiness.

There is nothing inherently  wrong with any of these actions. Each one is done with good intent, and there is no "dark side" - unless it becomes a pattern or a burden. So what changes gracious generosity into problem generosity?

Here's an example from my own life. At one time I had a family member who called me because there wasn't enough money to pay the rent. I responded immediately and sent the money. When it happened a second time, it got me to thinking.

Although I believed that this family member did indeed need money to pay the rent, I wondered what decisions had been made prior to that point which caused the relative to spend the rent money. I sent the money again, but I resented it. The third time it happened, I said, "No." It had become obvious to me that giving money wasn't solving the problem, so instead I offered to help this relative think through finding another solution.

The dark, perhaps unconscious, motivations that can be behind problem generosity are hard to see. There can be a desire to ensure someone's love by using money as the vehicle. It is a very common belief that spending money is a way to show someone you care.

Sometimes there is a need to preserve a connection in the relationship, and money becomes the way to connect. The fear is that without money as the connector, that person wouldn't want to be with you.

Some of my clients tell me about how they feel like a white knight when they bail someone out. The belief is that being the hero would raise the other person's opinion and regard for you.

Continually bailing out others may send out an unintended, unfortunate message: that you don't believe they can take care of themselves and can only survive if they stay dependent on you. This is an unwelcome side effect of your initially good intent.

If you suspect you may be drifting into problem generosity, here are some next steps that you can take:

1. Don't say "yes" for 24 hours. This gives your head time to catch up with your heart. You'll be able to know whether you truly want to do this or are reacting compulsively to the emotion of the request.
2. Take the time to examine your own finances. Are you putting yourself at personal risk? Here are some questions you might ask yourself to help you decide: Are you funding your own retirement adequately? Do you have a safety net for the unpredictability of our current economy? Are you carrying credit card debt?
3. Set limits. If you decide you do want to help out, set a time limit. Or select a specific expense that you're willing to help with. After thorough discussion and assessment, one client decided to help out an adult child, and selected the pre-school costs. The reason being that this would help keep the grandchildren from being affected by the parents' financial decisions. You can also decide, before the year starts, how much you're willing to put aside into a savings account that year for that person.   That way, when the requests come, you have an automatic limit on the amount you're willing to give, having decided it ahead of time.

I know how difficult it can be on an emotional level to deal with money requests from those you care about. One way to feel the gracious generosity that you intend is to decide for yourself ahead of time what you're willing to do and the limits you're willing to set (and keep).

It can be hard to evaluate your financial situation without bringing your emotions into the picture, whether you are considering helping someone financially or you are simply making decisions about your own situation. If you sometimes wonder "where all of the money went" or are at odds with your partner over money, this is a cue that an outside opinion may be of value.

I now offer complimentary consultations to help you begin to see where you can change and improve your finances. When you are "done" with how it has been and ready to embrace change, please contact me to set up your confidential appointment.