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Don't Make Ass-umptions
by Denise Hedges
What's this guy doing?
Here I am pouring everything I have into my presentation. I'm revealing very personal things about me and my life. I'm talking to the audience about a way to transform the very experience of being a human alive here on earth. I'm offering people a lifeline ... or at least a way to have much happier and more fulfilled lives.
And this guy is reading the paper!
I kid you not. I'm at a farm in Tennessee doing an introduction for the Landmark Forum to about 20 people and this guy is sitting just to the left of me and he isn't paying the least bit of attention. He's deep into the sports section.
Now, how do you think this makes me feel? What do you think is going through my head? Sure, I'm concentrating on the other people there and doing my best to give them all of myself that I can. And yet, there he is. He's hard to ignore, and it's hard not to speculate.
What's up exactly? Am I not inspiring enough? Is he bored? Is he trying to tell me something? Did somebody just drag him along to the session and he figures he'll make the most of his time? I don't know, but I'd sure like to.
My default assumption is that I'm doing something wrong or that, for some reason, he doesn't like me. Now, that's silly, because he doesn't even know me. My mind is way too busy!
Many of you folks are using speaking as a way to build your business or are interested in doing so. Here's what I want you to know.
You WILL make stuff up when people are silent ... or SEEM minimally engaged ... or reading the paper. And most of it will be complete fantasy.
Turns out the guy had already decided to sign up for the program, and he was just waiting till I was done to fill out the paperwork!
You just can't make any kind of accurate judgment about where people are coming from based solely on their non-verbal reactions or lack thereof. And most of what you make up will be disempowering, so don't assume, because we all know what assuming makes out of u and me.
I recently spoke to a group of training professionals. I wasn't getting much energy or feedback from them. I just didn't feel as if I were connecting. And even though they got into it a bit more as I went along, I had the feeling I was failing to impress the trainers.
There were 16 people in the room, three of whom were students. And out of the remaining 13 people, seven signed up for a complimentary coaching session. Turns out they liked me just fine and were quite interested. In fact, when I spoke to them individually for their complimentary coaching session, they kept telling me I was one of the very best speakers they've ever heard! Really? They just happened to be introverts who hold their cards closer to the vest and are less expressive non-verbally.
So, while it's hard to not make assumptions in situations like this, do your best to just let these thoughts go, because you can't serve people effectively when you're "in your head."
And you could say or do something you regret.
My partner, Tom, was teaching a college speech class once. It was the first day and a young man had come in late and taken a seat in the front row of seats to one extreme side of the rather large classroom. Tom hadn't noticed him enter. As Tom was making some welcoming remarks and outlining the course, every once in a while, the kid would roll his whole head the way you'd roll your eyes when presented with questionable information.
Tom almost said something challenging to the kid, but didn't. At the end of class, the student stood up, extended his cane, and made his way out of the room. He was blind.
Never assume you know what's going on. You probably don't.
Best Wishes,
Denise
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