Church Knots, Double-Binds and how to Unravel Them

"When I'm with him, my stomach gets tied up in knots!"  "She is a pain in the neck/rear/(name your part of the anatomy)!"  Knots tie up our closest relationships .  And knots show up in churches.  Especially difficult are those double-binds, where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't!  Following is a list of some knots and double-binds I've seen in churches.  With which do you resonate?  What might you add?

1.  Christians are supposed to be nice.  Nice people don't disagree with one another.  So if you disagree with me, you must not be a Christian.  I don't want you in my church - or to be in yours.

2.  As the pastor, I should know more about God than any church member so a church member should never question a pastor.  When you ask a questions  that I cannot answer, you make me unsure of myself.  You are attacking me.  You don't respect me as your pastor.   I wish you weren't in this church.

3a. Pastors are closer to God than any church member so any pastor who has doubts about the Bible or faith or God shouldn't be a pastor. 

3b. I expect that since they are only human, pastors will have questions  about God and doctrines about God; I further expect that pastors will be open about their doubts.   My pastor doesn't ever voice any doubts or questions.  So she/he must be a hypocrite.  I need to find another church.

4.  Mrs. Jones, who paid for the pipe organ and left a fund for its maintenance, loved God and this church more than anything.  You are pushing to use the organ less and even suggesting we might replace the Jones memorial organ with a digital instrument.  You are dishonoring Mrs. Jones.  In fact, you don't like any old people.  You want to kick me out of my church. 

5. I prayed that God would heal my sister from her cancer.  She died.  Therefore there is no loving God.  I'm through with church.

6.  Pastors should be truly dedicated to God and shouldn't expect to take any time off.  Pastors should spend lots of time in prayer and preparation.  Pastors shouldn't work so many hours that they don't spend the right amount of time with their families.  Nevertheless, I expect you to be available any time I need you and also be devoted to your family.

7.  Pastors are supposed to be faithful to their spouses.   They are also supposed to be warm and loving towards everyone.  I feel sexually attracted to you, my pastor.  You must be doing something to attract me.  So I must distance myself from and find fault with you.

8. We are a friendly church.  But we are especially friendly to each other and not so much to newcomers. You have to be members for ten years to really become part of this congregation.  Sorry about that.

9. Pastors should tithe to their congregation because they are supposed to be the most faithful Christians.  But don't expect me to tithe because I have children to put through college and car payments to make.

10. You should be able to share your deepest hopes and your greatest fears, your betrayals , failures, and triumphs with pastors.  And you should count on them to keep your confidences and love and support you no matter what. But there's one thing you do not want pastor to know: the amount you give to the church.  If they knew how much you gave, their behavior towards you would certainly be slanted one way or the other.

11.  Because pastors are called by God to the ministry, then they should appreciate all the generous gifts we give to them - like the perfectly good sofa that used to be in our living room which we replaced.  That it doesn't match your color preferences shouldn't matter.

12. We treasure our children and so enjoy their enthusiasm and energy!  But we don't dare let them in the ladies memorial parlor.  They might break something very valuable.

13. Correct church music is that which has been sung for centuries.  If these young folks don't like traditional church music, perhaps they should try one of the evangelical churches. 

14. Mission is helping those who are poor or are in heathen countries so we are neglecting mission if we spend money to keep up our building.  It's important to maintain my house so it has good resale value but it's not necessary to maintain the church building.

15. Twenty-five years ago the pastor had an affair with a church member.  That proves you really cannot trust pastors.  Keep your eye on your pastors so you don't get fooled again!

In my work with pastors and churches, I see church folks tying themselves in all kinds of knots.  I bet that you resonated with some of the knots you just read. 

What are some knots and double-binds you identify in your church?  Especially in the relationships among leaders?   What unrealistic expectations are there of pastors or elders? 

Make a list of what you observe. I have found that simply listing these knots helps my clients get clearer on what's going on.   

Next, ask what are the norms or expectations behind these knots and double-binds.  Norms and expectations are those rules, sometimes written, but often not written, that guide a group's behavior.  Examples might be:

• the pastor knows more than anyone and should be followed
• the pastor is our hired hand
• real church music is based on the classics and traditional hymns
• a real Christian never gets angry and should turn the other cheek when bullies insist on their own way.
• we take care of each other
• we understand the importance of grateful and generous giving and have no financial problems.

Try to express these norms in simple declarative statements.  (see pp. 23-24 of Entering Wonderland: a Toolkit for Pastors New to a Church for some examples of both positive and negative norms.)

Based on what you've done so far, might you have a conversation with your church's leaders about the knots that you see and encourage them to identify what they see?  Then explore what the positive norms are in your church?  How might you affirm and reinforce these positive norms?

What are some knots and double-binds that impede your church's ministry?  What norms are behind them?  What steps might you take to identify and address some of the negative norms?

I would welcome the opportunity to  help you identify and deal with some of the knots and double-binds in your congregation.

If you would like some help to grow as a leader, I encourage you to consider coaching, either one on one or in a group.  Most of my coaching is done by phone in order to minimize commuting but I make exceptions.  Further, phone coaching makes it possible for me to have clients who live many miles away. 

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