November 2014    
Harris Coaching and Consulting            
Thoughts for Leadership and Life
    
In This Issue
Eleven Curious Questions
Resource - Daring Greatly

FAQ'S about Coaching?

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Friends and Colleagues,

 

My book, Entering Wonderland: A Toolkit for Pastors New to a Church is out!  It is available at the Rowman and Littlefield/Alban website

https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781566997591 and also on Amazon and through Barnes and Noble.

 

I am already using it extensively with clients.  They find the various tools and tips are very helpful as they deal with various challenges in their ministry.  


 

Interim pastors are getting copies for the pastor search committee as well as the new pastor.


 

Should you like a form to get a 25% discount, please email me and I'll send it to you.


 

A humorous note: in the first printing the title for Chapter 7 is printed as What Have You Learned About Yourself: Gremlines and Boundaries.  


 

That's right:  "gremlines!"  Somehow a typo slipped in after the final proofing and the print process.  

I think it's the Lord's way of reminding me of my tip: "Don't take yourself so seriously."

Regardless of the gremlines, I am very grateful for incredible blessings in this Thanksgiving season.  I wish you abundant blessings and encourage you to cultivate an attitude of gratitude in your congregations and families.

If you know someone who might benefit from my thoughts here, please use the "Forward to a Friend" button in the newsletter (that way you'll avoid problems with spam filters) 
 
Here's to clarity about how God is leading us!  

Peace,      
Bob  


Eleven Curious Questions

 

In my March newsletter I discussed how important it is to understand your congregation's culture.  What are the norms and values which guide behavior?  What is behind these norms?

 

In my book I offer a tool that is especially helpful to pastors new to a congregation: Eleven Curious Questions.  I encourage every pastor, both those new to a congregation and those who have been there a while, to use this tool to interview a significant portion of the congregation, beginning with the governing board and staff and then interviewing a number of other key persons.  It has eleven basic questions with some possible follow-up questions.  Obviously if you have been in the congregation a while, you will tweak the questions.  Here is the tool.

           

Tool 3: Eleven Curious Questions

 

1. Tell me about a time when you felt especially proud of some members or leaders of your congregation, when you felt they were really following Christ. What makes this incident stand out in your mind?

 

2 . Who do you especially respect as leaders? Why do you hold them in high regard?

 

3. Tell me why you're glad you are a member of this congregation.

Why did you join this congregation instead of another one? (Did you try other congregations?)

How have fellow members been especially helpful to you?

How would you assess the friendliness of this congregation? How easily do people here welcome newcomers? Quickly? Or do people have to be members for several years before they really feel part?

 

4. How has being part of this congregation helped you and members of your family grow in faith? Please give me some examples of experiences or classes that made a difference. How did you change?

 

5. Tell me a story about when congregation members resolved a conflict or difference effectively. What do you think the congregation learned from this experience? How effectively do leaders and members handle differences now?

 

6. What have you especially valued about your pastors and other congregational staff? (Be specific.) Do any sermons, initiatives, or attributes of your previous pastor come to mind?

 

7. Tell me about a time when you were disappointed with members or leaders. What happened? (Seek the cause of the disappointment-for example a betrayal or someone simply not working hard enough or having unrealistic expectations.)

 

8. Complete this sentence: "God is calling this congregation to be ..."

 

9. What do you think God wants your congregation to emphasize in the next three to five years?

 

10. What else do I need to know in order to thrive in this congregation and community?

 

11. Do you have any other concerns or suggestions?

What chronic frustrations or differences do you hope I can help the congregation deal with?


 

 From Entering Wonderland: A Toolkit for Pastors New to a Church, by Robert A Harris, Rowman and Littlefield, 2014, all rights reserved. For permission to reprint, distribute or reuse, please contact the publisher.

 

Interview a broad representation of leaders using these questions. Note that I say interview them. Don't just send these questions as a questionnaire. Use them as a springboard for conversation. There is nothing like a face-to-face conversation to get to know people and help them get to know you. You will see their body language, sensing the emotions behind their responses. They will see that you are really interested in their perception of the congregation and their suggestions for you. Further, if you are using these questions in an interview, you can quickly adapt them, either asking good follow-up questions or skipping questions that the person has already answered.

 

I have found that people like being interviewed. Most people like to give the pastor their take on things. Interviews demonstrate that you are genuinely curious about this congregation and its people.  You are really interested in them.

 

What's a broad representation of leaders? In a family-size congregation, it might be 10 people, but in a pastoral size or larger, I encourage you to interview at least 25 to 35 leaders.

 

Introduce the interview process to your governing board and start by interviewing them. After you have begun interviewing the board, tell the congregation that you can be most effective as their pastor when you get to know them in some depth. Explain that a particularly helpful method you have found (or have read about) is to interview members of the congregation, beginning with formal leaders. Invite people to ask you to interview them. Take notes while you're listening; it affirms to your interviewees that you're really paying attention.

 

I have typically interviewed people one at a time, but have sometimes interviewed couples, and in a few instances, I have met with adult education classes and existing small groups. Stress to individuals and couples that their answers will be confidential.(However, you can't really promise confidentiality in a group since you can't control what group members will say later.) Remember, your primary purpose is to get to know them. However, explain to them that their responses will possibly be compiled with others' responses into a report or series of reports to the board and congregation. (At this point you won't know whether you're going to prepare a formal report.)

 

As you are reading this, you may be exclaiming, "I am so busy writing a weekly sermon, making pastoral calls, planning for weddings or funerals, planning the board's agenda, and dealing with complaints about the music or youth group! And you are telling me that I need to find another 25 hours to interview people one on one??? I don't have time to do that!"

 

To this concern I offer two questions: "Would you rather have people warn you now about potential minefields or loose cannons or would you prefer to stumble unknowingly into them later?" and "Are you genuinely interested in getting to know the leaders of the congregation and the way its system works and do you want them to get to know you as one who is there for them?"

 

Trust me. Doing these interviews really works.


 

Now, having done the interviews, what have you learned?

 

Who are the real, trusted leaders?  And who are the loudmouths who want you to see them as leaders, but whom nobody really respects?

 

How clear are members and leaders about the congregation's mission and vision?

 

How have they handled differences over the years?  What stories do they tell about church fights?  What do you learn about their norms for having good fights?

 

To what extent is the office of pastor respected and honored?  Or have there been betrayals that undermine you from the start?

 

What minefields do you learn about?  Where do you need to be careful, especially before you gain much credibility?

 

How important is growth in faith and service important to people or are they just going through the motions?

 

Even if you have been in a church for a while, I encourage you to interview people every three years or so.  You may learn a lot!


 

How to dig deeper into this data is beyond what I can do in a newsletter column but I have a number of suggestions in my book.  I would also be glad to coach you as you reflect on your new data.

 

If you would like some help to grow as a leader, I encourage you to consider coaching, either one on one or in a group.  Most of my coaching is done by phone in order to minimize commuting but I make exceptions.  Further, phone coaching makes it possible for me to have clients who live many miles away.

 

If you find this article helpful and think it might be helpful to a friend, please forward my newsletter to that friend using the "Forward to a Friend" button.  

 

 

Resources - books and other resources that have been helpful  
 
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Dr. Brene' Brown

 

Do you ever compare yourself to someone else and come up short?  You tell yourself that you are never ...

  • smart enough
  • important enough
  • rich enough
  • beautiful enough
  • skinny enough
  • strong enough
  • a good enough parent, etc.?

 

Dr. Brene' Brown, a professor and shame researcher at the University of Houston, asserts that shame is an integral part of the human condition.    Complete the sentence for yourself:  "I'm never (fill in the blank) enough!"   I can certainly fill add items to those listed above and I bet you can too.

 

Brown asserts that most Americans suffer from an attitude of scarcity.  Scarcity has three components: Shame, Comparison, and Disengagement.

 

"Shame: Is fear of ridicule and belittling used to manage people and/ or to keep people in line? Is self-worth tied to achievement, productivity, or compliance? Are blaming and finger-pointing norms? Are put-downs and name-calling rampant? What about favoritism? Is perfectionism an issue?

 

"Comparison: Healthy competition can be beneficial, but is there constant overt or covert comparing and ranking? Has creativity been suffocated? Are people held to one narrow standard rather than acknowledged for their unique gifts and contributions? Is there an ideal way of being or one form of talent that is used as measurement of everyone else's worth?

 

"Disengagement: Are people afraid to take risks or try new things? Is it easier to stay quiet than to share stories, experiences, and ideas? Does it feel as if no one is really paying attention or listening? Is everyone struggling to be seen and heard?"  (p. 28)

 

How do we confront and conquer these very destructive forces in our individual lives and in our culture?

 

"The counterapproach to living in scarcity is not about abundance. In fact, I think abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin. The opposite of " never enough" isn't abundance or "more than you could ever imagine." The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness. As I explained in the Introduction , there are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness: facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough. If you go back to the three sets of questions about scarcity that I just posed and ask yourself if you'd be willing to be vulnerable or to dare greatly in any setting defined by these values, the answer for most of us is a resounding no. If you ask yourself if these are conditions conducive to cultivating worthiness, the answer is again no. The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness." p 29

 

Friends, this will preach!  Brown, an active Episcopalian, has implicitly woven through her work a lot of great theology!  Here is grace!  God loves us.  We are worthwhile!  Jesus came to bring us life, and life abundant! 

 

Here is a call to courageous, wholehearted living. 

"What we all share in common- what I've spent the past several years talking to leaders, parents, and educators about -is the truth that forms the very core of this book: What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable." (p. 16)

 

I encourage you to read this for yourself - and then use it in adult classes and preaching.  And, above all, live wholeheartedly wherever you are!

------------ 

 

 

What books or resources have you found
 helpful?  I'd be glad (with available space) to share your reviews and/or suggestions.  
Future Issues (bi-monthly)
  • January 2015 - A Grand Vision or Near Term Priorities?
             
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Bob
Robert Harris, Professional Certified Coach
Harris Coaching and Consulting

703-470-9841