Fight phobia afflicts many, if not most churches.  Sometimes it's because church members have the idea that they have to be nice to everyone and being nice means that they can't disagree.  Of course there are some who take advantage of this niceness and bully any who won't stand up to them.  Or people will tamp down their anger and frustration until it explodes and then there's a huge conflict.  You have likely seen this in your congregation and in your own or other families.

When members of the board are afraid of conflict, there is a very high probability that bad decisions will be made that may well sabotage any progress. If members of a leadership team are afraid to disagree with one or two strong leaders, then they may withhold important information, resulting in bad decisions being made. A relatively new administrative assistant in a congregation in which I was a new interim pastor gave a strong-willed member permission to schedule his daughter's wedding for a Saturday on which the social hall and parking lot was going to be occupied by nearly a hundred square dancers! She was afraid to tell the member that the building was not available. I didn't catch the schedule conflict until two weeks before the big day. This sent us all scrambling! We then set up procedures to make sure that unpleasant truths were voiced.

I think of a fight-phobic congregation that was given a large bequest to buy a new pipe organ. Led by the musician (who was primarily an organist), they bought an organ that was much too large for the sanctuary. He had a wonderful instrument on which to practice his craft, but its sheer physical presence dominated the chancel, obscured a lovely stained glass window, and prevented easy use of videos.

A group in another congregation mounted a campaign to construct a building that would rival the mega-church across town. It featured an auditorium with expensive audio-visual equipment. They planned to have rousing contemporary worship (as they defined "contemporary"). However, some longtime members hated the idea and vigorously resisted the proposal. Because leaders didn't work out differences effectively, the pastor and most of those who wanted this new kind of worship and worship space were driven out of the congregation by the old-timers.

Members of every congregation will face competing commitments. Leaders might be wrestling with whether to pay for a youth worker or to employ someone to build a praise music group. Perhaps the roof needs fixing, so leaders wonder if mission giving should be cut to pay for the repairs. Leaders (including you) are pulled first one way and then another.

Members and leaders of congregations might be divided over hot social issues (especially in diverse mainline congregations). The style of worship and music generates friction between generations. You might want to introduce livelier music and some older members deem it too frivolous and younger members think of that same musicas their parents' music and not like it! Whenever there are plans that affect the building, there are differences, especially if you are planning a major addition, but even changing the color of the sanctuary walls or carpet can creates angst.People disagree about how the new pastor should allocate time and priorities. The annual budget is often the venue in which various competing commitments play out.

When leadership teams are afraid of conflict and cannot deal effectively with differences, leaders and members engage in back-stabbing, email barrages, parking-lot gossip sessions, manipulative politics, turf battles, and the like. Such behavior is extremely demoralizing, exhausting, and disillusioning. I recall one earnest leader who, under attack, remarked "I shouldn't have to watch my back in church like I do at work! I can't stay in this place any longer!"

Sometimes a kind of phony niceness paralyzes a board. Members think that Christians should never disagree or that they should never say anything that might upset someone else. So they keep quiet when they disagree with a proposed decision. Be clear: I am not saying that being kind and generous is bad. But fake niceness undermines effectiveness. "Pastor, that was such an interesting sermon" (while thinking, "I've never heard anything so outlandish"). "Mrs. Jones, I really appreciate your suggesting that we set aside a Sunday to recognize the Daughters of the American Revolution. I'll ask the worship committee to explore the idea" (while thinking, "Over my dead body will we do that!") A Cheshire-Cat smile and an over-the-top need to be nice indicates fear of conflict.

When members of a board know how to have good fights, they recognize that they will have differences and address those differences straight-forwardly. They respect each others' points of view, listening respectfully to what the other is saying. They seek the best solution for the congregation and to further the mission of Christ. More than disagreeing without being disagreeable (not a bad start!), they come up with mutually satisfactory solutions. Recall Paul telling his readers, "Speak the truth in love, to be angry but not sin, to not let the sun set on their anger" (Eph. 4:15). Paul certainly dealt with differences in the first congregations!

Do members of your church's board and staff know how to have good fights, or do they have only bad fights? You have to build trust first, but once trust is built (or at least begun to build), then leaders need to and can learn how to fight effectively. I encourage you to assess whether members of your board are fight phobic or are able to deal effectively with their differences.

What contributes to dealing effectively with differences?  You have to start with yourself and manage your own anxiety.  Be aware of your internal reaction and your external response.  If your insides are churning and you can't manage that anxiety, then you are likely to lash out or run, neither of which is a particularly effective response.  Or if you are trying to mediate between two people in conflict, it doesn't help to say "there, there, Christians shouldn't be mad at each other."  Somehow, you have to help them listen to one another even if they disagree.

How to deal with destructive conflict is beyond what I can do in a newsletter column but I have a number of suggestions in my book.  I would also be glad to coach you as you deal with conflicted situations.