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Difficult People You May Have Known
Chances are that you have encountered some difficult people. They are everywhere: in your family, your neighborhood, at work, and even in your church! Here's a compilation of some I've known and approaches I've found helpful in relating with and dealing with them.
Drawing cues from the book Coping with Difficult People by Robert Bramson, I group them into three categories.
Hostile - Aggressive:
Queens and Kings of Hearts - aka the Woman (or man) Who Runs the Church - I know of one church where the same woman gave all the committee reports to the board. She needed control and power. Dealing with such characters depends a lot on the size of the church. These are often the matriarchs or patriarchs of a family sized church. Sometimes she has a flock of flying monkeys like the Wicked Witch in the Wizard of Oz. The pastor is simply the hired servant du jour.
I encourage you to try to figure out what's behind her need for control? Has there been a clergy betrayal? Is she insecure or perhaps recently retired and needs something to run?
It's important to appreciate the Queen and then set clear expectations with her and others on the board. Perhaps you might observe how what she is doing saps morale, though that might not help. She might just say "well, someone has to do it and nobody else will."
In pastoral sized and larger churches, get board buy-in as to who has authority for what and don't let her do everything.
However, if other leaders don't step up, then you may simply decide to accept your secondary status and do what you can. Or you may decide that it's time to leave.
Snipers - Snipers shoot from behind the bushes with a sarcastic comment or a dismissive laugh. Or they might simply start reading a book during your sermon. Whatever their method, they find ways to discount you or other leaders. I think it is important to confront snipers when they take a potshot. "Sid, I just heard you scoff when Jean proposed having a mission trip. You seem to have an opinion. What are you thinking?"
Bulldozers - Similar to the Queen of Hearts, they will roll right over you and others to get their way. It's important to stand up to Bulldozers with respect. Note their concerns and goals. Respond with clear logic and data. Involve others in examining issues from different perspectives. If you get some steel in your spine and stand up to them, you will get their respect. In fact, they may end up seeing you as their best friend!
IEDs (Improvised Explosive Devices) - You tiptoe around IEDs because you know that if you touch them the wrong way - BOOM! They can exert considerable control if people let them get away with temper tantrums. When they start ranting and raving, sometimes you have to break the cycle with strong emotion. Raise your voice and say "(name - be sure to use the person's name) you're so upset we can't understand you! Let's take a break and let everyone cool off. Then we can talk some more." The key is to break the cycle of irrational behavior. Think of a parent picking up a two year old who is having a tantrum and removing him from the store or family room.
Mr. I'm the Authority, Al - Al knows all the answers to any question and if you don't believe it, just ask him! I've seen boards simply shut down when the Als or Alices start their soliloquies. I have found that asking powerful questions helps me deal with these Authorities. Recognize when Al's right and don't put him down when wrong. Reframe the issue and get other leaders to tell stories from their perspective. It may be necessary to strongly assert your authority, noting that you do have training and experience in leading churches, especially if he doesn't.
Super-Agreeables, Confusers, and Decision Averse Types
Cheshire Cats - These are the folks who are all smile and no substance. Maybe they express great enthusiasm about an idea but never show up. At the first whiff of conflict or disagreement, they disappear. With these Cats it's important to be very clear about expectations - but don't expect too much. Or, make sure they are doing something that uses their relationship skills well but doesn't demand other skills.
Tweedledee and Tweedledum - fight just for the fun of it and can never make a good decision. To the extent possible, keep them from positions of authority. Assuage their anxiety by offering them comfort and assurance - "there, there, it's going to be ok."
Mad Hatters - put normally understandable English words together in riddles or in phrases that are quite unintelligible. Some who come to mind are computer geeks, financial wizards, and theology wonks. These folks can be very helpful if they have someone who can offer simultaneous translation.
White Rabbits - with their aimless dashing about, they are confusing and amusing. When they distract you from whatever it is that you're trying to achieve, ask lots of questions for clarity. Help them focus. Sometimes they have wonderful things to offer, even loosening up tightly wrapped lawyers and accountants!
Hyper Harry - has a dozen new ideas every week and most of them involve someone else doing them! Harry oftens drives fellow leaders nuts with all their ideas, many of which are totally absurd. However, listen carefully: one idea in 20 may be incredibly important. Encourage fellow leaders to put limits on Harry but to listen very carefully for gems.
Agreeable Alexandra - always says "yes" and rarely comes through. She's a people pleaser and can't stand any disagreements. Keep her assignments limited. Make sure to clarify expectations, making good clear requests.
Passive Aggressive:
Clarissa the Clam - you never know her thoughts or opinions until she talks with friends behind your back and you hear second hand that she didn't agree with you at all. Such a person may be deeply introverted and you have to draw her out gently and respectfully. Or perhaps Clarissa believes that knowledge is power and that to share what she knows will reduce her power. In that case you may need to have a conversation about what you expect of one another.
Larry the Liar - Hard to believe, but sometimes church folks just tell lies! I think it's important to get a handle on their motivation. Perhaps liars are embarrassed that they haven't completed a project. "yes, Mom, I did my homework." A gentle confrontation might be best then. But if they are more malevolent, perhaps challenging them in a more public venue, such as a committee or board meeting, is necessary. Whatever the motivation, I think it is critical to make sure that you are aware of their lies and the consequences of lying.
Dewey the Downer and Whiney Winnie - These folks always see the glass as considerably less than half-full! Consider how you might help them appreciate the good that is happening. Humor is helpful - ask a rabid conservative is she's leading a Hilary for President group!
Ultra Careful Cal
- every possible option must be considered, all potential pitfalls guarded against, t's crossed and i's dotted! His philosophy: "don't decide until you absolutely must!" Of course, by then it's probably too late. Listen to Cal's concerns and explore what's behind his fears. Perhaps have a congregational town meeting to assess buy-in. However, don't seek complete unanimity. If you have 80% consensus on major decisions, move ahead. Consensus is not unanimity. Otherwise one or two people can stop everything.
Gertrude the Gossip and Bubba the Backstabber - these difficult people gain power by cutting other people down (especially the pastor). To deal with them, you might develop a board covenant of behavior, laying out what you expect of one another. Leaders should set a tone for how members behave with one another and not let gossips and backstabbers get away with their behavior. Of course, it is important that you develop and meet expectations and don't give them grounds for gossiping and backstabbing.
The BFP (beloved former pastor) - Former pastors can be both incredibly helpful and difficult. A friend of mine was called as a new pastor into a church where the former pastor continued singing in the choir and maintaining very close friendships with members. When someone was hospitalized, the friends called the former pastor and ignored the new pastor. My friend left that congregation after a year or so; he was never accepted as the pastor. With the support of judicatory officials, make sure that the BFP knows what the boundaries are. After you are well established as the pastor, it's great if you can work the former pastor into support roles, provided the BFP affirms that you are the pastor now.
Odds are that you know and love some of these characters! You may even be one yourself! if you are dealing with such folks or other issues or simply want to grow in your leadership ability, I encourage you to consider coaching, either one on one or in a group. Most of my coaching is done by phone in order to minimize commuting, but I make exceptions.
If you find this article helpful and think it might be helpful to a friend, please forward my newsletter to that friend using the "Forward to a Friend" button.
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