Making Up is Hard to Do  

I heard about a congregation recently in which there is a major conflict. While some there love the pastor, others want him out. One of the allegations against the pastor is that he disclosed confidential information. Though his rejoinder was that the information was public, parishioners nonetheless were outraged that he let it slip.

An organist at one church didn't show up for a funeral at which he was to play. Since this was in the days before cell phones, we had to do the funeral without him. When he got to a phone two hours later, he apologized profusely. An accident on the Washington Beltway totally paralyzed traffic; he wasn't able to do anything.

A church treasurer embezzles funds. Years later there is still suspicion.

It is part of our humanity that we betray each other. Sometimes those betrayals are intentional, sometimes not. Some are major; others are trivial. But even the trivial betrayals add up.

What can pastors and leaders do to help heal rifts that have developed in churches, deep divisions sometimes caused by events which happened decades ago?

First, if you learn of a major betrayal such as sexual misconduct or child abuse or embezzlement, then call in the troops. Bring in the appropriate denominational or civil authorities who can help you deal with it. There are trained responders who can help.

Do not try to handle major betrayals on your own!

In event of a major betrayal, read books like the one from the Alban Institute: When a Congregation Is Betrayed: Responding to Clergy Misconduct.

However, in most congregations there have been breaches of trust that continue to cause problems. Some of these have been relatively minor. Other, more serious breaches of trust, have supposedly been dealt with, yet linger. What do leaders do?

Michelle and Dennis Reina, both Ph.D. psychologists, have been studying betrayals and reconciliations in the workplace for some twenty years. I note two books and a web-link below in the Resources section.

They have identified seven steps towards rebuilding trust. It is important to note that these steps, like the stages of grief, don't necessarily occur in this sequence nor do you visit the step only once. More likely it's a kind of spiral pattern, coming back and going forward towards wholeness in God's grace.

Regardless of where you and your congregation are in the process, please consider these and use them as a framework to think about how you might bring healing.

Step 1 - Observe and acknowledge what has happened

Too often, in an effort to be nice, leaders turn the other way when someone has done something breaks trust. Maybe the director of music makes a disparaging remark about the pastor and word of the remark gets to the pastor. Maybe property committee members are afraid to make a decision because they have been undercut before by the pastor or a powerful member not on the committee.

Whatever the situation, it's important to describe the reality you observe and start a conversation about it. Encourage other people to describe what happened even if it was years ago. Be sure to get various perceptions of what happened.

Step 2 - Allow Feelings to Surface

If there has been a significant betrayal, you can be sure that strong emotions will surface. Don't tamp down the emotions. Rather, engage in active listening, demonstrating to the upset persons that you really understand and hear them.

However, set some limits. Don't allow someone to rant on and on. Limit personal attacks by one member on another. Encourage "I messages," in which a person says "when you did this, I felt..." "When you criticized my choice of hymns to the choir members, I really felt sabotaged."

Step 3 - Give People Support

People may need permission to say what they are feeling and thinking, so it is important to take them seriously. It may help to change the setting for the discussion. For example you might have a town meeting in the church building or move it to someone's home or a retreat center.

if members are upset about a board action that they think went against something previously agreed to, then you need to encourage them to go to the board and express their concern.

Step 4 - Reframe the Experience

This step is so important to bringing about some sense of reconciliation. Encourage each person to see the situation from the other's perspective and to express the other's position and perception to the satisfaction of the other - e.g. "So what you experienced or observed is this..." "That's right!"   I have found this step helps immensely.

 Encourage people who feel let down by someone else to explore the bigger picture. What were other things going on in the betrayer's life at that point? Was there a misunderstanding? Obviously in the case of sexual misconduct, you can't reframe egregious behavior. However, it is easy to mis-speak. What is humorous irony to one person may be perceived as nasty sarcasm to another.

Some members of one church in which I served were angry with board members for "kicking the pastor out."   Leaders took time to meet with them to explain the behaviors which had been kept confidential for too long. They reframed the experience.

Step 5 - Take Responsibility

Whenever I counseled couples seeking to be married a second time, I always asked, "How did you contribute to the demise of your first marriage?" Each partner has some role in the breakup even when one is more at fault.

When there is conflict between leaders in a congregation, there are several sides to the conflict. Even when one person is more at fault, virtually everyone contributes to the problem. Encourage those involved to consider what they contributed to the problem and what they might do to prevent any future problems. For what might they take responsibility?

And obviously if you contributed to the misunderstanding and sense of betrayal, you need to take responsibility for your action and explore what you might do to help heal the breach.

Step 6 - Forgive

Notice how far down the list is the admonition to forgive! Many denominations have a rite for confession of sin and assurance of pardon built into their liturgy. Paradoxically, having a routine prayer of confession and assurance of pardon, sometimes minimizes the severity of the incident and discounts the complaint of the person who was betrayed. It simply is not easy to forgive someone who has hurt you deeply, and it is even harder to reconcile with that person. You have to hear people's pain before encouraging them to move on.

Having said that, nursing a grudge is self-destructive. Paul urges his readers to let go of bitter anger. Forgiveness is every bit as important for the one who forgives as for the betrayer.

Think of the Lord's Prayer - "forgive us our sins as we forgive the sins of those who have hurt us..."

After extensive conversation, you might explore having a special service or liturgy of repentance and forgiveness.

Step 7 - Let Go and Move On

A final step is to let go and move on. This is especially the case when the offender cannot or chooses not to say "I'm sorry" - e.g. an abusive parent has died, an abusive pastor has been removed from ministry and has moved.

Yet it's critical to move on or otherwise the betrayer still controls you.

I encourage you to use these steps as a framework for thinking about betrayals in your congregation and how they might be healed. They aren't so much prescriptive as descriptive. They may help you recognize what is going on when someone makes a confusing remark and then help you respond constructively, using some of the approaches to building trust I have suggested in prior newsletters.

As you deal with betrayals and other issues, I encourage you to consider coaching, either one on one or in a group. Most of my coaching is done by phone in order to minimize commuting, but I make exceptions.

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• July - Coping with Difficult People        
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