Better Solutions for Family Law Disputes

Divorce, Child Custody, Elder Care, Inheritance

South Bay Mediation Newsletter

February 2014

For Families in Conflict and Those Who help Them

This newsletter offers information and resources to assist those seeking effective resolution of divorce and family conflicts. For more information about South Bay Mediation, informative videos, and how to schedule a free consultation...Click Here

Eric Piety, MA

Divorcing?

Don't Surrender Your Power!

By Tara Eisenhard

Throughout a marriage, couples make a multitude of decisions.

They determine where and when to hold their commitment ceremony. They decide where to live and how to decorate their home. They make choices about meals, household chores, major purchases and the names of their children.

The process isn't always easy. Sometimes conclusions take months to reach. But, for the most part, couples make these important decisions together.

Yet, when it comes to divorce, many people are willing, and sometimes eager, to give up their power to determine the future of their families.

With clenched fists or shrugging shoulders, they retain attorneys to speak for them. With open wallets, they march into courtrooms and allow a dark-robed stranger to make official rulings about the best interest of their children.

Why? Is it because angry and well-meaning friends and family urge divorcing individuals to fight with all their might? Is it because the idea of a divorce is too daunting to handle alone? Perhaps couples simply don't want to deal with such unpleasantness by themselves, and they'd rather pay professionals to do the dirty work.

I'm guessing the answer is all of the above, and then some. Regardless of the reasons people place the fate of their families in another's hands, they are rarely satisfied with the outcome. Not only is the process extremely costly, it renders families powerless in determining their fates.

If you are facing the separation process, here are some ways to maintain personal power in your divorce. Think of your ex as your ally. I realize this might sound a bit absurd, given our cultural regard for the divorce process. In reality, and from a logical perspective, it's not so crazy. You got married, acquired assets and created children as a team, and your divorce process should be approached in the same manner. Consider the final decree to be a goal that you both share.

Set more goals. Both personally and as a family. If you know ahead of time where you want to be at the end of the process, you can make better decisions along the path.

Use your professional team wisely. Throughout the divorce process, you may choose to obtain the assistance of a lawyer, therapist and financial planner, to name a few. Respect these figures for their individual specialties, and consult with them appropriately. Don't call your lawyer to discuss the balance in your savings account, and don't ask your therapist for advice about your legal proceedings. Most importantly, do not blindly follow the advice of anyone. Trained professionals can provide valuable guidance, but you and your partner should agree on the final decisions for your family.

Consider mediation. Mediators are neutral third parties dedicated to helping individuals resolve conflict. Unlike the litigation process, mediation empowers disputants to speak for themselves and determine solutions that will work best for their situation.

Keep your emotions in check. It's been said, "He who angers you controls you." The emotional roller coaster of divorce isn't a fun ride. Thus it's a common practice to latch onto anger because it masquerades as purpose and offers a sense of power. In truth, anger can be a wonderful teacher, but only when examined from a safe distance. Instead of allowing the ugliness to consume you, take a step back and consider all options before choosing an appropriate action.

In most cases, the quickest, easiest and most cost-effective divorce process involves soon-to-be exes cooperatively seeking solutions and making determinations as a team. Don't surrender your wisdom and power to choose the best options for you and your family.

Ten Golden Rules for a Good Divorce

Is a good divorce possible?

After 30 years of experience helping families cope with divorce and remarriage, Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego member Dr. Constance Ahrons believes it is possible.

Dr. Ahrons works with those navigating through a divorce and its aftermath as coach, mediator and/or therapist. She is among the earliest champions of collaborative divorce. Constance Ahrons is a best-selling author of the books "The Good Divorce" and "We're Still Family," and co-author of the highly regarded book, "Divorced Families." An acclaimed speaker, she he has been featured on numerous national television interviews. Dr. Ahrons is deeply interested in the welfare of the entire family, particularly children, who are facing the challenges of divorce. If your divorce involves children, Dr. Ahrons suggests following these rules to help everyone cope and move forward in the healthiest way possible.

1. ACCEPT THAT ALL-OUT WAR IS NOT INEVITABLE.

In fact, it is destructive. Mediation and Collaborative Divorce are two choices that aim to reduce anger between divorcing spouses.

2. STAY IN CHARGE OF YOUR DIVORCE.

Remember, this is your divorce, not your lawyers.

3. SLOW DOWN THE PROCESS

Although adults often want to move on quickly, remember that children need time to adjust.

4. ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS, AND HAS A RIGHT TO BOTH PARENTS.

Even though you're angry with your spouse, remember your children's needs.

5. COOPERATE WITH YOUR EX FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN.

It's one of the best gifts you can give your kids. Ongoing conflict between parents increases children's distress.

6. DON'T BADMOUTH YOUR EX IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN

When you badmouth your ex to the kids you are telling your kids that the part of them that is like their other parent is bad too. It is bad for their self-esteem.

7. DIVORCE IS NOT THE END OF THE FAMILY

It's important to your children's well-being for them to feel like they still have a family. Help them to understand that the divorce means that they are now a dual-household family.

8. RECOGNIZE THAT COMPROMISE IS ALWAYS NECESSARY

This is key to helping to reduce your anger.

9. LET YOURSELF FACE AND GRIEVE YOUR LOSSES

One of the big losses is the loss of future dreams. Just beneath your anger is sadness over the losses of those special things you might have hoped for in your future.

10. LET THE ANGER GO-AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

Holding on to hostility and anger is self-destructive. It keeps you stuck in the past and keeps you from finding new joys in life.

We Did Our Divorce Ourselves...

What Could Possibly Have Gone Wrong?!

By Don Sinkov

Recently a prospective client called and asked for some advice. She was wondering if her agreement needed to be modified. And could I help her?

She had been divorced for several years and her ex-husband had recently passed away. She was wondering if she was still the beneficiary of his pension and therefore upon his passing, could she receive all of the survivor/spouse pension benefits? She spoke to someone in the HR Department at her ex- husband's company, who told her that since her divorce she wasn't the spouse anymore and although she was once listed on the designation of beneficiary form as beneficiary, the company didn't recognize that, because since the divorce, she was no longer a spouse.

I asked her if she had a copy of the divorce decree and what does the separation agreement say.

She said, "We didn't write a separation agreement. We didn't want to spend the money on mediating this or hiring an attorney to draft the agreement so we just did it ourselves."

"What did you agree to?" I asked.

Her reply was, "Well I really don't remember. I don't know if I even have my copy of the agreement any more. Since my husband passed away, I can't get a copy from him."

I told her to get a copy of the divorce decree from the court and see what the judge ordered, because the settlement agreement will be incorporated into the divorce decree.

She said, "But we didn't write a settlement agreement."

And I asked, "Why didn't you have somebody draft an agreement for you?"

Her comment was, "We wanted to save the money. I just thought I would stay as the beneficiary of his pension."

Today, when we draft agreements, we specifically craft language that addresses if you want to continue to keep the former spouse as the beneficiary post-divorce. Unfortunately, the prospective client and her husband did not do that.

So for those out there who are thinking about doing your own divorce

Don't do it! Now you know why!

Effective and affordable, South Bay Mediation assists families throughout the Los Angeles area. Having been through the painful processes of litigation and divorce, I know how damaging legal battles can be. I also have experienced the power of mediation to create solutions that maintain everyone's dignity while working through painful conflicts and allowing all parties to get on with their lives.

A workable agreement is always possible, even in the midst of anger and resentment. Contact us for a free consultaion.

Call (866) 405-2219 or go to our website www.southbaymediation.org

Sincerely,

Eric Piety
South Bay Mediation

Special Services

Veteran Family Program

Divorce Services for

Los Angeles Area Vets

South Bay Mediation in Torrance, is offering 2 hours of divorce mediation services at no cost to military personnel, veterans and their spouses. Because mediation reduces the stress and expense of divorce for all involved, this service to military personnel is South Bay Mediation's way of giving back to those who have served.

Military families, like all others, face the difficulties of maintaining a marriage in our modern world and in the midst of a suffering economy and high unemployment. In addition, military families must cope with the daunting stresses that deployment and long periods of separation have on a marriage. As proud as we are of our military families and the resilience they demonstrate, marital dissolution is a reality that cannot always be avoided. South Bay Mediation wishes to share its expert skills in order to ease the burden for those who have decided divorce is their only option.

To learn more about the Veteran Family Program, or any of the services offered at South Bay Mediation, contact:

Eric Piety

South Bay Mediation

866-405-2219