Solutions - FSEAP

           February 2014      
image of a key in a heart
Being Single
It's Valentine's Day and the sides of city buses are plastered with images of blissful couples, spoon-feeding one another, gazing into one another's eyes, radiating happiness, satisfaction, and success. Remember the television ad last winter for the mid-winter getaway to the romantic tropical retreat? That was a couple strolling the beach. Maybe you are over-due in responding to your cousin's wedding invitation because you can't find a date. Let's face it, it is still a couples' world, right?
Despite how it appears, the face of coupledom is changing.
Marriage rates have been in the decline in Canada since 1970. People are marrying later and many are choosing not to marry at all. The Vanier Institute of the Family (Ottawa)* said in a recent report that first time brides are on average 28.5 years of age while first time grooms are on average 30.6 years old. Ask someone in their twenties about their goals, and they are far more likely to mention life-experience, education and a clear career path than they are to mention marriage.
The next decade is not necessarily a "couple's world" either. While cohabitation is a popular alternative to traditional marriage, many thirty-somethings report that remaining single is preferable to finding themselves in a committed relationship. Mid-life is increasingly a "single-stage" for many Canadians. Over 50% of marriages will end in divorce, the average age occurring in the early 40's. During the later decades of life, there are many people who experience partner loss and go on to face years of life on their own.
Now more than ever, most people will experience some significant period of being single.
The art of living well is likely not different for singles or couples. People thrive, single or not, when they feel they are contributing, when they have rich and meaningful relationships with others, when they have some degree of autonomy, and when they live with an appreciation for the good that is currently in their life.
While being single is not always a choice, there are advantages to the single life-style:
  1. The opportunity to focus on personal development and growth. Perhaps you have dreamt of learning to paint or joining a team sport. Maybe you wish to explore your spirituality or volunteer your time for a worthy cause. Whatever your goal, you have more time in your life now to pursue it. 
  2. The opportunity to create a rich network of friendships and social contacts. Being single allows you to invest and benefit from a diversity of relationships.
  3. The opportunity to pursue work-related goals. Some career paths require long hours, exceptional focus and perseverance, even travel or frequent moves. You are able to give yourself over to your goals without taking away from another person. 
  4. Autonomy and freedom of choice. Whether it is related to choosing a vacation destination or deciding how to manage your finances, being single means that you are less likely to have to compromise.
  5. The opportunity to date. You may enjoy the excitement, mystery and fun, often present in the early stage of relationship-building. This is your chance to experience these without the pressures of expectation or obligation.
  6. The opportunity to commit more deeply to care giving in relationships with children or aging parents.
There are challenges to being single.
  1. While you may have already come to recognize some of the advantages to being single, many around you, including colleagues, friends and family, might not share your view. Couples are often more comfortable including friends with partners in their social life. Single people often experience others trying to "fix" their lives by finding a Mister or Missus Right. The implication is that single lives are missing something essential, or worse, that singles are defective because they do not have a relationship.  The desire to match-make, while well intended, represents a problematic societal bias: that we need a relationship for acceptance, for status, for success. 
  2. Being unattached sometimes reflects a personal preference, either for the short-term or for the long-term, but often, the loss of a relationship precedes a period of being single. Finding yourself suddenly single can be emotionally painful and, in many cases, involves a grieving process that can take months or even years. 
  3. Having adequate companionship often requires ongoing conscious attention.
  4. Living expenses, parenting responsibilities and household tasks can be the sole responsibility of a person who is single.
Being in a relationship is a choice.
Many singles hope to find themselves a partner and today, the options for dating are numerous. Whether it is through the Internet, a dating service, speed dating, phone dating, excursions or activities intended for singles, the important element is to try and be yourself. Go into the process with a realistic expectation. Many contacts are likely before you meet that someone you wish to build a relationship with. Be clear about your core values, what is most important to you, what your priorities are and what satisfies you as an individual. Although not everyone you meet will be an appropriate partner for you, he or she might be interested in building a friendship and one can never have too many friends. Dating means entering into unknown territory and it is important to always remain safe and to maintain a high degree of respect for yourself as well as for others. Pace yourself, and don't jump in too fast.
Remember that the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side of the street. Don't settle for a relationship just for the sake of being in one. After all, being single does have its advantages!
This article includes excerpts from: Families Count - Profiling Canada's Families IV, Vanier Institute for the Family 2010.
FSEAP offers confidential professional assistance on a wide variety of personal and work-related issues. For more information on your EAP, call 1.800.668.9920 or visit your MyEAP Web site at www.myfseap.com.
 
*Clicking on this link will open a new window and take you to a Web site that is not affiliated with myfseap.com or Family Services Employee Assistance Programs. Links to other sites of interest are provided here as a service to you, however, we can make no claim as to the accuracy or validity of any information contained on these sites. As always, speak with a counsellor or physician for advice that is specific to you and your situation.
This newsletter is to provide timely information to readers; contents are not intended as advice to individual problems. Please contact your EAP professional for assistance. Editorial material is to be used at your discretion and does not necessarily imply endorsement by Family Services Employee Assistance Programs.
All articles © Family Services Employee Assistance Programs (FSEAP), except where noted otherwise. Please note that the posting of the Solutions newsletters or any articles in whole or part on any public Web site is prohibited. Customers and clients of FSEAP can access an online archive of current and back issues: log on to www.myfseap.com using your assigned Group Name and Password and select Solutions Newsletter from the MyHealth menu. To request permission to reprint specific Solutions articles, contact FSEAP at info@fseap.com.

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