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December 2013

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Greetings!

 

What is Your Life Rooted In? Overcoming the "Compare/Despair" Syndrome!

 

Themes erupt in my life on a regular basis, and this month was no different.  This month I became obsessed with roots, of trees, to be exact. Charlie and I went to Puerto Rico and stumbled upon the Pterocautus tree. (see picture below) They call them chicken trees because the roots look like chicken legs. We became obsessed with one in particularly that stood majestically on our way from the condo to the entrance.  
 
I was fascinated by the thickness of the roots and if you look at it enough, it could magically turn into many different characters and creatures, but most importantly, it made me think about the rich metaphor of the roots directly relating to our own life. 

To which I ask myself, What my life is rooted in? 
 
So I ask you now:
 
"What is your life rooted in?" 
Is it rooted in doing work that you find fulfilling and joyful, and that  makes a difference for yourself and others? 
Is it rooted in deep important relationships? 
Is it rooted in running around trying to "prove" yourself so you can get to this illusive success only to find it exhausting and not quite as meaningful as you thought? 
 
Or is it rooted in always comparing yourself to others, and guess who loses in that conversation? 
 
I noticed the recurring theme in my practice as well, this month, with several clients of mine sharing some "compare and despair" moments with me, and believe me, I solely relate, as it's definitely an ongoing soul lesson for me as well. 
 
We know it's a toxic unhealthy pattern. We know the impact is constant frustration, a huge hit to our own sense of self, and that sacred being who we are doesn't get celebrated
when we are so focused on another's path.
 
So as the year draws to a close, and between the merriment of the holidays or whatever other feelings come up for you around this time of the year, I encourage you to ask yourself, 
 
"What is my life rooted in?" and breathe. Ask again. Breathe. And then ask yourself, "Does that light me up?" 
Breathe. Listen to the answer. No answer? No worries, take a shower and do something else and when you're waiting for the M10 bus it will pop up. All answers are welcome opportunities. If you don't like your response, i.e. rushing around, trying to chase after my life, fear and worry, great news is... "You get to shift it!" 

If you do like the response, Terrific! keep on that path. 
 
So while I'm a huge follower of end of year review and celebration, I encourage you to ask yourself, "What is your life rooted in?" or "What was this year of my life rooted in?" and see what pops up. All good, and you get to choose.
 
End of Year Bonus
As a bonus, since this is my last newsletter of the year, here's an easy to follow process for those of us who struggle with the "Compare and Despair" mode (I know I certainly do from time to time) because holidays definitely bring up alot of Compare and Despair.
 
1) Feel rather think the trigger- Often when we go into "Compare and despair mode" we go straight to our story making mind that goes to town, "Why can't I have that?" "I'm not blah blah blah enough?"

Instead of going into the story which will get you nowhere. STOP. CLOSE YOUR EYES. BREATHE. DEEPLY. You always have time to get back to center. Your body is your greatest resource. Where do you feel it? How does it show up? Racing heart? Thick ball in your stomach? Wherever it is be with it, and get interested in it. 
 
2) Bring in your best friend self- Imagine a magical being who is all about love and support, it could be your actual BFF, or it could be a parent, a mentor, or Glenda, the Good Witch, don't make it complicated. Feel the embodiment of that being coming from the energy of compassion, love and honesty and going right into that tight contracted space. 
 
3) Put yourself into the picture- Most of our hurts and feelings of not measuring up come from early in our lives, so see yourself at a certain age, maybe when you first remembered feeling not enough.For me, it was kindergarten when three girls, Maxine, Amy, and Allison, wouldn't let me play with them in their toy kitchen. What is your moment?
 
4) Love fest moment- See your BFF looking your young injured self into the eye and just acknowledging your feelings. Usually a simple, "I'm so sorry you had your feelings hurt? That wasn't fair at all." From there, see your younger self, really taking it in, and asking her, "How can I comfort you?" and just listening to the response.
 
5) Breathe.
 
6) En-spiration Mode- I talk alot about how envy is a very important emotion, because it serves as a roadmap for what you are craving in your life. But just like unprocessed petroleum, that is extracted out of the ground, if it remains there, it is toxic and useless. But if it is refined it allows you to use it in a very important way. So now that you have processed the hurt around "not enoughness" because most compare and despair comes from not trusting our own path and ultimately that we are enough, realistically look at what you envy that person for having, and go for the perceived feelings that you believe (not always the case) that having those things brings with it.
 
For example, if you're business is limping along and someone you are "en-spired" by, is way further along, what is the feeling behind what that person has, do you crave? For example, it could be financial abundance, or security, or maybe they are really famous and you crave recognition. When you process and peel away the layers, then you can get to work in your own life, how to perceive those core values and desires that are truly important to you. 
 
7) Identify 3 specific easy action steps- I'm a big fan of Insights + Implementation = Incredible Results. Come away with three specific and tangible actions to take. It may be reaching out to three perspective clients, or writing three entries towards that book that you are craving to write. DO THEM. Celebrate the actions taken. 
 
When you're rooted in your own path, you are less likely to get taken out by the "Compare and Despair" mode. 
 
I remember an amazing interview with Jerry Seinfeld, where a fly by night, icon of the month, comedian who was selling out Madison Square Garden, was reaming Seinfeld for his banal and simplistic humor, to which 50,000 of his followers where cheering him on. It made headlines. 

They asked Jerry how he felt about it, and for a comment, hoping for clever barb or some fodder for the press. Instead in the interview, they said he just shrugged his shoulder and said, (am paraphrasing)  "I'm so busy with my path, I don't have time to focus on anyone else's path." 
 
That was several years before he sealed the deal for his TV show, "Seinfeld."
 
We know how that story ended. 
 
The power of staying on our own path is transformative. 
 
Craving some support on clarifying your own path, right now? Give me a call 212-682-5225 or e-mail me at [email protected] and let's set up a complementary 30-minute coaching session, to see if we're a fit.
 
Life's too short. Live it powerfully and playfully.

 

Thank you all!

 

Lois Barth

www.LoisBarth.org