You know how life will be just doing its thing, sailing along and then: WHAM! Out of nowhere comes a curve ball and there you are. You now have what clinicians call a
Grief and Loss issue. You are one of "The Bereaved." You feel like walking open heart surgery, and you didn't see it coming. This was how I started my New Year, or to be precise, January 4th of this year. For those of you who are not animal lovers, you may think this a tad dramatic, but for those of you who include your fuzzy children as true family members, you will understand. Grief occurs for many different reasons, including the loss of a beloved pet.
Briefly, my 12 year old dog, Hannibal, (yes, I know) had been dealing with a fussy appetite for a few weeks and had begun to lose strength in his back legs. He was a Newfoundland-Retriever mix, over 60 lbs. and he was a big, beautiful boy. On the day he had an appointment with our veterinarian, he took a sudden turn and died before we could get him to the clinic.
Devastating. I have loved him and felt his companionship for the past 12 years and now he's gone... I was a disorganized wreck that day and the day after, but something came to me on the third morning as I awoke to fresh tears and misery: "Use my training as a therapist to help myself as I would my clients." I decided that I needed to take some control and process my grief appropriately and that in this way, maybe I could find a silver lining of sorts. I knew I was scheduled to write an article this month (so a topic change was necessary). Possibly sharing my loss and writing about mourning tasks as a way of processing grief could be helpful to others. It would also be a way for me to pay a tribute to my sweet, loving Hannibal - my baby and best fuzzy friend.
Is mourning necessary? Absolutely! It helps one adjust to their loss. Four stages of mourning are defined as numbness, yearning, disorganization & despair and finally reorganized behavior (Parkes, et. al.). To actively work through mourning, there is a method comprised of four tasks which are as follows:
~ Accept the reality of your loss. It is normal to have a sense of disbelief even if death was 'expected'. You must accept your loved one is really gone. Denial is a common hindrance and can vary in degrees between mild and severe. An example of mild denial might be slight distortion where a person might think someone who looks like their loved one is, indeed, the deceased. An example of severe denial might be a more bizarre case where a person keeps the deceased's body a la Norman Bates. Denial can also come in the form of shielding emotions - downplaying the importance of the role their loved one held in their life and/or disposing of tangible reminders that would bring them face to face with the reality that they are gone.
~ Work through pain and grief. Acknowledge and process it or it will manifest in other ways which can be unhealthy. Physical symptoms or aberrant behavior may be alternative routes grief takes if not dealt with adequately. Those who try to avoid grief usually end up having some form of depression. Society tends to be uneasy with grief - sending the message to the bereaved: "we all have problems - suck it up, Buttercup!" When asked the question, "How are you?" how often have you responded, "Fine, how are you?" with a fake smile just to be pleasant even though you feel like your world is falling apart? Due to tendencies for some people to minimize their discomfort for the public so they can "save face", they often miss the importance of being able to acknowledge and process their pain when it is truly necessary. Not to say that one needs to share every emotional detail to everyone they encounter, but an awareness is necessary that appropriate grief processing is critical.
~ Adjust to the environment in which the loved one is missing. Your loved one may have played specific roles in your life that you may have to either develop new skills for or re-assign. Perhaps your loved one was cherished simply for bringing a special sweetness to your life as no other can. Death can cause the bereaved to have issues with their own self-identity as they adjust to their world without their loved one. Changes they may face might incur challenges they never thought they would have to do, as when a spouse dies, for example. A person's entire worldview can also be affected. Fundamental values and philosophical beliefs can feel off-kilter. The bereaved may feel their life-path has shifted and spun out of control, which is more often the case when death is unexpected. "It is not how to find an answer but how to live without one" (quote from a mother whose son died in 1988, Pan Am flight 103).
~ Emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life. It is important to find the balance of being able to gradually hold your loved one in a more appropriate place in your life while going on with your life. It is helpful to know that while not the same, there are others to love. This allows you to think of your loved one with less pain, be less consumed by their loss and not feel as though this means you love them less for doing so.
Therapists have many methods to help clients tap into their feelings and utilize their strengths. Methods may include journaling, letter writing, cognitive restructuring, etc. While grief needs to be experienced until it no longer does, a person can do things to allow them to feel less helpless.
There will be those moments when your emotions seem like they are betraying you and you simply cannot keep them in check. It's okay. It happens. It will happen less as time goes on, however. In the meantime, think about how blessed you were to have had your special loved one in your life for the time that you did - and thank them.
Thank you, sweet Hannibal. I will always love you.