Forgiveness II
by Eric Nordquist, MA, LPC, NCC
This is Part II of the article written
on the topic of Forgiveness
from April 2014
We all get hurt and offended by others in the course of living life - it can be small (a careless comment) or very large (being taken advantage of by family, betrayal by a friend, etc.). An important skill in any longer term relationship is the ability to move past an offense. In essence, the process of moving past a wrong done toward us involves some type of letting go or forgiveness.
To forgive means to let the offender "off the hook" for a wrong that occurred. Although we may feel the offender does not "deserve it", we actually forgive for ourselves, the one who was hurt or offended. Sometimes in our anger and hurt, not forgiving seems like the only thing which can right the wrong. In a strange way, this will keep us chained to the wrongdoer until we let them free. Forgiveness is a process that unties us from the past.
The question of HOW can we forgive sometimes becomes a complicated one, especially when it runs deep or has been there for a long period of time. Here are some suggestions that may be helpful:
Realize we're not perfect either. We have all said or done things which were mean, thoughtless or impulsive. Keeping the focus on my own wrongs can keep someone else's in better perspective.
Develop some compassion for the offender. If you understand the other person's background, perspective, or emotional condition at the time, his or her behavior may make more sense.
Talk to an understanding person, but check your motives. Gossip or tarnishing someone else's reputation won't help you to forgive. It might be best to talk with someone who does not know the offender.
Journal or write about the offense and pronounce forgiveness at the end. Sometimes declaring the process as done and over in a ritual can help. After finishing the writing, tear the paper up, bury the journal entry in the ground, or perform some similar ritual can sometimes make it seem more final or complete.
Make a DECISION to let the offense go. Don't dwell or rehearse an offense. Sometimes forgiveness is a daily decision we make to no longer think about the problem. Let go of the need to "get even." Mentally imagine posting a "No Fishing" sign over the offense once you have finished the process.
Consider talking with the person who offended you. It may seem hard to believe, but they may not even know they offended you. Weigh the consequences carefully and see if this action makes sense; if it is likely to cause harm or further damage, this option may not be not advisable.
Remember, forgiveness is often a process and can take months or even years especially in the case of a very serious offense. Give yourself time to come to terms with the offense and remember progress is often gradual.
If you cannot make progress or it seems to be worsening after the passage of time, a trusted professional can be a valuable resource. Call Perspectives at 248-244-8644