A Tear in the Tapestry
Grieving the Death of a Loved One
by LaTanya A. Carter, Ph.D., L.P.
Grief is a natural response to the death of a loved one and a necessary process for recovering from that loss. The people in our lives each play a unique role in our understanding of our world. Everything comes together in our minds like a carefully woven tapestry. Death creates a tear in that tapestry. It disrupts our understanding of our world, and our minds are forced to try to mend the tear. The grieving process is initiated to help us accept the loss and integrate it into a revised way of understanding and relating to our world.
The Grieving Process
Grief is a unique experience; no two people grieve in the same way. However, there are some common features of the grieving process that most people do experience[1]:
- Shock and disbelief
- Spontaneous emotional reactions
- Depression and loneliness
- Physical distress
- Worry and panic
- Guilt
- Anger and resentment
- Resistance to returning to daily routine
- Return of hope
- Integration of the loss
People often move through this process in stages and may find it difficult to move past one area of grief into the next. Until those problems are resolved, it will be difficult to reach a point of having hope again and integrating the loss into our lives.
Treatment for Grief
Grief is natural and necessary; however, for various reasons, some people may need more help through the grieving processing than others. It is especially recommended that you seek professional help for your grief if any of the following apply:
- If your grieving interferes with your relationships or daily responsibilities.
- If you feel stuck and unable to move forward in the grieving process.
- If you have been avoiding dealing with the loss.
- If you are using unhealthy methods to cope with your grief (e.g., substance abuse, isolation and withdrawal, self-injury, etc.).
- If you have limited social support for assistance during the grieving process.
- If you have been in the grieving process for more than three months and have made little progress or have experienced negative consequences as a result.
Just like with a tapestry, if you have a rip in the fabric, you can repair it, but the tapestry will never look the same. It has been permanently altered because of the tear. Similarly, when we lose a loved one, our worlds are permanently altered.
However, we can repair the tear in our tapestry; we can heal from the loss. That is the goal of the grieving process - healing. It is not to "get over" the loss; it is to live our lives in a healthy manner in spite of it.
There should be a point during the grieving process when mourning turns to celebration. When we can smile as we reflect on happy memories of our loved one. That is when we know we have reached a turning point in the grieving process and are well on our way to mending the tear in our tapestry.
[1] Taken from the book Good Grief by Granger Westberg.
If you or someone you know suffers from grief and would like to speak to Dr. Carter or one of our qualified therapists, please call
Perspectives Counseling Centers
at
248-244-8644.
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