We've all been there:  the store, the school, in church, at grandma's house.  What seems routine turns into chaos when your child doesn't get their way.  You know it's coming-whether they are 3, 8, or 12-you know you're in for the dreaded temper tantrum or outburst.  Sure it looks different depending on their age, but for the adult, it feels the same.  You're angry, they're angry, and no one is feeling good about it.  Let's talk a little bit about anger.  

What exactly is anger?  Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure (Merriam-Webster, Online).  Anger goes deeper than that.  Anger is a signal that we feel something is wrong.  It may be that we feel wronged or someone we care about has been wronged, or something we care about has been wronged.  Anger is such a strong and powerful emotion.  It is filled with so many other emotions (i.e. sadness, frustration, embarrassment, hurt, disappointment, anxiety).  Regardless, anger is nature's way of helping ourselves and our perceived vulnerabilities.  Anger is a natural and normal emotion.  It is also a very powerful emotion.  As a result, our behavior (both children and adults) anger may get out of control and become problematic.

When does anger become a problem?  Anger comes with what I like to refer to as the Incredible Hulk Complex.  We don't turn green and quadruple in size but we feel like we have.  This is when the anger takes over.  We feel bigger, stronger, faster, and we have more courage.  We will say things and do things that we just wouldn't do without that anger running through us.  At this point, we've lost control and are willing to say and do almost anything to (1) satisfy the anger and (2) defend ourselves from any real or perceived wrong doings.  Children lack the coping skills necessary to resist tantrums and parents/adults often forget use them.   

What to do about anger?  Here are some strategies that both you and your child can utilize: 

• Disengage physically.  Walk away, take a walk, go to your room. 
• Disengage mentally.  Take deep breaths, recall a pleasant scene, listen to music.
• Lighten the situation.   Change the subject, use humor [as appropriate], gather information, offer acceptable solutions.
• Empower yourself.  Utilize positive affirmations "I can do this", plan ahead to prevent the problem, learn from the experience, respond, don't react
• Join the other person.  Understand their perspective, actively listen, use positive body language, acknowledge your role in the situation, validate. 
• DON'T give unwanted advice.  Don't interrupt, defend yourself, react blindly, and/or jump to conclusions. 

These strategies can help us to remain calm and in control so we can manage difficult situations. They can be utilized independently or can be combined.  Find the strategy that is appropriate and works best in each situation.  Remember, no matter how hard we try, some tantrums and outbursts are just going to happen.  When they do, be present, validate, and provide consequences when necessary.  

  

Joe Lilly, LMSW is a therapist at Perspectives' Troy Location. 

 He leads the Self-Control/Anger group for children.  Joe works with children, adolescents, and families in problem areas associated with Adjustment Disorders, anger, Anxiety, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), divorce, grief and loss, Mood Disorders, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and self-esteem.

 

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