I've met many caring people who routinely stand up for and try to protect those they love.  Unfortunately, these same crusaders for the rights of others, sometimes stumble when it comes to advocating for their own needs.  They will explain that they have trouble saying "No" to loved ones.  I often hear these clients say things like: "I give and give - but no one gives back to me. I feel taken for granted."  Or, "People seem to walk all over me."  These clients are surprised when I suggest that they might benefit from assertiveness skills training.

Assertive communication involves clearly expressing one's feelings in a respectful manner and standing up for one's rights and needs, without violating the rights of others.  Assertive communication can be contrasted with aggressive communication which tends to be disrespectful and violates the rights of others (e.g., criticizing; blaming; frequent interrupting; using "you" statements; hostile nonverbal communication - eye rolling, aggressive tone of voice; etc.).  People who utilize passive communication avoid expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying their needs.  Passive individuals do not respond directly to hurtful or anger-inducing situations.  Rather, they allow frustration and resentment to build - and then may be prone to explosive outbursts which seem out of proportion to the triggering event.  Passive-aggressive communication appears passive on the surface, but the person is really acting out anger in subtle or indirect ways (e.g., smile when they are angry; use sarcasm; deny there is a problem; appear cooperative while purposely doing things to annoy or disrupt; or use subtle sabotage to get even).

Assertive communication is important because unaddressed relationship problems can lead to dissatisfaction and resentment - and lingering resentment can destroy positive, loving feelings.  There are many reasons why people might find it challenging to communicate in an assertive manner.  People with low self-esteem may not view their needs or rights as important as those of others.  Some individuals have difficulty coping with conflict and will do all they can to avoid situations that might lead to disagreement.  Still others fear that if they are assertive, it might cause others to dislike them or to become angry with them.  (If this were to happen, it is a red flag - suggesting more about the friend or partner than it does about the person who is communicating in a respectful, assertive way).  Finally, some people are led astray by their understanding hearts.  These individuals will excuse the hurtful behavior of others because they believe they understand the cause (e.g., "He was cranky and said those hurtful things because he hasn't been feeling well and didn't get enough sleep last night.").  While it is helpful to understand what led to the thoughtless or disrespectful behavior, it is important to keep in mind that there is NO EXCUSE for treating others poorly.  People are responsible for their behavior (e.g., I can be angry and choose to express my anger constructively rather than name-calling or acting out my anger in a hurtful manner). 

Despite the benefits of doing so, many people shudder at the thought of confronting interpersonal problems head-on.  This may be because some people have misperceptions about "confrontation."  Unfortunately, the word "confrontation" tends to be viewed negatively - and brings to mind images of aggressive communication and conflict.  In reality, healthy confrontation involves positive, constructive communication which leads to greater intimacy, understanding, and trust. 

 
If you are interested in learning assertiveness skills in order to build greater intimacy in your friendships or romantic partnerships, contact NHPA. 

Christine Rosignoli, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist