Oops, there goes my hair -
by Jocelyn Mackin

Last week, with the encouragement of my dear friend and Lost Borders guide Scott Eberle, I went on a Day long vision hike with my 3 children.  Scott had set up instructions for us.  We started out at dawn, hiked up into Annadel State Park where several paths diverge.  There we stated our intentions for the day and set off on our own, to meet back at 2PM and head down to Scott's house in Petaluma to "story-tell" our day.  The day for me was coming to full acceptance of letting go "life as I knew it" to fully embracing this strange land of the unknown.

 


 Clearly, the most symbolic thing representing my "old life" was my hair that I was told will disappear about 3 weeks from now.  There, on the trails through Annadel I struggled with letting go of my hair, the chosen symbol of my life. The build up of grieve was palpable. Waves of anger, then denial, then profound sadness and tears, but then gradually acceptance began peaking through.  I waited for the right time, and with great kindness, lovingly cut off those braids

 



 What I felt was RELIEF!! I felt free and actually happy.  There had been such suffering, clinging to the old, not accepting what was obviously before me.  Now I could begin, I had a part in creating this path making the choice to let go of my hair myself.  


 

Now it was time to turn to what was ahead and embrace this new path.  I had brought with me an old death mask I had formed to my face over 10 years ago that I never decorated. 

 


I painted and pasted hearts and pretty things, including lipstick to remind myself that hair isn't the only beauty available (hey, not that my particular hair was all that great!)  But I felt a deep happiness, much like the happiness I have felt in deep meditation during retreats and that has nothing to do with external events.  An inside job.

 

 The four of us met back at 2PM we had a bite to eat, all exhausted from the day, then headed down to Scott's. The gift of Scott being able to mirror back each of our stories and how they interweaved to form a healing circle and partners in this journey was beyond words.


 In those two hours of sharing our stories, listening deeply to each other, my children and I bonded in a way that was, for me,  quite profound.  We gained strength from each other and I can honestly say we are all ready.

 

So, that's the short of it.  Tomorrow is the first of four (hopefully only four) chemo treatments.  I have embraced Chemo as my friend and it is what will ultimately give me life.  It is strong medicine but it does work and is the path to wellness.  I am hoping to meet each moment with kindness and with patience, knowing the medicine is doing its job even if it doesn't feel like it.


 

Editor's note:  This article was submitted to us in February.  Since thenJocelyn has successfully completed her chemo therapy treatments.  To read more about her journey go to her blog:  www.oopstheregoesmyhair.blogspot.com