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October Fun - How Scary is Your Resume?
by Michelle A. Riklan, ACRW, CPRW, CEIC
I repeat myself in saying that a resume is a marketing tool and you are the product. In the current market, you have about 6 seconds to impress your reader and stay out of the wastebasket! So for Halloween fun, let's take a look some scary excerpts from real resumes. These resumes certainly made an impression on the reader, but after being passed around the office for a good laugh, they most likely ended up in the trash can.
These were taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.
"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs.. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
"My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"Reason for leaving my last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under thos conditions."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
These will haunt me all month long! Happy trick-or treating!
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Most Americans will spend 90,000 hours on the job. Find the right match between you and the company you work for and that time will fly by. Stumble into the wrong match and you'll start thinking about your job as a sentence. This article offers a way for you to find the standout companies and avoid the also rans.
