Mark Bibbins

Pat Robertson Transubstantiation Engines

NO. 1

First I was fellating an African despot

for his diamonds, next I was paying

a hooker to give me back 

my teeth. You think I'm kidding 

about the diamonds; I was looking

also for some gold. I almost 

sound cute,

right, like a steamed wiener

shoved in a top-slit Wonder bun. 

I unload a mouthful 

of warm root beer

down the back of your neck 

and tell you it's Jesus weeping 

sweet brown tears of shame. Aim

your gutter  

this way and give some back to me.

NO. 2

Well it turns out I'm totally activated 

by donations. All you have

to say is the magic word,

ISRAEL! and everyone goes crazy.

If we didn't abuse the Bible 

it would cease to exist. O heavenly 

flogger you should be watching me 

on cable right now. 

These clouds 

are looking like trouble, in these clouds 

I'm looking for trouble.

See there, in the clouds, boiling 

like a syphilitic 

oatmeal snowman, that's my face.

NO. 3

We will serve you if you will get us free

from the French. Then I'll rest 

a moment and thank

myself for all 

the shit I've chewed

off my own shoe.

I asked: you gave: I snatched

candy from the collection plate and replaced

it with a baby. 

My shtick's like a turkey 

stuffed full of Kleenex, my feelings

fuzzy as the mold

on the host my licks turn green.   

O how the lord's light is good

as a fondle 

when I catch it for you 

in my gums.

Sometimes the little lady and I prefer 

to call my pecker The Wishbone.

I don't know who's luckier

but all my wishes 

work for me. 

NO. 4

Jimmy in jail and I don't care, 

Tammy crack up

and I don't care. Wait a sec, is it

the desert in here

or is my greased-up heart

all a-sputter like a skillet

at a Friday fish fry. Jesus sure 

would appreciate 

how I redeem things 

using like or as,  

even if my cue 

cards are crooked. Half the fun 

of end times

is always feeling full.

NO. 5

I don't have to be nice

to the spirit of the antichrist

but the sweet caul fat of Falwell 

melting on my tongue's

like a heavenly lozenge

in a blizzard of ash.  

Jerry, that's my feeling. It tastes like loot

in a wallet he sat on all day,

rich 

as a tobacco field in heaven.

Jerry, that's my feeling. We'll pray 

for some miners and their parent 

companies, which is where the real 

action is, if you know

what I mean. Jerry, 

that's my feeling. Jesus was all for share-

holder value, maximum 

returns, and when he comes back 

I'll chain him to a machine that turns 

water into oil.

NO. 6

Mac and cheese for Christmas 

dinner: Is that a black thing? Gosh,

the planet's weirder

every day I'm on it.

To me I would

punch vomit.

One day Jesus will hit us

like a ton of marijuana biscuits

but some of you won't be around

to see it because why did you 

build houses where 

tornadoes were apt to happen?

Sometimes I feel like 

a stopped clock, except 

one of us

is right twice a day.

I think we've just seen

the antechamber

to terror. 

Mmmmm. Open wide.