I've been deeply moved by the story of a group of student friends at Wilcox County High School in Georgia who are organizing their first racially integrated prom.  Moved -- and shocked -- because this is 2013, not the '60's or '70's; and moved, too, because the energy is coming directly from the kids, not their parents. 

If leading means anything, it means standing in an awkward or insecure (or even frightening) space and reaching out to others to build a connection -- for an important purpose.  When enough connectedness has been created, we call it a "community," a community that holds and exemplifies that purpose and becomes its own force.  In this case, that purpose is an integrated prom, but on a larger scale that purpose might embrace the deeper reasons behind an organized student body, what it means to be a town or a county, a great company or even a great country.

Finding and acting on the purpose, whether it's a sense of fundamental social equality, or something else such as the idea of a truly good place to live and work, requires a certain amount of faith, a certain amount of unwillingness to be bound by fear, a certain calling and vision.  If the kids at Wilcox County High School thought things were unchangeable, as many of us do about the work we do and the workplaces we inhabit, surely the "tradition" of separate proms would have continued, and something deeply pernicious and ingrained would also be sustained right along with it.

 

LEADERSHIP CONVERSATION

Jon Mertz Models What It Means to Connect

 

Jon Mertz is a deeply creative and reflective man who, like many of us, has gone through a series of different "lives." From working as a political appointee and campaigner in Washington, D.C (including one White House assignment), to marketing and business development for companies such as Deloitte and IBM, to his current assignment as Vice President of Marketing for Texas software firm, Corepoint Health, Jon has gained insight into the importance and fragile nature of life choices. As he says on his aptly named Thin Difference website:

 

"If you look real close at life sometimes, it seems we are dancing on a thin edge.  The direction we head may be quickly determined by our next step. While the edge may be thin, the difference is immense." 

 

It was his sensitive exploration of "life choices" and "inspired directions" that brought me to his blog, a writing exercise that he says offers a certain level of release and is a way for him to personally explore the kinship of choices, leadership and life. In a recent post on empathy, for example, he writes:

 

"Here's the metric for the weeks ahead.  Rather than talking about Klout or Kred or the number of hits on timelines or chats, let's publish the numbers of how many times we saw through someone's eyes and really understood what was on their minds and in their hearts. Let's record these real human connections in our mind, our soul...."

 

I encourage you to read the empathy post to get a sense of who Jon is before going further (he includes a fabulous video on empathy from the Cleveland Clinic).  You can also check out his website "about" pages, follow him on Twitter (@ThinDifference) or Google+ (+Jon Mertz). To get in touch with him directly, access his contact page.

 

Q. Jon, let's start with that blog post on empathy.  Where did that come from?

 

A. It helped me visualize some things I've been thinking about. Too often, we just pass by each other and don't know the things that are happening in one another's lives. In the workplace, there are individuals on our teams, people around us going through things we don't know about at all. As leaders we can get much better at noticing signs of stress and then taking the time to listen and understand what's going on. This isn't about prying, but enabling people to talk about what's happening with them -- if they want to. We can cultivate a more open ear and a more open heart. And we can learn from a leadership standpoint how to work best with that person. To do so, I believe, makes for a better workplace. In my view, empathy is what most strengthens a culture.

 

Q. So if you do notice someone else who is stressed, how do you approach it?  What do you do?

 

A. I think you ask a lot of open-ended questions that show you are willing to listen if the other person does want to talk. It's not about making judgmental inquiries or being too invasive. You just need to show you are tuned into the person while leaving them in charge of their own life. Then you work out what you need to do as partners - maybe the person just needs to take care of some personal matter that day and you need to figure out together how the work's going to get done while that's happening. In the long term, what you get from that partnership is a more dedicated colleague.

 

Q. I know some managers are very leery of such exchanges and requests. They worry about unfairness.

 

A. Mindset matters a great deal. If on either side a person comes to feel he or she has been taken advantage of, trust will be broken. So both people must be very careful about that potential. There's a balance between workplace needs and other issues, and the way to get through this sensitive stuff is by constant listening, communication and learning on all sides about how best to work with one another. That's what empathy in action and acting in good faith are all about.

 

Q. How do you help your colleagues develop their own empathic skills.

 

A.  Well, the number one way I can help others, say those who report to me, is through my own demonstration -- as they go through their own workplace changes and life challenges. I try to model putting aside all of distractions and then asking questions that matter, that help us move forward together. This has nothing to do with micro-managing; it's showing people that I care about them and are willing to work with them on their challenge, whether that stressor is a new, tough project, how to best frame a meeting, dealing with uncomfortable feedback, or some matter that extends beyond the confines of the workplace. I try to personally model basic skills such as repeating and paraphrasing to confirm understanding. I want to show that I truly heard the other person and have offered a full chance for them to express themselves. That naturally leads to clarity about next steps and a high level of mutual confidence in our communications.

 

Q. Does this work of building empathy and intervening with people have a greater social value than - say -- simply improving productivity, Jon?

 

A.  I believe it does. Part of me sees this empathy work as much larger than simply improving workplace communications. The bigger picture is creating a sense of real community. And, if we can help develop that sense of community within the workplace, then I believe we'll naturally want to take it out to the rest of the world around us. If I become sensitive to people at work, I may begin to wonder, for example, what's happening with the people in my own neighborhood. And that's very important in a world where so many things have changed. The dividing line between work and home is no longer clear-cut.  Dads and moms are not coming home at 5:00 PM. We may be connected electronically but that also means people are spending more time working.  Consequently, a sense of community really has to start within the workplace these days. We cannot make the assumption that fundamental care for others begins someplace else or we may end up as bystanders to real life.

 

Q. Taking this theme of connections and community to a different level, you mentioned to me your interest in generations and how they are also affecting workplace dynamics. How does that fit with your view of our connectedness?

 

A. There's been a great deal of commentary about different generations. Right now people are talking about the characteristics of Millennials, people in the 19-35 age bracket, just as there have been previous discussions and criticism of Gen X, the Baby Boomers, and the Silent Generation. What happens is that we end up putting people in boxes instead of simply sharing our experiences as individuals and learning from one another. If we share our experiences, we'll find it's a two-way street. No matter what group we belong to, we'll find commonalities.

 

Q. Are you saying that we should simply ignore generational differences?

 

No, I don't think we can do that. As a Baby Boomer, there are definitely things I want to offer to the conversation -- things learned over time. There are valuable lessons to pass on related to methodology and principle to those who have not been part of the workplace for as long; for example, helping others clarify their leadership principles and, especially, where they will and will not compromise. And on the other side of the coin, from the perspective of someone younger, there are things I need to hear about -- the desire for meaningful work, opportunities to speak up and collaborate, the need for play and freedom of choice. But the most important message - and challenge - is for all of us to get out of the stereotypes, such as this or that generation feels "entitled."  We need to bring people together, convene the conversation and then focus instead on our actual experiences. We'll get to where we need to be as a community, but not if we write people off.

 

Q. What role do you think reflection plays in the work of connecting people across generations?

 

 

 

MY LEADERSHIP BINDER

More Resources to Foster Reflective Learning

 

* Another Point of View.  Business advisor, Aad Boot, delineates "6 Contrarian Reasons Why You're Lucky to Be a Leader Today," a short piece that takes things from a different angle -- the advantages rather than obstacles of leading now.