Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor - C.R. Strahan
Living with 'unforgiveness' is like walking around with a heavy suitcase strapped to your chest. This suitcase is packed with rage, malice, depression, bitterness, anger, self-loath - negative emotions that drain an incredible amount of energy even when you don't think so! This suitcase carry's stuff that can destroy everything - unforgiveness destroys families, communities, marriages, relationships, our relationship with God, and our personal happiness - as well as making us vulnerable to disease.
Did you have forgiveness on your list of 'incomplete tasks from last week's exercise? Is unforgiveness one of the burdens you are carrying around? Are you struggling to forgive?
One of the reasons we struggle to forgive is because we think it is not deserved, and that to forgive suggests accepting or tolerating the offence that was committed against you.
But forgiveness is not necessarily deserved, and it doesn't mean that a transgression is tolerable. Forgiving someone is not for the benefit of that person; it is for the sake of YOU. You are the one that will suffer from unforgiveness and it is you that will benefit from the act of forgiveness. When you forgive, you release; and when you release, you progress.
But how do you forgive?
There are many ways, and no doubt what works for one person may not work for the other. Here are a few things to consider:
- Acknowledge that you are holding onto the hurt, then tell yourself you want to let go. You may do this in your head, or in writing, or by telling someone else.
- Let it out - write a letter to the person who hurt you. Say everything you want to say to them. Then burn it.
- Leave the responsibility of repentance to the person who hurt you. You are only in control of your own decision to forgive, or not to. Don't do it for them. Do it for you.
- If your 'unforgiveness' stems from something your parents or older people did when you were under their care, or when you were a minor, remember you are no longer one, and today you decide the course you want your life to take. Is carrying around the baggage of their misdeeds what you want to do for the rest of your life?
- Know that your past cannot change, but your future can. What will you choose?
Finally, reflect on these words quoted from Wm Paul Young:
"Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behaviour, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, and then one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely."