Over the last two weeks we have looked at what personal boundaries are and how you can begin to reinforce yours to ensure they are healthily flexible. This week , I talk about 10 things to consider as you develop and implement your 'boundaries change plan'
1. Having personal boundaries is OK. It doesn't mean you are selfish or unloving. It is both completely acceptable and absolutely necessary for healthy relationships.
2. How are you accepting situations that are unacceptable? Make a list of things that people may no longer do to you, say to you, or do around you. Decide how you need physical and emotional space.
3 Let the people involved in crossing your personal boundaries know how they have crossed your boundaries in the past, and ask them to respect and support your new boundaries.
4. The conversation about your new boundaries will feel uncomfortable and difficult, especially if you are a pleaser. There may be some defensiveness and push-back from those involved, but, if you are consistent about your new standards they'll get used to it over time. Some people in your life may fall away as a result of your outlook and demand for respect. But these aren't people you want in your life anyway. You will attract new, supportive, and healthy-minded people into your life.
5. It may take some time to train yourself and others around your new boundaries. Continue to reinforce them so that you are taken seriously and respected. Practice saying no when you are asked to do something you don't want to do. Create a plan for times when someone crosses your boundaries. Let them know what they are doing. Ask them to stop immediately. Walk away from any push-back or negative comments without acquiescing or getting angry.
6. Acknowledge and reward those who support and respect your personal boundaries. Thank them and let them know the positive impact it has had on your life. This will motivate them to continue their behavior.
7. Respecting boundaries goes two ways. Examine your own behavior and words to see where you might be crossing another person's boundaries. Work to change those behaviour so that you reflect the respect and support you want for yourself.
8. As described in a previous article, there's a difference between healthy (flexible) boundaries and rigid boundaries. You don't want to be a controlling or dictatorial person. The goal is a healthy relationship with those close to you, balanced by a sense of understanding, mutual support, and give-and-take.
9. If you have had soft, spongy or rigid personal boundaries for years, be aware that this change doesn't happen overnight. Disengaging from the emotions and beliefs that led you to that kind of boundaries requires practice, and maybe even the support of a counselor or coach. Begin to recognize and challenge the limiting beliefs that undermine your practice of setting boundaries.
10. Believe in yourself and your value as a unique individual who is worthy of love and respect. Trust your instincts and feelings about what you do and don't want in your life. No one knows better than you who you are and what you desire. Don't allow others to define that for you. This does not mean breaking rules and laws though.
Defining and implementing healthy personal boundaries in your life means diminishing fear significantly. You will feel more empowered and self-confident because you are communicating your self-worth to those around you. The more you practice holding fast to your boundaries, the more love, respect, and support you will find in your life. And the more you can continually grow into your plan of life.
