Last week we looked at what personal boundaries are, and shared a classification of different types of boundaries. We saw that healthy boundaries are flexible, meaning they allow you to decide what to let in and what to keep out. In these circumstances you are resistant to emotional contagion and manipulation, and you will not be easily exploited.
If your boundaries are, soft, spongy or rigid, you may find that you are not growing. In other words, you are stuck.
Want to build flexible boundaries?
The first thing to do is to identify ways in which your boundaries are compromised. Jane Collingwood writes about the 'Five Things' method.
- List five things you'd like people to stop doing around you, for example, criticizing absent colleagues, or making discriminatory remarks about others.
- List five things you want people to stop doing to you, for example, being rude or inconsiderate, or ignoring you
- List five things that people may no longer say to you, for example, "you always give up" or "you'll never get promoted"
Another thing you could do is to write down the ways in which an important person in your life leaves you feeling unhappy or hurt. Once you have clearly identified the issues, consider what the other person's motivation might be.
The next step is to decide how you would like the things you have identified from your previous exercise to be different. For example, if a person constantly reminds you of how you failed at something, you could determine that you would like them to support you instead. So your action could be that next time they remind you of that, you will ask them to help you succeed rather than keep reminding you of your failure.
A key behaviour to support flexible boundaries is to practice saying no to unreasonable requests, or to reasonable ones that nevertheless clash with your own plans.
Next week we will close this reflection on how porous boundaries keep you stuck by looking at 10 things you should consider when you set out to review your personal boundaries.
