Do you often feel guilty about not doing enough for your parents, spouse, siblings or friends? Do you feel responsible for making other people like your spouse, your children, and your boss - happy? Do you often share personal information with other people when it is none of their business? Do you feel uncomfortable making your own decisions in life? Do you often go along with the plans of others, even when you want to do something else? Do you  often feel you must defend the actions of your loved ones to other people? Do you do a lot of work for other people, but hate to ask anyone to do a favour for you? Do you feel bad about yourself as a result of believing what people say when they criticize you? Do you often think about mistakes you have made and feel bad about yourself?

 

If you have responded yes to most of these questions, then you may need to think about how to secure your personal boundaries.

 

Personal  boundaries are are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him - or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her. They also define how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.  For example, an interesting observation in cross cultural studies is what different cultures consider to be the acceptable physical distance between people when they talk, or when they greet each other. Similar studies suggest that there are differences in how the two genders view such distance between and among themselves.

 

• Soft - A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries, and is easily manipulated.

• Spongy - A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out.

• Rigid - A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to him/her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been physically, emotionally, psychologically or sexually abused. Rigid boundaries can be selective. Thismeans they may depend on time, place or circumstances and are often also based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.

• Flexible - Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional contagion and manipulation, and cannot be easily exploited.

If you are feeling stuck, look at what sort of boundaries you have. People with flexible (as defined above) boundaries are best placed to drive their own agenda and not leak positive energy.

 

I will continue this topic next week, with a reflection on how to change your boundaries.

 

 

 

   

After  surviving a life threatening condition, I began to reflect on the meaning of life, and sought to live more purposefully. This experience has helped shape my approach to coaching, where i bring my passion for helping people  pursue their vision for the life they really want.

I also works with  Sihanya Mentoring, a program whose main aim is to provide inspiration, career guidance, counseling and role modeling to pupils, students and other mentees in the country through a community of mentors. The vision is to help disadvantaged students develop the necessary skills, knowledge, attitudes and values (SKAVs) to excel.

 

I am an internationally  certified Life Coach as well as a member of theChartered Institute of Marketing (CIM). 

Contact me here