July 18, 2014

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I've been actively thinking about leadership since 2001, when three of us began planning the first NVC yearlong leadership program in North America (the first that I know of, at least). I've been learning, thinking, reading, writing, and teaching about leadership for all these years. Naturally, I never expected that after all this time I would have a sudden leap in experience and understanding about my own path to leadership. 

That's exactly what happened to me in the last few weeks.

Adriana Skura

I just wrote a blog piece about most of these experiences, titled Leadership, Separation, and Vulnerability. In addition, I am sharing here with you an exchange I recently had with Adriana, the person who's been my assistant for almost two years. I am choosing to do this (with her wholehearted support), because I believe it illustrates so fully one aspect of what it takes to shift into collaborative management.

A few days ago I received an email from her that included the following question: "I was wondering if I could take next Tuesday July 15th off. It's my Birthday and I would love to spend the day at Harbin with my partner."   

I imagine that some version of this kind of question is routinely directed by people to their managers. There is nothing unusual about it to my eye. It would have been a totally simple and easy step to just send an email back to her saying: "Sure, happy birthday." 

Yet, in this simple exchange the traditional, familiar structures of power are reaffirmed. Instead, I invited Adriana, in my reply, "to reframe the question so there is more power sharing." I offered her another version to try on instead: "I would love to take next Tuesday ...... Is there any reason you see why that might not work?" My reasoning was that this revised question "retains the power in both our hands rather than giving it to me." Then I responded to the proposed reframed question by saying: "I don't foresee any difficulty with this. Do you?"

I feel ecstatic, as a leader and manager, to have had the presence of mind to notice this when it happened, and to reach back to Adriana to invite her to speak with power. This, in turn, invited her to consider her choice more fully. As part of her response, she said this: "I feel slightly anxious about taking the time off because it creates a backlog of work. In the same time, taking my birthday off to do intent setting and contemplation has been a long standing ritual for me."

The way I understand this response is precisely that reframing the question allowed her to be part of making the decision with me - not on her own without consideration for the effect on me, and not giving it all to me. This is a way that we can partner and collaborate with each other even while I am in a position of authority and she is clearly in a support role.

Even when we truly want to function collaboratively and are deeply interested in

having fully empowered employees and supporters, it takes vigilance to catch these moments and transform them, because we are so deeply embedded within existing structures of power, within us and around us. 

These is a level of attention to detail that's indispensable here. It's not a devil. It's simply the legacy of millennia of people passing on to the next generation the same frame of reference about power that leaves it in the hands of a few to make decisions. I feel profoundly lucky to have a personal assistant who is, with me, committed to forging the new path through our daily practices.

Click here to read my blog about my recent breakthroughs with regards to leadership. If you want to read the celebrations and happenings since the last newsletter, click here.

If you are inspired to move in the direction of more collaboration, more integrity, and more effectiveness as a leader, and to learn and get support with how to create this transformation, one decision, one conversation, one email at a time, then I hope you will consider joining the Transforming the Workplace Mentoring Program. 

The first cycle is a bit over half way through, and the experience on the calls is nothing short of electrifying in moments. The next cycle begins August 25. More on this and much else below. 

In hope and peace,

Miki Kashtan

Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness 

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So far, over 1,000 copies of Miki's book, Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness: Transcending the Legacy of Separation in our Individual Lives, have been sold! It has been incredibly well-received by people all over the world. We'd love to have opportunities to read in local bookstores and at local events. If you live in the Bay Area or if Miki is coming to your hometown for a workshop, let us know if you have contacts or ideas for local events.  

And please continue spreading the word if you know anyone else that may benefit from this extraordinary work. 

Last month, Miki published her second book, and so far, we've sold over 300 copies! This one is much simpler, but with the same depth and richness that Miki always delivers. With grace, acuity, and humor, she has shared with thousands of people on five continents how to live, in every moment, from love, courage, and truth - the three hallmarks of nonviolence. This little book contains 200 concise, evocative distillations of her wisdom, illustrated with powerful and original images. It is an invitation to you to bring more courage to your life.