Victim thinking shows up in thoughts like:

"I have to __________."

"Why does this always happen to me?"

"Why are they doing this to me?"

"It's not fair."

Repetitively talking about the laundry list of wrongs others have done to us is another sign of victim thinking. When victim thinking becomes extreme, we may develop a victim mentality, a mild form of paranoia which causes us to perceive ourselves as being at the mercy of events and other people. Victim mentality is a dangerous mindset that needs to be recognized and transformed if we are to live an empowered life.

To be fair, we have all been a victim at some point and some of us have been more victimized than others. However, it is completely possible to have the experience of being a victim without taking on a victim identity.

"You are only a victim for a nanosecond"

This quote by Pia Mellody sums up the reality of victimization. Except in rare circumstances like unjust imprisonment or being held against your will, the experience of victimization lasts only a brief time. As soon as the boundary violation ends, so too does the state of being a victim. If we experience repetitive boundary violations in a particular relationship, we must choose how to protect ourselves in the future to avoid further victimization. If we don't protect ourselves, we are victims of our choice not to take action.

Being a victim is a state of mind, not a circumstance

After the actual event of being victimized, we are no longer a victim in the present moment. We were victimized but we are not a victim. Many people who are victimized, even in horrific ways, rise above their circumstances. They may have survived abuse or discrimination but they don't identify as a victim. Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi and Victor Frankl are all well-known examples of the reality that circumstances don't make someone a victim.

When you are free to choose your response, you are not a victim

If your partner is irresponsible about handling money and you choose to separate your money from his, this is a boundary and an act of protection. You may tell yourself that you're a victim because you "had to" make the boundary because of your partner's irresponsibility. This is not true. Among the many choices that could have been made, including doing nothing, you chose to separate the money. We cripple our ability to practice good self-care if we equate self-protection with being a victim.

Victim thinking is self-centered

When we are in a victim stance internally, we feel one-down, helpless and at the mercy of others. From this place we perceive ourselves as the target of unfortunate events and other people's bad behavior. We interpret random events as being about our exceptionally bad luck or that other people are out to get us. We become "terminally unique" in our outlook and may even become paranoid.

The habit of victim thinking leads to victimizing others

One of the most dangerous aspects of perceiving yourself as a victim is that you begin to believe you have a right to victimize others. Pia Mellody calls this "offending from the victim position." When we offend from the victim position we tell ourselves that the other person has victimized us in some way, which may or may not be true. Perceiving ourselves as a victim, we feel one-down and powerless. We believe we have a right to retaliate - in essence playing God - to exact justice of some kind and we take revenge. We tell ourselves that we have a right to retaliate because of what the other person did. We do have a right to be angry and set a boundary. We don't have a right to offend and retaliate. The fundamental problem with offending from the victim position is that we allow our behavior to be determined by what others do and we justify our abusive behavior. If I say that I have a right to hit my partner because he lied to me, then do I have a right to break his arm if he's unfaithful, or kill him if he was unfaithful with my best friend?  This is offending from the victim position taken to an extreme. It is boundaryless and toxic to relationships.

Below are six things you can begin doing right now to minimize and eliminate victim thinking:

1. Turn "I have to" statements into "I choose to" statements. In the example earlier about the partner who chose to separate her money from her partner's, she will perceive herself as a victim if she tells herself she "had" to do it. However, she is choosing to separate their money in order to take care of her financial well-being. This simple reframe will make a huge difference in whether she feels empowered or victimized. 
2. Stop complaining about an issue if you haven't taken any meaningful action that is focused on solving the problem. 
3. Limit your time with people who join you in nurturing your inner victim through gossip or feeling sorry for you.
4. Take care of resentments as soon as you notice them. Resentment is victim anger. It is the equivalent of swallowing poison and hoping your enemy will die.
5. Ask yourself "have my boundaries been violated?" If they haven't, you probably haven't been victimized.
6. Recognize where you are powerless and where you have power. People often feel like victims when they are attempting to control things over which they have no power.

In closing, I'd like to share a quote from Byron Katie's book Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life:

"As long as you think that the cause of your problem is 'out there'-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering-the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you're suffering in paradise." 

Reclaim your power and evict the victim!❆