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Volume 23 No. 31
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July 29, 2016
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How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends - "How large is your budget?"
- We don't know. They never seem to get past the feasibility study
- Three. One to change the bulb, one to document the process and one to coach him on how to conform to the process
- Four. One to change the bulb and three to contemplate how Tom Boyd would have done it
- Six. One to change the bulb and five to tell him how much better they could have done it
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In a village in darkest Africa a sign hung over a Headhunter's market stall:
- Ordinary brains $10 /lb
- Engineer brains $8 /lb
- Doctor brains $7 /lb
- Accountant brains $15 /lb
- Consultant brains $114 /lb
Asked to explain the relatively high cost of Consultant brains, the Headhunter said "You don't appreciate how many Consultants we have to catch to get a pound of brains!"
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top 10 things a consultant shouldn't tell a client
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10. That was my first guess as well, but then I really thought about it.
9. You should see the hotel I'm staying at.
8. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here.
7. I like this office space. I'll have them put me in here when you're gone.
6. My rental car looks nicer than that junker you're driving.
5. Sure it'll work; I learned it in business school.
4. So what do you need me to tell you?
3. Of course it's right; the spreadsheet says so.
2. I could just tell you the answer, but we're committed to a three month project.
1. What are you, stupid?
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top 10 things you'll never hear from a consultant
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10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.
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jokes accountants find funny
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1. Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts.
2. It's accrual world.
3. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
4. What do you call an accountant with an opinion? An auditor.
5. An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
6. What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days' holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.
7. An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
8. Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.
9. What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he's boring.
10. Four Laws of Accounting:
1. Trial balances don't.
2. Bank reconciliations never do.
3. Working capital does not.
4. Return on investments never will.
11. Have you heard the joke about the interesting accountant? (No.) Me neither.
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"It's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen." -John Wooden
"Your character will be what you yourself choose to make it." -Sir John Lubbock"Everything has beauty, but not everyone can see." -Confucius
"Everything is simpler than you think and yet more complex than you imagine." -Unknown
"You learn something out of everything, and you come to realize more than ever that we're all here for a certain space of time, and, and then it's going to be over, and you better make this count." -Nancy Reagan
"What do we live for; if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" -George Eliot
"Practice isn't the thing you do once you're good. It's the thing you do that makes you good." -Malcolm Gladwell
"Don't learn to do, but learn in doing." -Samuel Butler "Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door."-Emily Dickinson
"A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have." -Abraham Lincoln
"People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict." -Lemony Snicket
"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." -Helen Keller
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