Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

A: Uhhhh...

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

A: Every time.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once. . . maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible. . . and I believed them.   

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height...which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx' tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken ?