It's Time to Break the Last Bonds: Why Our Heroes Didn't Fight

Everyone was talking about it, from hotel rooms, to the back rooms, to the hotel lobby floor. 

 

Whispers here, arguments there, pleading elsewhere and disgust and despair was everywhere. 

 

"There's a different dance."

"It's not swing."

"That's not swing music."

"That's nothing like anything I've ever learned out there."

 

Everywhere, everywhere, from room to room... the whispers were higher and growing and bubbling over into a quiet, silent, roar.

 

But we couldn't put our finger on it. Couldn't find the culprit, the sneak, the trickster. We couldn't put words to it, words to it! WORDS TO IT!!!

 

And then The Time Has Come appeared. It gave it a name. It gave us a voice. And most importantly, it gave us all... a choice.

 

A choice. 

 

The time had come to make a choice to save swing. 

Instead, the time came... and it went. 

 

And here we are. What went wrong?

 

Our swing legends wanted West Coast Swing back, didn't they? That's what they said. That's what they claimed. Here. I'll give you a peek behind the scenes. I mean, didn't you think they loved swing?

 

Didn't They Want Swing?

 

Jack Carey complains to his closest friends from the LA Swing Dance Club and other creators of the dance, that he "didn't know what they hell they were dancing out there anymore" when it came to WSDC competitions. "I don't know what I'm watching," he says. "It's all gone." "Where did all the dancing go?" And most of all, "I know it's not swing."

 

Mario Robau Jr. watches re-runs of a Classic Division in a back room and comments that WCS has been replaced with "walk walk vomit." 

 

Annie Hirsch told one of the last Pure WCS instructors on the circuit, after dancing with a student of theirs, that "where you are is where I want to be," because they "took the time to learn [WCS] right" and that they were now "taking the time to make students learn it right also."

 

Kelly Casanova changes scores while head judging, frustrated and angry because "they keep putting in their friends!" She's truly upset at how they break the rules and never seem to pay the consequences. She constantly tells her judges, "that's not swing!" and is frustrated that goofing-off is rewarded by her judges.

 

Mary Ann Nunez makes extensive notes, along with her fellow judges, that it's nearly impossible to judge jack & jill's anymore because, "everyone looks exactly the same." She notes that, "there doesn't even seem to be a difference between levels out there," and that, "no one has individual styling." "Everyone is just one look," one boring, shapeless type of movement, with no syncopations, footwork, etc. anywhere.

 

Cher Peadon is one of the very first to argue that not only has a new dance formed, but that it isn't any kind of swing dance at all. She's also one of the very first to point out that this new dance first emerged on all of the floors of the western states (CA, OR and WA), (which is completely accurate).

 

Sharlot Bott scorns the music and the dance when it first begins, pointing out that "there are only so many times I can shake my ass out there."

 

 

Because saying any of these things in public - saying them to YOU, saying them in their scores, saying them in their classes, saying them in their writing, teaching, dancing, events and/or staff...

 

Would be rocking the boat.

And they LOVE the boat.

 

THE BOAT

 

I believe the answer to this very difficult question, "Why didn't our swing heroes fight?" lies in exactly how our community is now built. When I say they don't want to rock "the boat," I mean our community... what they (and even I once called) our swing "family."

 

Yes, I said "family." But don't let the word fool you. When it comes to our little boat, it's not the kind of family you immediately think of. 

 

Instead, I believe we've become a certain "type" of family. It's one you might already be familiar with, even if you don't know it yet.

 

It took me a very long time to figure this out. Years. But the feedback and the stories and the conversations I had with all of you, as well as those in this "family," brought me closer and closer to it. And then.

 

Click.

 

I had it. I saw it. I knew exactly who we were. Who they were. The boat. I stood back... far far away, and saw it in its entirety.

 

And finally... finally!

 

I saw exactly why they stabbed us in the back.

 

I saw it so clearly that I couldn't believe I hadn't put it together before, and it released me.

 

I realized that there was never any hope for WCS, at least not from their corner. It didn't matter who said it, who announced it, who declared it or how it was done - whenever or however the choice to save swing had been put at their feet... The time NEVER would have come for them. 

 

And once you understand what kind of family we'd become, what our "boat" actually looks like, you'll feel that last bond break too. 

 

You'll see that it's not your fault - it's not my fault - it's not what any of us have done in the past or now - none of us are to blame for their actions. And maybe, just maybe, like it did for me, you will be able to dance with more freedom, more joy and more power than you've ever had before.

 

So. Let's get started. Let's go to the hangar and see exactly how this "boat" is built. From the inside out.

 

TERM POWER

 

We're about to get heavy. And I do mean heavy. So I want to point out right now that, baby, I am not a doctor. But I am about to do what only doctors do - break down and explain a complex diagnosis. And I'm just fine with that. Why? Because I've been told by so many doctors now that, not only do I have a better grasp on this issue than they do, but that they wish I'd talk about it more.

 

So that's what I'm going to do. Now, since it really is a complex diagnosis, I would like us to step back a bit so this can be done right. Let's start at the very top: terminology.

___

 

One of the most powerful tools we have as a society is terminology. And when it comes to swing in the last few years, terminology has proved that point in broad sweeping and majestic strokes.

 

Terminology was the tool we used to turn the boulder of deceit and burden upside down in WCS, revealing all the bugs and beetles underneath. Think about it. Where would we be today without the following terms?

• Nissy
• Monopoly
• Abstract Improvisation
• Pure WCS
• Freedom
• Cult
• Church
• The Ten...

Sally was dating John and it was getting rather serious. They lived in the same town, met at a game through mutual friends, and spent very little time apart once they found each other. But despite the joyous love and support of their friends, John's family just would not accept Sally.

They were accepting on the surface, but Sally could feel the cold in their reception. Finally, when John confronted his family on his own without Sally there, his parents released a deluge of complaints. John was shocked. But he walked away with something replaying in his head. They kept saying, "Maybe if Sally came to the house more often... She doesn't come here enough... If she spent more time with the family..."

You see, in System A families, the only currency of love and intimacy is time and location. There is no such thing as a deep and meaningful conversation in this family. It does not tighten or strengthen relationships or common, meaningful bonds. 

Home base for John's parents was, of course, their house, and Sally was unknowingly expected to be there as much as possible. She didn't realize that she didn't have to talk with anyone, or become close with them through activities and normal interactions. 

In fact, she'd done much of this. She had done her best to talk with and get to know every member of the household, from pets and poodles, to aunts and uncles... but to no avail.

She was knocking on concrete. Intimacy in System A is simply about being somewhere physically, and being there all the time. Had she just shared a drink at the dinner table and sat there quietly, over and over and over again... she would have been golden. 

Unfortunately, John experienced the loss of his family when he took a job out of state. They wanted to take family pictures (without his now-wife Sally) just before he left because "it was the last time they'd be a family." 

They didn't visit, call or write. They sent a lot of gifts, and made a lot of promises to visit, but every time the date drew near, they cancelled. John was expected home, not the other way around.

Later, while speaking with a friend who was familiar with System A families, he quipped, "I bet they saw Sally as the monster who took their son away." 

And that hit the nail on the head for them, putting words to what they had felt, but could not easily see. For System A families do not confront. In fact, they shy away from conflict, especially when it comes to anger. Oh, anger. We will revisit that topic in a moment. But for now... let's look at another symptom.

In System A families, there is a person or persons around which the rest of the family system revolves, but not in a "he's the head of the family" way, but more like a "let's all try to make this person look good," way. As in, "let's make it our life's work, to the detriment of our own lives, to manipulate and manufacture the world this person experiences" kind of way. Oh boy.

Let's take Martha's family. Martha is married to Dan and they have two teenagers and a ten year old.

On paper they look like a normal family. They smile, they interact with others on the surface, but! Place hidden cameras in the household and you will quickly discover that there is one particular person that the rest of the family is juggling - each of them in a different way. 

In reality, Martha is leaning on her kids for emotional support. Take a closer look at what she says and does regarding them. She says that they "get her through her day," "make her love or need wine," or they "made her something to help momma feel better!" and a dozen or so other things that, from her kids' perspectives, prove that these children... in some of the hardest developmental years of their lives... are able to change her the moment they express emotion - and not in a good way.

We tend to think kids want this kind of control, but in truth, they want safety more than anything else. They don't want the ground to change beneath them when they feel all the roller-coaster emotions of puberty, junior high and new sets of social skills.

But in this particular system, System A families, the kids end up taking care of their mother. They like to entertain her, make her smile, do activities with her that she wants to try, etc etc. Her husband Dan is no different. He works around and for Martha, not with her as an equal.

The wheel of Martha's System has her at the center, while her family works hard to keep her happy, make her look good and keep the family going without rocking her boat. There are a lot of consequences to this system, as I'm sure you can imagine. Let's look at one of the biggies.

System A families produce kids that grow up believing and living the following "laws" of living:

• DON'T feel
• DON'T talk
• DON'T trust

Which means every moment System A children, like Martha's three kids, feel an emotion, they have to bury it. And get this: it's not even consciously done - they don't know it (I know one young woman who never even felt the emotion of anger until she was 21!), but it's still there. Deep, deep down in an age old coffin.

You see, feelings are something we all share. They are automatic - built into us just like our feet, ears and heart. It's simply natural to feel. 

Despite what we're often taught, our bodies all feel every emotion there is to feel... BUT! If one's survival depends on not feeling them, our bodies start burying them before they accidentally pour out of us, getting us into trouble. 

This survival instinct, by the way, is developed during infancy. Infancy! We used to, as a nation, mirror our young babies' emotions to them. This helped them to learn that it's safe to feel them. 

So when a baby was sad or crying, mothers and fathers used to hold them, look into their faces and make the same face back, "mirroring" their child's emotions - visually sympathizing, so to speak - while also rocking and cooing to them.

This not only calmed the baby, but taught them that not only were they allowed to feel sad or angry, but that there was nothing wrong with feeling these things either. These infants learned that they could feel safe at the same time they were feeling such upsetting emotions... and that lesson produced healthier adults as a result.

Oh, what a wonderful, amazing and healthy practice! What a VITAL part of development, right? If a baby smiles, we used to smile back! Look confused, we looked confused back! Oh, how much we allowed our young babies and future adults to feel...

But today? We don't want our babies to be sad - so we look back angrily instead. Or happily. Or whatever emotion we WANT them to feel - anything but the emotion they are actually feeling.

Mirroring was such an amazing instinct in us. How we lost it, I don't know, but the coffins have grown in the millions these last 15 years. 

Please don't teach your baby that you are not okay with them feeling a large array of emotions! They are powerful tools they need for success in adulthood. It combats addiction so much, I can hardly describe it. Enjoy letting your child feel. They will feel the benefits, I swear. And so will you.

Feeling buried alive never die. They just fester. And then they spill out, "sideways" as we like to call it. Because when they burst out, we NEVER have control over it. No one controls when they have a panic attack. No one controls it when they suddenly vent or yell at someone, and no one plans a spousal assault... 

Instead, in the aftermath, we hear: "This is nothing like her!" "I can't believe he'd do this!" "I/We/They... 

Exactly. The three laws come with a massive price tag.

What's very interesting about the System A families is that there is one particular emotion that stands out from the rest. It goes so unfelt, so often, that it becomes palpable, even though it is never seen or heard - and when it is, as we've learned, it's explosive.

Anger is the feeling these kids feel the most. It is the one emotion they have to bury a million times over the others... System A families reek of anger, despite all of their smiling faces. 

But they do. Everyone but Martha learns to bear it all.

Okay. So anger is the big player in these families. But it's also the one they try to hide the most. It is the "hidden forbidden" after all. So how can you look out for it? 

You look for anger-generators in action. Here are two that can be easier to spot than most:

-The kids are the parents. Kids need more than just consistency and predictability in their homes. Kids also need and want to be kids. They do not want to be in charge and they do not want to be the adults in the family!

Oh, the media loves to tell us otherwise. But they are bought and paid for- everything's simply designed to sell you something. And letting your kids be in charge of your spending works mighty darn fine for those who bought the media. 

And kids don't want to be in charge, despite what they tell you. It is natural for kids to test adults in order to discover how much power they have in the family. They do it by testing the boundaries and saying they want to be in charge... but they don't. Sorry folks. Kids actually want one single basic thing... but it's the one thing they will never know how to tell you:

They want to be safe. Kids just want to be SAFE! Above all else. 

They want to be raised by their mothers and fathers, not befriended. Think about your childhood. Would you, at age 7, enjoy having the ability to destabilize your mother? Your father? No, we'd rather focus on destabilizing an ant hill and seeing where they all run.

But Martha's kids absolutely have to take care of Martha. She is completely undependable. She is the kid, and they are forced into the adult and parental roles. They strive to instill inside themselves the barest form of safety they can muster: which means they have to monitor and maintain Martha in order to keep things calm, looking normal to the outside world, and the family (Martha) unruffled.

This is role reversal, though neither the kids or Martha see it. And as with all involuntary role reversals, this results in anger. Resentment.

-Dan doesn't have a wife. Dan, like the kids, takes care of Martha. In fact, he's rather scared of her - and he's adopted a rather smushy attitude... "whatever your mother wants..." His voice is buried too. But again, neither of them notice. But Dan wanted a wife, not a second mother to obey or a young child to take care of. And so... resentment. Anger.

Like attracts like, so you may know a lot more people that fit the bill on these red flags than you thought you would, but that's okay. It's better to notice these things than the alternative.

But just think of how much anger these two simple symptoms generate? Just these two - two of many, many more? It's powerful. But just imagine disrupting either of these situations for Martha? It would be catastrophic.

And it is precisely because of this that it's become an unspoken law: DO NOT express anger to Martha. Martha can express anger with them. Disappointment with them... but everyone keeps themselves so stringently in check that it just hangs there - a weight on a wire. 

Anger is the #1 thing every single one of them would be quick to deny that they feel within or about their family. System A families are the first to say, "everything is great" when it isn't, and then go into a rage when someone actually says, "everything isn't great."

You see - all these laws and rules are for show. I really want to drive this home. They are for SHOW. This system is so driven to say that it is a normal system that it is hell bent on projecting and protecting some sacred image of a defect-free family. They are not dysfunctional, mom is an amazing mom and we just couldn't be better. In fact, we are better than almost everyone else!

So if you make the mistake of pointing to Anger, the elephant in the room, it is actually the one thing that will trigger the elephant to unfold, and the family will unleash and drench anyone within sight. 

"Nothing to see here - everything's great - everyone's perfectly happy - in fact, we have it better than anyone else..." is the name of the game.

Yet, at the slightest tilt of the head, by anyone anywhere else - teachers, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, co-workers - towards the family, Martha and their many issues, and the entire system will empty their shell casings onto the floor to mow them down.

In System A families, people end up taking on certain kinds of roles in order to make it all work when a member is doing a lot of things that actually unravel things, whether they mean to or not.

Let's take Robert. Robert can sometimes make a spectacle of himself, or do some really rude, mean-spirited or destructive things when his anger takes over. As such, other members of the family do things to detract from his actions, to both help themselves cope with the consequences of his actions, but mostly to keep him too preoccupied to ever see his "real" self.

These family members have each taken on such specific means of doing so that they were actually identified and named as "roles" nearly forty years ago. Since then, millions of System A families have produced the same kind of fruit, proving the roles to be fully expected in these kinds of systems. So much so, in fact, that System A's can be identified not by the Robert's or Martha's in the family, but by their children or spouse's roles and behavior.

For the sake of time, I'm only going to highlight two roles. I've chosen the two that are the most obvious to people on the edges of the family unit - the kind you will recognize the most easily in people when it comes to the swing community.

___

"His problem..." What exact is Robert's problem? Martha's problem? What is the common denominator among them? Exactly what could they be doing - be needing - that their entire family system is affected?

That is precisely what we will be covering next week, in Part 2 of The Time Came. I hope you take this time to examine your relationships in the swing community - or to take a step back and look at the whole "boat" objectively. In what ways do you see the above patterns playing out in the upper echelons of swing, or in your own home community?

Try your best over the week to match these symptoms to your experiences. Meet with your Word Groups, throw around ideas, suggestions and don't be afraid to use names. Holy jeepers, we say names while debating everything else in this world, so don't feel bound by any rules or edicts they are making to protect their "boat," and this "system." Saying names, sharing stories and talking about how they made you feel, is all normal, healthy and desperately needed.

Ah, family systems. You're about to grow. I'm interested and excited about what you're about to do this week. But it's a painful subject for many of us.

If you're like me, I used to enjoy hearing  the word "family" being used when it came to swing, and there was a time it felt good to hear it. It felt special, loving and warm. But the word "family" isn't used that way anymore in swing, is it? No, we usually hear it as term for justification instead.