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A Recovery-Inspired Holiday Thriving Guide
A few weeks ago, several of our Mother Bears gathered to decorate our holiday tree to raise awareness for the needs of families facing mental health challenges. As we hung ornaments, we reminisced about holiday memories. One mother shared a story that made us laugh until we cried - we had all "been there" and didn't want to go there again! We asked her to write it down. Here is what she shared:
 "As a young mother with three children, I can remember sitting alone on Christmas Eve in our apartment. My husband was working late, the children were excited about Santa coming, but I was feeling very lonely.
In the apartment above, I could hear the piano merrily playing Christmas songs, the shuffling of dancing feet, and lots of laughter from what I imagined was a very happy family.
As the evening wore on, I became convinced that the family upstairs was perfect, the Christmas tree much more lavishly decorated, the presents larger and more beautifully wrapped, and not a bit of dust graced their mantle - only garland and plump stockings.
I could almost smell the perfectly baked gingerbread cookies...and I became more and more depressed. My home was nothing like this family's! Even though I had three very excited children, I felt more alone than ever."
In one way or another, we have all grappled with unrealistic expectations and the stress they can create. Here are a few recovery-inspired suggestions to help us guard against more subtle but equally unrealistic expectations that often sneak in during the holidays. 1. Check your expectations at the door. When we gather with friends and family, what are your expectations? To have fun? To relive old memories? To grow closer? For everyone to get along? To be a "normal" family (whatever that is)? To throw the best holiday party? If we examine our expectations in advance, we can choose the ones that best support our values and our relationships. Even better, we can ask each family member what their expectations are. We need to be just as wary of low expectations as we are of overly high ones. Both can be hope stealers. 2. Invite good help, not helplessness.  Holiday gatherings are often times when we are tempted to "do for" others instead of encouraging everyone to pitch in. When someone we love is struggling, we can move beyond "doing for" to "overdoing" in a heartbeat. But we humans thrive when we can help others. As we plan our holiday gatherings, we can invite family and friends to share in meaningful ways. This invitation can open the door to new holiday traditions and favorite memories. 3. Celebrate family strengths. When planning holiday get togethers, it can be helpful to consider what our family and friends do well, both together and individually, and plan activities that can bring out the best in everyone. Celebrating and engaging our strengths, interests and passions can help us step outside of our problems, even temporarily, to make space for new experiences and insights. We might consider exploring new traditions together or incorporating humor, music, creative expression, more physical activities (or more introspective ones) into our family gatherings. 4) Pace yourself. The holiday season can be a time of reconnecting in spirit and in person, a time to deepen our relationships and our sense of family and community. However, we will not experience these precious opportunities if we run through our holiday calendar like a gauntlet. Our modern pace of life is already challenging to our physical and mental health. All too often, the holidays only intensify the stress in an already stressed daily routine - with added holiday pressures to be joyful, charitable, social, social and social (did we mention social?). Stress multiplies exponentially when we or a family member are struggling with a health or life challenge. This holiday, we can give ourselves a gift by setting a pace that works for us and for our family. Perhaps that means putting everyone's activities and invitations on a calendar (and then taking some off). Be sure to put "down time" on the calendar too. We all need time and space to recharge and to nurture ourselves - especially during the holidays. 5) Emphasize presence more than presents. We all know how long it takes for a child to (tear) open a present. Not much more than the blink of an eye. Which is vastly out of proportion to the time is takes to earn the money to buy the gift and to find, purchase and wrap it.  The gift of presence, by contrast, is something that unfolds slowly, moment to moment, and often in surprising and unexpected ways. Feeling seen and understood, especially by those we love, are lasting gifts that we can share in ever-widening circles. We can start practicing presence by becoming curious about what is happening right here, right now. Noticing what creates more ease in our interactions, where we find sparks or glimmers of delight. When we experience stress in our body (a great place to check in from time to time), we can ask ourselves, "what would support me right now?" When we notice stress in a family member or friend, we can ask this same question: "What would support you right now?" Choose your invitations Another cornerstone of recovery is choice and self-determination. This is a great place to land when thinking about how we want to experience the holidays. We always have choices and the right to make them. Who and what do we want to invite to your holiday gatherings this year? | 
