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When I began publishing the Grieving Behind the Badge newsletter three years ago, I never envisioned the diversity of the topics we read today. The newsletters have become a forum for all first responders to share their personal stories of addiction and recovery, post traumatic stress, and in some cases, their recurring thoughts of, or attempt at, suicide.
Many of you have shared your personal stories of divorce or being separated from your children due to your mental or emotional traumas. You write about unconscionable acts of hazing or harassment by your peers. The lack of support by the leaders of your department or the runaround you get from insurance companies who rubber stamp you as "fit for duty" after two or three weeks of detox or meds, when we all know that addiction recovery or coping with PTSD is a lifetime commitment, but you must have the right tools to cope as well as the love and support from family, friends, and peers.
Thank you for coming out of the shadows and fighting for your rights and those who still hide in the darkness for fear of being labeled less than. Please continue sharing your thoughts.
Stay safe and HUGS,
Peggy Sweeney, Editor
830.377.7389
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Don't Keep This Newsletter a Secret
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My Story of Addictions and Recovery
by Kevin Tape
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I became a full time firefighter for the City of Quincy in 2000 at the age of 30. The city of Quincy borders Boston to the South and has a population of 90,000+. The Quincy Fire Department has 200 full time firefighters, 8 Stations, 8 Engines, 1 Rescue and 3 Ladder Trucks and, on average, 10,000 runs a year.
I began drinking at the age of 16 and attempted suicide a year later. I didn't  know what depression was and chalked it up as a bad night and was happy it didn't work out and moved on.
I was a binge drinker and a social drinker, mostly beer with occasional hard liquor as shots. Many times I went on "the wagon" and could stop for weeks to months at a time. Shortly after getting my driver's license, I was pulled over for speeding and had 3 friends in the car and 2+ cases of beer in the trunk. Somehow, I did not receive a ticket or field sobriety check, dumped the beer and was sent on my way.
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NAFFVN TIP: Choices for ptsd treatment - Choosing a clinician. Do the research and choose a Trauma Informed Clinician who has the background and educational experience along with real life caseloads treating fire law ems and dispatchers for ptsd. Too many organizations have said they help, but lack the in-depth ability to treat. Get solid information by talking with other first responders who have gone before you and used the clinicians that they trust.
Want to learn more about Post Traumatic Stress?
North American Firefighter
Veteran Network
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Not Today, Brother, Not On My Watch
by Jason Zangara
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I was sitting in my marked West Palm Beach police car, X-291, in the 3300  block of Village Boulevard. I was working on the new Telestaff system, getting familiar with this state of the art software. I had all my windows down on the car, a very calming and strong breeze came through. As the wind struck me, I closed my eyes and took in the comforting breeze. At that point, I was calm and felt at peace.
I heard, directly behind me, a sound like a freight train slamming the brakes and the sound of iron hitting iron. With sounds of screaming horror. I exited the cruiser and started toward the chaos. Officer Rebholz was screaming into the radio, "10-18. 18. 18. Officer down, medics 10-18"!!!!!!!! I passed him in my cruiser as he was yelling at traffic. I drove past him and noticed a white pickup truck had a motorbike pinned to the guardrail. I exited my car, went to the trunk and deployed two trauma kit bags and an ambo bag. I got all bags operational and ready to go.
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Peter's Journal of Survival
by Peter Platt
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My name is Peter Platt and I am both a PTSD and breast cancer survivor. I use  a cane and I also use a service dog. Many times over the past eight years, I've had people ask me, "How long has the dog been in training?" I tell them, "He's my dog, he's not in training and he helps me with my disabilities." There have been a number of times people have said to me, "Well, you don't look disabled." How does one respond to that? I never can.
PTSD is an invisible disability and I have been dealing with it since 1992. This is where my story begins.
I was nineteen years old when I joined the Ottawa Police Service in 1969, eager to save the world. It was about 3:00 am one October morning in 1992 when my world started to crumble around me, while patrolling Centretown. I was driving around the streets looking for a large tree to drive into to end my life. I had never felt this strange feeling before, but I felt it a few times after that morning. As well, I felt a sudden, deep depression. I called my sergeant, who came to me in what seemed like seconds, and I explained to him how I was feeling. He followed very closely behind me while we drove to the station. I changed out of my uniform, went home and never returned to police work again.
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Crossing the Line
Blog Series by Maryanne Pope
 When Maryanne Pope's husband, Constable John Petropoulos, died in the line of duty in 2000 as the result of a preventable fall at an unsafe workplace, Maryanne went into a freefall of her own into grief and depression - and a determination to ensure positive change came from tragedy. Crossing the Line is a blog series about Maryanne's experience of coming to terms with her husband's death and working with the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund to help create a culture of safer workplaces for everyone, including emergency responders. Though Maryanne's professional commitment has been as an advocate for the physical safety of first responders, much of her writing and public speaking has been about the emotional, psychological and spiritual impacts of learning to accept the unacceptable and transform hurt into hope. Fifth in the series:
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My Grief This Day
by Robert Cubby
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This past week, I received word that a member of my former police department was murdered in an ambush while responding to a robbery in progress at a Walgreen's store. This was hard and devastating news to hear. I always like to think that these sad events touch others, but they somehow miss our police department.
But it is the sad truth of our times and our profession and should be something we should expect. It seems easy to say those things when you are not involved or the officer, although a member of your former department, was hired after my retirement so I never got a chance to meet him or know him.
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Time and Sacrifice
by Don Prince
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Doing what we do is an amazingly rewarding sacrifice of our time, and the commitment that we make when we sign up to be a part of something that, over time, grows within us and becomes part of who we are. Time spent helping strangers, time spent training and being a part of a family outside of your home. Time away from your home and loved ones which, at times, can put a stress on those relationships. Time away from your regular job (or second job) which, for some, can even put the pressure of a financial burden on us at times. Add in to the equation the effects of PTSD, which is always a possibility lurking in the shadows of what we do.
We all handle these pressures differently. For most of us, it's all in a day's work and we can deal with it and move on to the next day with little or no impact on our regular routine. There are, however, some stresses that affect different people in different ways and letting go of what is going on in our heads isn't so easy. It can build and build until we need an escape. Something to help us let go, even if only for a few hours. And it works for a while. It did for me. But then you start to realize that being numb isn't the answer and how much of a waste of time it is.
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First Step Hope: Not All Wounds Are Visible
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"Battle Scarred"
by Nathan Nixon
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In the Law Enforcement profession, they teach you about helping others and  doing what is right, to make a difference in society. These are all good attributes and ones that Law Enforcement Officers do every day, most of the time without thanks or praise. They do it because they love it, and it is considered a noble profession. But, what about the things they do not tell you: the long hours, miserable weather conditions, the horrific examples of the way humans treat other humans. How do you deal with these things?
Most will tell you that you need to compartmentalize and keep these sights and sounds buried deep inside you, not tell anyone about them. They will tell you that you need to find a way to deal with the stress of the job. No one ever really gives us any useful information; it is figure it out as you go.
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To learn more about suicide and it's impact on the Unites States click here.
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One Step Away from the Edge
by Shannon Pennington
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Looking around the fire service, we are constantly told that firefighting is a  "stressful job". Really? I had not noticed that. Who told you that? Firefighting, including medical, heavy rescue, hazmat and the list goes on, is really one of being a "Target rich workplace where we are exposed to trauma on a regular routine basis as a part of our job".
Most of us will, and do, have more than adequate ability to cope with the runs and the trauma. So what happens when we get the one that "sticks with you?"
We have all been there in the work. You try to shake it off, and it doesn't go away. As you go off shift, it sticks with you and into the next shift cycle or call out. Some of those calls seem normal and, in fact, do normalize in your headspace. You are back to your sunny self, full of firefighter humor and wit. You know, the side you show to your buddies, your family and friends. All is normal again, and on you go.
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 Bulletproof Spirit: The First Responder's Essential Resource for Protecting and Healing Mind and Heart
by Dan Willis
As a law-enforcement veteran, police captain Dan Willis has witnessed the damage of emotional trauma. Bulletproof Spirit offers field-tested expertise designed to be used by all first responders - and their families - to heal themselves and continue serving with compassion and strength.
 After I Pulled the Trigger: Surviving Suicide's Lie by Clinging to Hope's Truth
by James Atkinson
Each year in the United States, according to the CDC, approximately 34,000 people die from suicide. On January 24, 1986, when I was 16 years-old, I was about to climb over that wall. For seven months I had considered suicide as a way to release myself from years of despair and depression. I was spared that night through an intervention but not an intervention of this world. If you are considering going over the same wall I did, please sit and allow me to tell you my story.
 A Change of Heart
by James Atkinson
No one ever arrived at a destination without first experiencing a journey, and no journey ever started without a thought. With only a few minutes to decide the fate of my life, I decided to turn my life towards a new destination. I decided I didn't want to die after pulling the trigger, and I wanted to live. I made the commitment necessary to begin my new journey in hopes it would deliver my life.
Visit our online booklist resource page here
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 The Sweeney Alliance, a Texas-based 501(c)(3) corporation, has been a leader in educational resources addressing the emotional needs of families and emergency responders since 1992. In the last 2+ years, we have published over 385 articles on loss and grief, post traumatic stress and other "hot topics". All newsletters are free of charge for our subscribers. Your donation today will help us continue as a FREE publication. Thank you! |
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