As we say farewell to 2012, there may be people to forgive so that we can get our lives back. It might be good to take ourselves off the wall as well. Why does forgiving have such a bad rap? "It is so hard." "How can I do that, after what they did?" "I have tried, believe me, I have tried." Etcetera. This article aims to illuminate the shadows around the source of the difficulty with forgiving. We're going to jump right in with three assertions.

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 1. We have misidentified "forgiveness." Forgiveness does not:  

• Condone or excuse anyone's behavior
• Mean you are apologizing for feeling angry and hurt
• Mean you have to be in contact with the person or group, much less be friends with them
• Make you vulnerable for more hurt
• Mean you are now unprotected
• Mean it is ok; it didn't hurt that much
• Imply that they won and you lost

If your understanding of forgiveness includes any of the above, you have probably equated forgiving with giving in and losing out - at least on some level - even though you may believe in your heart of hearts that forgiving is the "right" thing to do, the healthy thing to do. Forgiving can feel as though you are going to diminish or even deny your experience of hurt or anger (which is a kind of self-insult, when you consider it). If you have assumed that forgiving someone implies or means any of the above, forgiving can seem as though you are compromising your integrity. Why would anyone want to do that?

So, if the above bullet points are not connected to forgiving, what are we talking about? The dictionary definitions for the word are: "to give up claim to a debt; to give up resentment; to cease harboring resentment against...." Hmmmm. Harboring resentment sounds active, not passive. Holding resentments close, holding on to them? (To change the metaphor)...throwing logs on the fire of my hurt?

Think for a moment. When you are really upset, do you think about it once? Twice? Ten times? Like a hamster on a wheel, you probably rehash the event over and over in your mind and/or aloud. You play out the scene in different ways; you give yourself the words you should have said; you are the hero, the conqueror, the defender. And it is all fantasy.

Good news. You are in charge. It may not feel that way, but releasing your hold on the boring but familiar replay of past offenses benefits you, the forgiver, entirely. Releasing resentments does not let the other "off the hook" and it most certainly does not mean you need to renew a relationship or imply that what happened did not have an impact on you at the time. Renewing or reconciling is another step after forgiving, and it is a choice.

2. When we suffer over the past, it is not from what happened or didn't happen, but from the story we keep telling ourselves.  

The costs of replaying pain are often unnoticed but they are staggering:

fatigue, high blood pressure, depression;

distrust, bad sleep, little or no spontaneity or creativity;

ill health and ineffectiveness ~

Hanging on to resentments is crippling. Rehearsing resentments is like nailing our foot to the floor and turning in circles; we accomplish little we get dizzy. We may think that our pain is from the incident, but how can it be? The incident is done. It is over. What happened, happened. That part is over.

Forgiving includes letting go of any idea that it could have happened some other way or that there can be some other past. Ixnay. Not going to happen. So, go through the sadness (it can be surprisingly brief) of accepting the past as it occurred for you. Your suffering (as distinct from sadness or grief) can cease almost on a dime, which can be unsettling if you have been disturbed for years.

3. Only when we have released resentments toward others and regrets toward ourselves can we take effective action.

We are so ineffective when we rehearse our grievances! We have to avoid the person or group. We are stuck and cannot speak or write something we might to express. After we have freed ourselves and leapt off the hamster wheel we have an opening to stand our ground, make a request, clarify our situation with another.

I know people who have gotten money back they never imagined they could after they stopped wanting to kill the borrower! Somehow, the conversation just went differently and the request for repayment was calm and clear and without blame.

I know people who have connected with people they really wanted back in their lives but had excommunicated (perhaps for good reason at the time). People know when you don't want to execute them and it really helps reconnection. Giving up the determination to punish the evil-doer and opt for self-expression instead is an incredible self-loving act.  

To summarize:  

a. Releasing resentments does not condone anything. In fact, forgiving has nothing to do with another person.

b. Forgiving frees the forgiver who can generate their life, no longer stuck in the past.

c. Suffering caused by replaying a "grievance story" over and over stops when we declare we are willing to cease harboring resentment. It is a declaration, not a feeling or a thought. More like a vow or a promise.

d. The possibility of having contact with the one who "offended" opens up as well. Choice to be related is again possible.

e. Risk begins as we see that there are no blueprints for communication. Self-expression, authenticity and intimacy become available to us as we learn to experiment with speaking and listening and not running away! Let the games begin!!