We lose things all the time. We lose papers, keys, the thought we just had, the point of the letter we were writing. Sometimes, we have only misplaced things and the relief is great on their recovery. I have little patience with myself when I misplace something because I feel as though I have lost my awareness of my surroundings!
We lose bigger things in life, of course. Jobs, our stability due to a move, a reputation, a friendly neighborhood, and buddies we used to call, a cherished hope, and a beloved pet. And we lose people who are gone from our view forever.
This is a companion piece to last month's article, "The Sadness Challenge, the Sadness Gift." The idea for pondering here is whether we can imagine finding any opening for something good, some growing edge, in the midst of that loss. Easier said than done.
The death of a loved one: a spouse. The initial feelings and duties are overwhelming and the last e-newsletter article addressed some of them. There is so much to handle internally and externally that it is staggering that anyone manages to get through the first year. But people do. These are some of the challenges of the newly bereaved:
- People won't often understand what is going on with you and say things that don't help
- Good friends may suddenly disappear leaving you bereft in another way
- Unresolved family issues from decades earlier can surface
- There is a load of practical things to handle after any death, starting with the legal matters
- No one is now taking care of the practical chores the deceased always handled
- There is the loss of companionship and doing things together
- There is no one to come home to, talk to or even fight with
So, where is the loss opportunity, if you please?
Slight detour. Consider this and do please look for yourself: people tend to grow off balance. We strengthen and practice a life talent or skill and can end up neglecting a host of others. For instance, you may be fantastic with numbers but unable to hold an intelligent conversation for more than 15 minutes. You enjoy working with your hands and don't know what to do with them at a dinner party. You are a visual learner and find reading a challenge. You are brilliant and also clumsy physically. You love doing housework and shun traveling too far from home.
Those left behind after someone's death sooner or later come face-to-face with their lack of development in some area, e.g. the deceased may have been the planner of all the vacations and social occasions; handler of the checkbook; the primary child-rearing parent; the one who worked outside the home; ran the washing machine, etc.
Now we get into some subtle areas that you didn't even know were part of the package in your relationship: your loved one may have been the buffer between you and other members of the family or between you and the outside world. No more buffer. How will you handle the family and the outside world now?
The loved one may have been the optimist and encouraging presence when you got downhearted. No more optimist. How will you address your tendency to pessimism? The loss opportunity can be addressing the issues that needed buffering and confronting this dark side of yours. The dislocation can be horribly difficult, no doubt, whether the loss is a job or person or health...but it can also be an opportunity to discover and exercise a new muscle in an area of life that matters to you.
I do believe that we are all hardwired to grow until our last breath. We are organic creatures. If you have gone through a loss recently, can you locate a spot, even a tiny one, in which you can develop a muscle.
I sit here watching the news of Hurricane Sandy's unbelievable impact, a "100-year storm," I see how people are responding. Crises bring out the best and the worst in people. There are volunteers climbing 23 flights to bring food, water and comfort to the elderly in lower Manhattan. There are people fighting at gasoline lines. The federal and state authorities may have learned something from Katrina and the non-response at that time.
Stuff happens. Loss is absolutely part of our lives. We always have a choice (accept that or don't - your choice) about how we respond and what we are going to do with that.
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