A MARRIAGE HAS A GOOD SHOT AT THRIVING when it has a purpose that is larger than maintaining itself. What does this mean? The marriage as a partnership dedicated, to something that both people deeply care about which is forwarded and supported by that marriage, is challenging and rewarding. If you have not created a context for your marriage that inspires you both, consider this one:
"Our marriage is an avenue for our personal growth, self-expression and contribution. There is nothing wrong. All the bumps are grist for the mill of our development and expanded self-awareness. Our marriage is a spiritual journey."
There is no such thing as a marital plateau, really. Either we are expanding or we are contracting, as we are in the other parts of our lives. And puhlease, expanding does not mean doing more and being busier and never slowing down. Resting is a crucial aspect of all and any growing and it is not the same as hitting a plateau. A couple needs periods of rest together and apart, but watch.... ~ These may be times of true refreshment or times of going unconscious that you mistake for refreshment. Take a look at how you feel after that vacation.
Nothing about a lifelong committed relationship is easy or quick. There are no shortcuts to personal satisfaction - only consistent, repeated action, and a lot of creativity. And play. In marriage-as-spiritual-journey, you will want to continually widen and deepen the breathing room for your relationship. A marriage has an inner life just as individuals have.
Here are four actions to try in order to deepen your marriage's inner life. Let yourselves feel silly, awkward, embarrassed and stupid. S'ok. Just do them and see what happens.
- Breathing together (literally "breathing room"). Sitting close to each other, either holding hands or not, begin to coordinate your breathing so you are both breathing at the same rate. Try this for a few minutes. It is a very intimate exercise. Talk about what this felt like then.
- Take a silent walk together. You must make a covenant not to speak at all for this one which is not often easy. Take a walk somewhere for a short period of time to begin, perhaps no more than 10 minutes. If walking silently together is familiar, create a focus for the next one, such as noticing all the shades of green that you can. Talk afterwards about this walk together.
- Mirroring. Sitting across from each other with knees touching, partner A as the first leader begins to move his/her hands in a dance of circles and swoops while partner B mirrors with his/her hands almost touching the other's hands. Switch leaders. Switch again. Do this for 5 minutes to begin and then talk about it.
- Choose a service project to do together than doesn't need to take a long time. An hour or less is fine. Go walking together and pick up trash. Go to a soup kitchen or food pantry and volunteer together for an afternoon. Paint the wall of a childcare center together. Talk about it later.
All of these can be done in the spirit of play and exploration. Have fun, for goodness' sake!
Next month, I am going to begin a series of articles about the notion of your having an unconscious spirituality. What if you have a bent toward a particular flavor of philosophy or practice, a language and world view that is natural and makes you feel very much at home? This is a rich subject that has captured me since I was a teenager and I look forward to exploring with you....
If you would like to talk about the possibility of bringing more "workability" to your life, please contact me and we will chat about it - no charge, no expectations. 860-435-0288 or eppervesce@aol.com. Websites: www.spiritualcentercoaching.com and www.let-resentments-go.com
