April Fools 2014

Our April newsletter highlights some of the exciting, if radical, new research that has been published about posture, exercise, muscle function, and health. 
In This Issue
Poor posture = good health
Slouch for better health

Pilates, yoga, Rolfing, and Egoscue have had it all wrong. Research published in the New England Journal of Medicine finds that so called "good posture" actually leads to muscle and joint pain, headaches, and many other health problems and what many considered "poor posture" - i.e. slouching - is actually the best thing we can do for our health. This study looked at over 40,000 people in the US and England and those with the worst posture and whom slouched the most throughout the day had the lowest rates of musculoskeletal pain, arthritis, migraine headaches, heart disease, depression, and even cancer. Expect new classes teaching people how to slouch properly to be coming to your city soon. Read more.
Muscles don't move bones
We've had it all wrong

Scientists at University of Oxford have discovered that what we've always thought about how our bones and muscles work is wrong. New research has shown that muscles in fact do not move bones, but bones move themselves. These findings will forever change how we address joint issues and movement dysfunction's. Muscles have now been shown to be nothing more than a highly dense "red fat", similar to brown fat, meaning it consumes calories as a way to produce body heat but plays no role in movement. This research proves that many weight lifters and body builders are no longer considered healthy and are now classified as "morbidly obese" because of their large amounts of muscle. Learn more about how to quickly dispose of your useless muscle (red fat) here.
Exercise makes us fat
Watch more TV
Related to the research on the newly discovered red fat, previously known as "muscle", health experts warn about the harmful affects of exercise and movement. 
Health experts across all fields have been preaching about the benefits of exercise for 40 years, but this newest research has them backtracking. The US Surgeon General released a statement today that called for the immediate halt of sales of all running and walking shoes, exercise equipment, and bicycles, and the permanent closure of all so-called "health clubs" nationwide in an attempt to stop Americans from engaging in harmful, possibly life threatening exercise. Experts recommend to limit walking to under 500 steps a day, and to increase TV watching to a minimum of 10 hours daily. Read the full Surgeon General statement here.
No summer in Portland
Early winter rains expected

Meteorologists have predicted that Portland, Oregon will not have a summer this year because early winter rains are expected as early as May. Weather patterns worldwide have been changing over the last several years and strong southeast arctic winds are expected to start hitting the Pacific Northwest as early as late April and early May that will bring heavy cold rain and dark clouds to the area. The cold weather pattern is expected to last until October when normal cool, gray, wet weather returns to Portland. Meteorologists believe that these weather patterns are expected to stay for at least 100 years, meaning no more sun or summers in Portland for at least a generation or two. Click here to order your full spectrum lights and vitamin D.
Egoscue Tower recall
Stop using immediately!

The Egoscue Multi-positioning Tower has been recalled due to is causing drastic improvements in posture. This recall is related to the new research discussed above that showed improved posture is dangerous for your health. 

Happy April Fools Day!
You've been spoofed! In case you didn't notice it's April Fools Day and this entire newsletter is a joke. Don't believe a word we said, it is all untrue. Have a great day!

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