The second gift is one of memory; we will never forget them. One of the myths of grieving is that we should become detached from the person we love, that over time the memories will fade and the love is removed from our life. That is definitely a myth.

The reality is very different. We will never lose the connection of love and memory with the person who has died. We can, with a healthy grief journey, become reconciled to the death which means "learning to live without their physical presence"; the connection is no longer physical, but it remains strong.

Embracing your memories can be a very slow and, at times, a painful process that occurs in small steps. Don't try to do this work of mourning all at once, take baby steps on your journey and be patient with yourself.

Memories that help us stay connected can include legacies that the person left through his/her values of life's work. Or they may be objects such as wedding rings, favorite books, pictures, slippers, etc. Give yourself permission to retain some special keepsakes that belong to him or her. Who we are is in part an enduring connection.

There can be rituals or events that we can use to keep us connected. Though they can be painful at the beginning of our grief journey, celebrating holidays, and special days (birthdays, anniversaries, and certain times that are special to family's members' individually) can be comforting.

For special days and holidays you might consider:

• Visiting places of special significance that bring you memories of good times shared together.
• Decorating their grave or special place where the cremated ashes are.
• Buying a birthday cake on their birthday; don't forget to sing Happy Birthday to them. Or buying a greeting card where the words are meaningful to you and place it somewhere that is  meaningful to you, by their picture, or in the living room where every one can remember them.
• Going to dinner at their favorite places. Or cook their favorite meal.
• Celebrating special days at your church, ask to have a special prayer, light a candle or donating flowers for the services.

One of the best ways to embrace memories is through creating a memory book of your loved one's life or a record of family history to have for your children, their children and continued with future generations.

Also keeping the memories on a DVD or CD; with today's technology old pictures can be placed on a DVD for safe keeping. The big job is sorting out all the pictures taken over a life time. Keep in mind that not only is this memory keeping a part of the family legacy but is also an aid to our mourning the death of our loved one.

Memory videos that share telling stories are not only a way of remembering the family members who have died but a great way to spend with your children and grandchildren. When organizing these videos have the stories ready and have each person who wants to participate ready to tell their favorite story about the person who has died. It could be the funniest holiday story of that loved one, the birthday parties, recording the Halloween customs that were worn, Easter Egg hunts, going fishing stories. These are just a few suggestions: remember it is so important to

preserve the memories and that in turn will keep the love in your heart for that special loved one.

Without memory you would not have to endure the unbearable agony of their death. But without memory, you would not be able to recall the beauty and goodness, and the wondrous gift of love that was and still is yours.

Nothing that is loved is ever lost, and no one who has ever touched a heart can really pass away, because some beauty lingers on in each memory of which they've been a part.

This article was compiled from the work of Alan D. Wolfelf, Ph.D., Center for Loss and Life Transition and Kenneth J. Doka, Hospice Foundation (Journey newsletter).